Heart Shaped Wreckage
by Smashtastic
Summary: This is a sequel to 'The Words I Meant to Say' set 18 months later. Will Karen and Derek's love for each other be the thing that destroys them?
1. Chapter 1

PROLOGUE ...

She'd somehow found herself in the same bar. The same bar she'd sat in 2 1/2 years ago. The irony wasn't lost on her. Back then it was the breakdown of her friendship with Derek. Now it was the breakdown of their relationship.

She was a mess. She'd drunk so much she could barely stay on the stool. The only thing she understood was that she just didn't understand. Through everything, even the difficulties of the last few months, she had never doubted the love they had for each other. She felt like such a fool. Apparently it was only her who loved him, because how else could he have done that to her?

If she had been someone he cared about, loved even, Karen could have eventually made sense of it, however much it would have destroyed her. But this?! It made no sense at all. He'd thrown everything away, everything they'd fought for, for what? A one night stand with some random girl. Some random girl he probably didn't even know the name of. Did he really disrespect her that much? And in their own bed! It was as if he wanted her to find them together.

She downed another drink and buried her head in her hands, tears flowing. She could barely hold it together. After all they'd been through together, this is how it was to end? She didn't understand. It wasn't meant to be like this.

"So I heard a nasty rumour there's a drunken Iowan causing trouble and clearing out the bar of all its vodka!"

Karen looked across to see Ana, an amused smile on her face, instantly turning to concern when she saw the state she was in.

"Holy crap girl, what's happened?! Are you okay?!"

Karen shook her head in disbelief. She could barely get the words out through her sobs.

"I, I walked in on him Ana. Derek. In our bed. With another woman!"

"Derek?!" Ana was incredulous. "You're kidding right? Derek?! He adores you!"

"If only it was some sick joke!" Karen shook her head.

"Okay girl, Ana to the rescue. Let's get you out of here. You're coming back to mine. This bar has taken enough of a beating already! Let's go get you cleaned up. Come on sweetie!"

Ana helped Karen off the stool, and Karen leaned into her for support, barely able to stand.

"This isn't my finest hour" Karen slurred, trying to crack a joke through her tears.

"Girl, not gonna lie, I'm proud of you!" Ana winked, as she led her distraught drunken friend out of the bar, thanking Steve the barman on the way out for calling her.

Right now nothing made sense to Karen. All she knew was that she was drunk, and she felt like her heart had been ripped out, and she didn't understand why.

* * *

**AN: I was going to do a whole new story, but I thought it would be fun to do a sequel of 'The Words I Meant To Say' set a year or so later. I hope you enjoy, and sorry I totally pulled the same prologue trick with this story too, lol, but it helps me progress the story when I have something to work towards. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

2 MONTHS EARLIER ...

"Hey girl, sorry I'm late" Karen said, planting a kiss on Ana's cheek. "Big crowd at the stage door tonight."

"No problem girl. As you can see I thought I'd get cracking on the red wine, just to test it out of course!"

"Of course!" Karen laughed. "I wouldn't have it any other way!" She reached for the bottle and poured herself a large glass. "God I need this. I love the show, but it's bloody draining playing someone so immoral night after night!"

"Bloody draining? Lol girl, you've been spending too much time with a certain Brit! Speaking of the devil, is he not getting any or something, because he's been working us like crazy these past few weeks! He's definitely been living up to his Dark Lord reputation!"

"Hey! You know I don't kiss and tell girl, but everything's fine in that department thank you very much!" Karen grinned. "To be honest though, we've hardly seen anything of each other recently, what with my performance schedule and his rehearsal schedule."

"Yeah well, if you will decide to go be the hottest draw on Broadway!"

"Hardly!" laughed Karen. "I just got lucky that's all."

"There's nothing lucky about two Tony Awards for your first two Broadway shows Karen. Take the compliment!"

"That was a compliment?" teased Karen.

They chatted easily for the next couple of hours, laughing and catching up on all the gossip. In the back of Karen's mind, however, was Ana's comment about Derek and the Dark Lord. Truth was, she had noticed a change in him recently.

They'd been together, as a couple, for nearly a year and a half now, and things had been great for the most part. Karen had struggled to adjust to life back in New York at first. The media attention had overwhelmed her at times, especially when she first came back, but Derek had been a rock for her in those first few months. Karen had moved into Derek's apartment, the two of them not wanting to spend another second apart, and they'd quickly settled into a loving and fulfilled relationship. Karen couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

Tom and Julia's musical of 'The Great Gatsby' was still in the funding process, and in the meantime Karen had auditioned for and nabbed the lead female role in 'Greed', a modern, dark, satirical musical set in and around Wall Street during the financial crisis. Karen played the ambitious and calculating wife of a young trader, consumed by greed, and whose life is ultimately destroyed as a result.

"I seriously need to do 'Mary Poppins' or 'The Sound of Music' next" Karen had joked to Derek. "Three musicals, three characters, and not one has survived yet!"

"You survived though darling, and that's all I care about" Derek had said, kissing her passionately. "You know I can't get enough of you" he'd grinned, carrying her laughing into the bedroom.

Karen had deservedly won her second Tony for 'Greed' and was now one of Broadway's biggest stars, in demand with all the big producers. Derek was still working behind the scenes on 'The Great Gatsby' whilst currently in the rehearsal stages of a revival of 'Cabaret' which he'd signed up to direct. He'd always wanted to do a modern take on the musical, and had cast Ana as Sally Bowles. She was perfect for the part.

They were both so busy with their careers, but they always made sure they made time to spend together. If the events of the past two years or so had taught them anything, it was that if they didn't have each other, nothing much else mattered.

* * *

"Hey!" Karen called, making her way into the apartment, a little unsteady on her feet.

"In the kitchen!" she heard Derek say.

She wandered in to see him sitting at the counter, working on his laptop. She made her way to behind where he was sitting, kissing him on the top of his head, wrapping her arms around him. "Hi sweetheart."

"How was drinks with Ana ... or do I even want to know?!" he smiled.

"Yeah best not to ask. She had lots of stories about her mean, tyrannical British director. He sounds like a nightmare." she joked. "I hope you never meet him!"

Derek smiled turning to face his girlfriend. "I hope I don't either!" he laughed, leaning in to kiss her on the lips.

When they broke apart Karen moved to stroke Derek's face with her thumb, looking at the man she loved. He looked tired, noticeably so. He'd been more withdrawn recently also, and irritable. She put it down to stress, what with the Cabaret revival being so high profile, but she was concerned.

"Derek? Is everything okay sweetheart? You'd tell me if anything was bothering you wouldn't you. You look tired."

He smiled at her reassuringly."What's brought this on? I'm fine darling. It's just this damn show. You know the vultures are circling, waiting to tear me apart the second they smell a hint of failure!"

"Oh so dramatic!" laughed Karen. "Just take care of yourself okay. I'm worried about you."

"Scouts honour!" he winked, kissing her again.

"Well some of us have school tomorrow, I'm off to bed!" said Karen, going to pour herself a large glass of water, earning an eyeroll from Derek.

"What?! Blame Ana for me needing this!" she joked. "You coming up? It's after 1.00 already."

"I'll be up in a few minutes darling. Just finishing off this set staging."

"Okay" she said, making her way up the stairs.

* * *

Derek watched as Karen made her way up. He still had to pinch himself that she was his. He remembered back to when he'd sat by her hospital bed, holding her hand, praying she'd make it through. He'd made a vow then that if she did, and if she let him, he'd never let her go. Over two years later and he was as in love with her as ever. She brought out the best in him with her honesty, sweetness and warmth. He was so proud of her for the success that had come her way, and her humility just made him love her more.

A throbbing pain raced through his head, and he rubbed his temple. He'd been doing that a lot recently. He hadn't mentioned the headaches to Karen, not wanting to worry her when he was sure it was just the stress of Cabaret. He'd go see a doctor once rehearsals had finished.

He shut down his laptop and made his way upstairs, eager to snuggle up to the woman that he loved. "You're a lucky sod" he said to himself as he made his way into their bedroom.


	3. Chapter 3

"I don't think I can move" Karen laughed, trying to catch her breath, turning to face him, and moving in to kiss him. "I'm going to be late now!" she smirked.

"It's not my fault you're so damn irresistible."

"Always a charmer!" She laughed, rolling her eyes and rolling away from him and out of the bed, heading for the bathroom.

"What time does your rehearsal finish tonight? Wanna squeeze in a quick coffee before my show? ... oh wait scrap that, I can't sorry. Got that Playbill interview with Josh."

"How is my favourite person?!" Derek said sarcastically.

Karen popped her head round the bathroom, smiling. "I'm sure Josh sends his love to you too! You know, he reminds me of a young version of a certain Brit I happen to know. Don't know what it is. Must be the arrogant swagger!"

"Karen Cartwright, are you calling me an old man?" Derek laughed.

"Yeah I am!" she teased, making her way back to him, and planting a kiss on his forehead. "But you're my old man!"

"Right that does it!" laughed Derek, grabbing Karen and flipping her over, moving in too plant kisses all down her neck.

"Derek, I've gotta go!" Karen laughed, trying to squirm free. "Although if this is my punishment, I'll have to insult you more often!" she joked.

* * *

"Thanks Karen, Josh, as always. The readers will love this! Be sure to check out the article in the next few days" said James, the Playbill interviewer.

"No, thank _you_ James! The pleasure was all mine" replied Josh. Karen saw James blush and smiled.

Once he'd left Karen playfully clouted Josh on the head!"

"Ow! What was that for?!" he laughed.

"You know what! You'd flirt with anyone to boost your own career ... and ego!" laughed Karen.

"Well, I've got to get my pleasures somewhere, seeing as a certain leading lady refuses to go out with me!" he joked.

Karen laughed. "Josh, you have every girl in Manhattan queueing up for you each night. I think one less girl fuelling your self-esteem is only a good thing!"

"I can't help it if you're so damn gorgeous. What's a man to do!" he teased.

"Stop shamelessly flirting with me whenever Derek's around for starters!" laughed Karen. "I know you're just doing it to wind him up! He sends his love by the way!" she winked.

"Oh I'm sure he does!" smiled Josh.

Josh Jennings had been cast as the male lead in 'Greed' opposite Karen, playing her character's trader husband. It was a role made for him, and he'd won best actor at the Tonys for his stunning performance, quickly becoming Broadway's resident heartthrob. He was gorgeous, and as talented as they come with an ego to match, but he got away with it because of his natural charm and cheek. He sizzled on stage every night, and had scores of fans, girls and boys, waiting for him every night at the stage door. He'd been ridiculously flirting with Karen since the day they met, but it was all in good fun. He knew how devoted Karen was to Derek, and Karen knew that behind the bravado Josh was as loyal and sensitive as they come. They'd struck up a really close friendship, and they loved performing with each other every night.

They were making their way back to the theater when Karen's cell rang and she picked it up, happy to hear Julia on the other line.

"Hi sweetie" Julia said. "How's my favourite Iowan?"

"Not too bad thank you. And you? Rumour has it you and Swifty are back on!"

She heard Julia laugh. "Don't believe anything Riedel says, rule number 1! Guess what?! I've got great news about the benefit concert for Kyle. I know it's 3 months away, but a slot's become available on September 14th at the Manhattan Concert Hall due to a cancellation, so if you're keen?! I'm friends with the artistic director there and he knew you, Tom and I were planning something for him and offered us the venue!"

"Oh my god, are you serious?!" Karen interrupted. "The Manhattan Concert Hall? Kyle would flip! In the diary already, thank you Julia! And on account of the fact that Kyle always used to have the biggest crush on Josh, I'm sure he'll be happy to perform too! There's nothing he loves more than pleasing his fangirls and boys!" she laughed, looking over to see Josh grinning.

"Great, I'm glad" Julia replied. Maybe you could get that boyfriend of yours to do the musical direction?!"

"Oh my god, I'm sure he'll be honoured to. I'll speak to him later" Karen replied.

They gossiped for a few more minutes before Julia said her goodbyes. She was rushing off for a Gatsby meeting.

"Unbelievable!" said Josh.

"What?!"

"The amount of crap girls talk about!" he teased.

Karen laughed. "Well we were also talking about Kyle's benefit concert. Julia's secured us the Manhattan Concert Hall for September. Can you believe it?! Will you perform Josh? Please? For Kyle?!"

"Anything for my favourite girl" he winked.

"Yeah favourite girl until whichever other girl you end up with tonight" she laughed. "Thank you Josh, this means a lot" she said, leaning in to plant a big kiss on him as they made their way into the theater.

* * *

"No, no, NO!" Derek shouted for the 10th time that day. "Is this so bloody difficult to understand, Jesus?! You're all about 5 steps behind! ... Okay, let's call that a day. I'd have a more productive rehearsal using dummies!"

He grabbed his bag and pulled out a couple of ibuprofen, taking a couple of pills. His head was throbbing and he couldn't concentrate.

"What's up with you grumpy?"

He looked up to see Ana staring at him, arms crossed.

"Nothing's up Ana! I'm just trying to do my bloody job. I'm the only one who seems to be!" he snapped.

"That's not fair!" she said. "Everyone's working their butts off and you know it! You bellowing at us every 3 seconds isn't helping Derek ... is everything okay?"

"Fine!" he snapped.

"Okay, okay, just asking" she replied, hands up in mock surrender. "See you tomorrow."

"Yeah see you" he said, barely even acknowledging her. He couldn't concentrate on anything such was the headache coursing through him. He'd had it now for 2 days, and couldn't shift it. He heard his phone beep, and picked it up to read a text from Karen.

"_Can't wait to see you later. Exciting news to tell you! Hope rehearsal went well. Xoxo_"

Derek smiled. She always made things better.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: This chapter's a little bit filler sorry, but just setting things up for drama to come! Hope you enjoy, and thanks for reading and your lovely reviews. I'm away this weekend, and then back for a day or 2 before going away for another 2 weeks. I'll do my best to update when I can! :) **

* * *

Derek, come on sleepyhead! You're gonna be late for your own rehearsal if you don't get up now, and you'll never live that down!" Karen jumped on the bed to rouse her boyfriend.

"Nooooooo" groaned Derek. "Can't. Get. Up."

"Can't get up?" joked Karen. "This coming from the guy who doesn't do sleep!"

"Yeah well, who needs sleep when I've got a gorgeous girl to ..."

"That's not what I meant!" Karen laughed. "Come on" she said, grabbing his arm and dragging him out of bed. "Go get your naked butt in that shower" she grinned, playfully slapping him on the ass as he stumbled into the bathroom.

Derek stood in the shower trying to steady himself. His head was throbbing and the room spinning. It was always worse in the mornings lately. The last thing he felt like today was another rehearsal. He knew he'd been pretty hard on the cast these past few weeks, snapping at them, getting irritated over the smallest things. He didn't know what had gotten into him, but he wasn't feeling himself.

He was drying himself when Karen came in to grab her make up bag. "Remember I'm meeting Julia at Bar Centro today to talk about Kyle's benefit. You sure you can't make it?"

"I really can't darling" he said. "There's no way I can get out of the investors meeting."

"Okay, well I'll call you later, let you know how it all goes. Have fun schmoozing the money! I love you" she said, planting a kiss on his lips. "Oh and have fun at rehearsal" she said, making her way out. "Be nice to the kids ... I have my spies!"

"Ana doesn't count!" He shouted after her, laughing.

When Karen had gone he sat back down on the bath, rubbing at his temple. He hated lying to her.

* * *

"Sooooo, when were you going to tell me?!" Julia teased as soon as Karen had plonked herself down at Bar Centro.

"Tell you what?"

"That you've ditched your sexy Brit for your sexy leading man!"

"What the heck are you talking about?!" Karen replied, bemused.

"Guess you've not checked out page 6 today then!" Julia said, sliding the paper across the table to Karen

"Oh great!" groaned Karen, looking at the paper. "Josh probably hired the pap and leaked that photo himself!" They both laughed.

It was a photo of Karen and Josh from the other day, outside the theater, showing Karen leaning in to kiss him. From the angle the photo was shot at it made it seem less innocent than it was. The headline salaciously read "GREED-Y FOR EACH OTHER" with a paragraph from a 'source' claiming Karen and Josh been getting very cosy recently.

"Ugh, I swear they just make that shit up!" Karen exclaimed.

"Don't worry about it sweetie. Today's news, tomorrow's bin liner."

"Gee thanks Julia!" Karen laughed. "I just hope Derek doesn't read it. You know how much Josh likes to wind him up!"

"I know!" laughed Julia. "Poor Derek!"

* * *

Derek had had a pretty miserable day so far, not helped by his headache that wouldn't shift and the page 6 article that was pretty much shoved into his face as soon as he got in. He knew it was bogus, but he had to admit he didn't like how the press were so keen to always put Karen and Josh together, and he knew Josh would be loving every second of it.

"Okay, lucky for you, we're done for today!" Derek said at 2. "Thanks for your hard work everyone. See you tomorrow, bright and early."

He rushed out. He was going to be late if he wasn't careful.

* * *

"Hey gorgeous!" smirked Josh when Karen wandered into the theater after her meeting with Julia. "I knew you couldn't resist me. I know you were the 'source too', don't lie!"

Karen couldn't help but smile. "Did I ever tell you how full of yourself you are!"

"Only every day" he winked. "Fear not though, my manager is all over that article like a rash. Apparently I'm more marketable when single!"

"Oh well, as long as _you're_ okay then Josh" Karen eyerolled, laughing. "Come on, lets go get ready. Can't keep your fans waiting!"

* * *

"It's likely just stress Mr Wills, but seeing as these headaches have been going on for a few weeks now, I'd like to do an MRI scan of your head, just to rule any other cause out. I'll get my assistant to call you with a date for the scan. Should be in the next week or so. In the meantime keep taking those painkillers ... and take plenty of rest!

"I will, thank you doctor."

Derek was exhausted when he left the surgery. He made a decision not to mention any of this to Karen. After everything she'd been through he was still so protective of her. He didn't see any reason to unduly worry her when it was likely nothing.

He headed back to their apartment and made straight for the bedroom. He needed some sleep ... Doctor's orders!

* * *

"Derek?!" Karen called as she entered their apartment. She was tired after another great show. There was no reply from Derek so she assumed he must still be out. She poured herself a glass of water and headed upstairs. She jumped when she walked into the bedroom, but immediately calmed down when she realised that the man lying asleep in her bed was of course her boyfriend. She wondered if this was the first time Derek had ever gone to bed before her.

She quickly got changed and crawled into bed, snuggling up next to him, softly running her hands through his hair, so as not to wake him. He looked so peaceful. He clearly needed the sleep, and she was glad. She was still worried about him. His stress levels were so high right now. "Sleep tight sweetheart" she whispered, kissing him on the forehead. He didn't stir.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: So sorry for the delay in updating. I'm away at the moment, and also had a massive case of writers block with this chapter. I hope you enjoy and continue to read. Thanks :)**

* * *

A brain tumor. Derek was still reeling. When the doctor told him the scan had shown a large mass in the frontal lobe of his brain he couldn't take it in. Little comfort now that at least he knew the reason for his headaches ... and mood swings. The next step was a biopsy, to establish whether the tumor was malignant or not. Until the results of that the doctor said prognosis was impossible to predict.

Derek had been in a daze for the last few days. He hadn't told Karen. He hadn't told anyone. He told Karen he was just stressed but he knew she was getting suspicious. He wondered if this was his punishment. Punishment for his past discretions, and wanton disregard for the women he had slept with. He'd been pinching himself these past 18 months for being the luckiest sod alive, for having snagged the girl of his dreams. Not so lucky now.

He thought of Karen. He wanted to tell her, but something was stopping him. He was scared to put this burden on her. It was too much. He was meant to be the one looking after her, not the other way round. She was in a great place now, but he still couldn't forget that day she'd got shot ... shot taking a bullet that was meant for him. He remembered how he'd held her in his arms watching the life slip away from her. By some miracle she'd survived, but he was so protective of her now. He couldn't put her through anymore pain. He wouldn't. He loved her too much.

* * *

"How is it you can stage a world beating musical, but you can't do up your own bow tie?!" Karen laughed, adjusting it. "Have I ever told you how handsome you look in your tux?!" she teased, twiddling his tie and feeling like a 16 year old again.

He smiled back and gently kissed her on the lips. "I love you so much. I'm not sure I tell you that enough" he said, rubbing his thumb across her cheek.

"Hey, what's brought this on?" she laughed. "I know you've been a grumpy sod recently, but you've not been _that _bad ... although Ana might have something to say about that! Come on sweetie, we better get a move on."

They were headed to the annual Broadway Charity Gala, and all the cream of the Broadway industry would be there. Karen, with two Tony Awards already under her belt was one of the star guests, and she knew it was going to be a night of endless schmoozing. She was exhausted already just thinking about it. What she really wanted to be doing right now was spending a night cuddled up on the couch with Derek. He needed a night to just de-stress.

Ana had told her during lunch yesterday that Derek was getting worse during rehearsals and that a few of the ensemble were even considering going to Marty White, the producer, to get him to sort the situation.

"They just don't know his style of working" Karen had replied, getting defensive. "Look, I know he's tough, but it's just his way of getting results. He just separates business and personal lives when it comes to directing, that's all!"

"It's not just that though Karen. Look I know you love him, and you know how much I do too. But right now, he's almost impossible to work with. He loses his temper all the time, and over minor things too. You must have noticed!"

"Yeah, of course I have" she said quietly. "I've been worried about him if I'm being honest. Most of the time he's the Derek I know and love. My Derek. But more and more frequently he's been snapping at me, getting tetchy. And distracted too. The last few days he's been in another world. I've tried asking him about it, but he keeps saying he's fine and that he's just a little stressed. I don't know though. Bombshell was stressful. So was Hit List, and he never behaved like this during those shows. I wish he'd open up to me more, tell me if something was bothering him." She shook her head.

"You know Derek. He's a man, and a stubborn ass man at that!" laughed Ana. "Just threaten no sex or something until he tells you, that'll do the trick!" she teased.

"Thanks Ana!" laughed Karen. "Look I'll try and speak to him about 'Cabaret'. See if he can't ease up a little bit on you guys. Go back to being just The Dark Lord rather than his evil twin brother!"

They both laughed.

* * *

Karen and Derek were bombarded with questions from reporters when they arrived at the gala, everyone wanting to know about one of Broadway's hottest couples. Karen answered everyone graciously whilst gripping onto Derek's hand tightly. She knew he hated situations like these.

"Survived!" Karen joked, once they'd made their way inside.

"What would I do without you!" laughed Derek. Truth was though, that's all he could think about right now. His head was throbbing, and the last thing he needed right now was an evening spent amongst the Broadway vultures. However Karen always managed to put him at ease.

He watched her as she effortlessly made her way around the room, chatting with colleagues, friends. She had that natural charm and beauty which meant she was the belle of any ball. But it was more than that. The way she'd bounced back from everything, Kyle's and Jimmy's death, nearly dying herself, and done it with such fortitude, made him so proud.

Whether he liked it or not, hers was a great story, and everyone wanted a piece of her. And that 'everybody' included Josh Jennings! Truth be known, Derek liked Josh. He reminded him of how he used to be when he was younger, with an added layer of cheeky chappie charm. But that didn't mean him seeing Josh so outrageously flirt with Karen all the time didn't make him jealous. It pissed him off no end. Karen took it all in her stride, and he trusted her absolutely, but it was just something else to add on to his current misery.

Derek's head was spinning. He made his way to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face, and looked at himself in the mirror. He was going to tell Karen he decided. He couldn't keep this from her anymore.

"Hey it's not that bad is it? I mean, I know it must suck to be you, but you did get the girl right?!"

He looked up to see Josh grinning at him, and couldn't help but smile back.

"That's right I did Joshua! A fact that seems to have passed you by!"

Josh smiled. "You know it's just mucking around right? I think the world of Karen. You're a lucky guy."

Derek smiled. If only he knew

"That said" Josh continued "by the sounds of things, things aren't going too well with the perfect couple right now. Maybe I do have a chance!"

"What the hell do you mean?" Derek snapped, looking up. "What the hell do you know about mine and Karen's relationship?!" He was getting angry now.

"Woah, chill Derek, I'm only kidding around!"

"No you weren't, what the hell did you mean?!" He stood up so that he was facing Josh. He felt like crap and the last thing he needed right now was some little scrote passing judgement on him and his girlfriend.

"Look, Karen was just telling me you were a little stressed at the moment, that's all. She's worried about you ... and your behaviour."

Something inside Derek snapped, and he grabbed Josh by the lapels, practically lifting his legs off the ground and shoving him against the wall.

"Derek, what the f ..."

"My behaviour, my behaviour?!" Derek interrupted. "Let me tell you about my behaviour Josh. It's about to get a whole lot worse if you don't stay away from my girlfriend!"

He forcefully let go of Josh and rushed out of the bathroom. He needed to find Karen.

* * *

Karen was chatting to her old Bombshell team, Julia, Tom and Eileen, when she felt someone forcefully grab her arm.

"Karen we're going!" she heard Derek whisper in her ear.

"Derek, what are you doing?!" she said, releasing herself from his grasp.

"We're going Karen, right now!" he said, grabbing her arm again.

"Derek, no!" she whispered angrily, pulling her arm out of his grip again. She could sense her friends staring at them and didn't want to make a scene. "We're at the Charity Gala and I'm talking to my friends ... guys will you excuse us a second" she said, smiling at them, and leading Derek to a nearby table.

"Derek what the hell is wrong with you, Jesus?! You don't own me!"

"What's wrong with me?!" he laughed. "Funny you should ask that!"

"What do you mean?" she said, suddenly concerned.

"I don't mean anything" he said. "Look I'm tired Karen. I just want to get out of here, that's all. We ... we need to talk."

"Okay, okay, we'll go in a bit" she said softly. She could see how agitated he was. "I've got my duet with Josh coming up shortly. Someone paid $10,000 to hear us sing "'All I Ask of You' together. We'll go after that."

"Of course!" Derek snorted sarcastically. "Nothing can stand in the way of you and Josh!"

"What the heck is _that _supposed to mean?"

"You know exactly what it means Karen!" He was getting angry now, his voice rising.

"No, no, I don't! Look Derek, just go home, and we'll talk when I get back okay?! You're clearly not in the right frame of mind for anything right now!"

"Right frame of mind?!" Derek exclaimed, laughing. "I tell you what! I'll go home and you can hang out here and tell Josh some more details about our relationship. In fact, why not just tell everyone, I'm sure they're all dying to hear it!" He was shouting and Karen could sense the everyone looking over.

"And don't stop at my behaviour ... why not go all out and fill them in on our sex life too! I bet people wouldn't find Karen Cartwright quite so sweet and innocent if they knew about that!"

She heard gasps around her. The gossip rags were going to have a field day with this. Karen looked at the man she loved, and didn't even recognise him anymore. He was so angry, so bitter.

"Okay, you're just being a first class dick now! Whatever _this _is Derek, we will talk about it later."

Karen quickly moved away. She needed to get away from him.

"Karen" she heard Julia say as she rushed past.

"I'm fine Julia" she managed to smile. "I just need some fresh air."

She made her way out, and the emotions of what had just happened to her overcame her, and she began to cry. She didn't know what was going on. Her relationship seemed to be crumbling right in front of her, and she didn't know why. If she didn't know why she wasn't sure she knew how to fix it either. She did know that the Derek she saw just now wasn't the Derek she loved, and it scared her.

She took a few more minutes to compose herself and made her way back inside.


	6. Chapter 6

Derek poured himself another scotch and walked over to the window. The lights of Broadway were twinkling below him, and he thought of Karen down there. He hated himself for what he said to her, for humiliating her the way he did. He didn't even know if he could blame it on his illness, or just that self-destructive button he couldn't seem to stop pushing. It was probably a combination of both.

He was still standing at the window, lost in thought, when he heard the apartment door open and turned to see Karen standing there.

"Hey" was all he could manage.

She put her bag on the table and slowly walked over to him, until she was facing him, touching distance.

"'Hey'?That's all you've got to say? How about some sort of explanation for whatever the hell was going on in your head back there Derek. Do I mean so little to you now that you're resorting to insulting me in front of our colleagues ... our friends?! What the hell is going on, seriously?!"

She was getting angry, and he could see the hurt in her eyes.

"I'm sorry Karen. I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry. I truly am. I, I don't know what came over me. It's all just been getting to me recently, with the show and everything. And then Josh mentioned you'd told him about us, and I overreacted. I shouldn't have said what I said. I wish I could take it back ... but I hope you can forgive me."

"Forgive you? It's pretty hard to do that Derek if I don't even know what the hell I'm forgiving! Am I forgiving you for what you said tonight, for your behaviour in general these past few weeks, for the fact that I know that wasn't the real you saying those things, or the fact that you're clearly keeping things from me?!"

"I'm not keeping anything from you."

"Yes you are!" she shouted. "Jesus Derek, you think I don't know you?! The man that I've lived with this past year and a half? The man that I love! I know you're keeping something from me. What is it?"

"I've told you. This sodding show ..."

"Bullshit Derek!" she interrupted. "You wouldn't be the director you are if you couldn't handle the stress of it all! ... look" she said, more quietly now. "Whatever it is, please just tell me. Please be honest with me. I've been so worried about you these past few weeks. It scares me the way you've been behaving. You've been like a different person recently."

She moved closer to him and took both his hands, looking deeply into his eyes. They were glistening, and Derek felt terrible for lying to her. He just couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth.

"Derek. I love you. If only one thing came out of what happened" she said, lifting his hands to her chest, covering the area of her scar where the bullet had passed through. "... it's that we're in this together, for better or worse. It's you who taught me that."

She looked at him expectantly. He could see the sincerity in her eyes.

"Karen, sweetheart. You have to trust me. Everything I do I do out of my love for you, you know that don't you?"

"I'm not sure I do Derek. It hasn't felt like that these past few weeks. It certainly didn't feel like that tonight."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I really am. I know I've been acting like a dick recently. Snapping at you and everyone. I haven't been much fun to be around, I know that. But things will be different from now on, I promise. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Okay?"

She nodded. "You promise me there's nothing else?"

"I promise."

Derek kissed her tenderly on the lips. If he kept on telling himself that he was lying to her for her own protection maybe it would make himself feel better about it.

Karen broke away from him and stroked his cheek lovingly. "You know you're going to have to do some serious grovelling tomorrow Derek, and that includes Josh" she said. "He told me what you did. I'm not someone you can treat as your property Derek. I never have been and I never will be."

"I know."

He moved in and began trailing kisses down her neck, and heard her moan in response. "I'm not sure you deserve this right now" she gasped, unbuttoning his shirt.

"This is me making things up to you" he teased, and he saw her smile in response. God, he needed her so badly. He slowly unzipped her dress and let it fall to the floor, leaving her standing in her underwear. He never got tired of the sight of her gorgeous body. He moved his hands to her buttocks, and lifted her, causing her to wrap her legs tightly around him.

"God Derek" she gasped, as he kissed the sensitive spot on her collarbone. He carried her to the kitchen, putting her down on the counter as she moved to undo his belt and pants, stroking him as she did so. He elicited his own moan in response.

"Do you want to take this upstairs?" he managed, as Karen stripped him down to his boxers.

"No" she moaned. "Here."

"See, I wasn't lying when I said you aren't quite the sweet and innocent Karen Cartwright everyone thinks you are" he smirked, unclipping her bra and placing kisses all over her.

"Don't push it Derek!" she managed to gasp, as he lost himself in her. It was like he was making love to her for the first time.

* * *

She woke up to the sound of her phone ringing, and untangled herself from Derek's arms, reaching out to grab her phone. It was Ana.

"Hey girl" she sleepily replied.

"Heyyyyy! Did I wake you sorry!"

"Yeah Ana, Jesus!" she joked.

"So I guess you didn't see what Riedel wrote about the Gala last night? He kindly devoted half the article to you and Derek!"

"Ugh" Karen groaned. "Do I even want to know?!"

"It's not so bad, but he's making out you and Derek are having serious relationship troubles. Karen, is everything okay?!"

She looked over at Derek, as he lay sleeping.

"Yeah, everything's fine" she lied. "We talked last night, and he apologised for the way he's been acting. I think things will be better with 'Cabaret' too ... look I better go girl, but lets catch up to tomorrow? I'll fill you in on everything then."

"Sounds good. And remember, Riedel's just the worst!"

"Thanks Ana" she laughed. "Speak to you tomorrow."

She hung up, and looked over at Derek, and ran her fingers through his hair. She realised he had avoided telling her anything. She didn't doubt his love for her, but the thought that he might be keeping things from her hurt. She wiped the tears from her eyes and rolled out of bed, heading to the kitchen. Maybe she was just being paranoid. She trusted Derek implicitly, she did. But then why couldn't she shake this feeling inside her.

She was making coffee when she felt him wrap his arms around her. "Hey gorgeous."

"Hey" she smiled. He still made her feel weak at the knees, even now. She turned to face him, lightly kissing his lips. "I've got one word for you ... Riedel!"

"Oh Christ, what's he sodding written?!"

"I don't know, but you're dealing with it Derek!" she said, handing him his coffee. "I know he's full of rubbish but its still my life he crapping all over. Our life."

"I know. I'll sort everything. I promise" he said, kissing her on the cheek.

She wanted to believe him so much.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: So as I was going along I realise my timings are out again sorry, so I've re-edited the previous chapters so that chapter 2 starts 2 months prior to the events of the prologue, not 3, and Kyle's benefit is only 3 months away, not 4. Hope that's okay. Thanks and I hope you enjoy this chapter. It's mainly filler, but it's setting everything up for some good stuff ahead lol.**

* * *

It had been a week since the Charity Gala and things seemed to be getting back to normal. Karen had unfortunately borne the brunt of Derek's outburst, with the Broadway gossip mongers running wild with the Karen/Josh angle as a cause of it. Everyone close to her knew it was all rubbish, but it didn't make Derek feel any less awful for it. If anything it just underlined to him that this illness was only hurting her. Until he knew more he had to keep it to himself. Derek had apologised to Josh, who in turn had made clear to the press that any and all rumours of him and Karen were completely untrue, which had seemed to appease them for now.

Derek's doctor had prescribed him drugs to help with his headaches, and other than the worry of his upcoming biopsy, he was feeling a lot better. His brain surgeon had told him that the biopsy would require him to say in hospital for 2 or3 days in hospital, given that he'd be under general anaesthetic and the operation would involve making a small hole in his skull to remove a sample of the tumor from his brain. Derek was scared, but he needed to keep strong, for Karen.

As chance would have it 'Cabaret' rehearsals were on a week break, and so Derek told Karen he was going to go to take the opportunity to go to London for a few days, to help Jerry with the transition of 'Hit List' to the West End, and to catch up with his family.

"I can't believe you're volunteering to spend time with Jerry!" Karen had said. "I'd rather have bamboo shoots shoved up my finger nails!"

"Yeah well, I'm doing it for 'Hit List' not Jerry!"

Derek hated himself for the web of lies he was spinning, but he kept telling himself it was the only way. It was a Monday night and he and Karen were snuggled up in bed together after a long day.

"What time's your flight tomorrow?" she asked.

"2 pm" he lied.

"You want me to come to the airport, see you off?"

"No it's okay darling" he replied. "I've got a few meetings beforehand in midtown and will catch a cab afterwards."

He rubbed his thumb across Karen's cheek. She was so exhausted she could barely keep her eyes open. He lovingly kissed her forehead. "You've made me so happy, you know that?! You'll always be my true love."

"Woah, what's with the soppiness?!" she laughed, kissing him back. "Well I'm not going planning on going anywhere, so luckily for you" she grinned, "you're stuck with me."

She rested her head on his chest and he wrapped his arms tightly around her. She was asleep in a second. He gently stroked her hair. He wished he could stay awake all night and savour this moment, knowing that after tomorrow everything that might change. "Whatever happens, I love you" he whispered.

* * *

"So, how are things with my favourite bickering couple?" joked Julia a couple of days later. She had met Karen for lunch in Greenwich.

"They're okay thanks" she laughed in reply. "Derek seems back to his old self again. I think he was just letting everything get on top of him. I just ... I ..."

"You just what?"

"I don't know. I just still can't shift this feeling that he's keeping something from me. He's seemed so reflective recently, and I'm always suspicious when a man gets overly gooey, and he's been laying it on thick recently" she laughed.

"I'm sure it's just his way of letting you know he's been a bit of a prat recently. I saw how he was Karen when you were back in Iowa. How heartbroken he was over everything. He loves you so much. Maybe it just scared him a little that he might lose you.

"But he's not going to lose me. I just wish he didn't feel this need to protect me the whole time."

"Karen, you nearly died, and he's been struggling with the guilt of that ever since. It's only natural that he's going to feel that way.

"That bullet was always meant for me" she said quietly. "But I guess you're right ... Anyway, enough about my relationship with Derek. It's boring compared to the sensationalist rubbish Riedel's been writing!"

They both laughed. They spent the next few hours mapping out the theme for Kyle's benefit. It was coming up fast but things were coming together well. All the original Hit Listers would be performing, and in addition they'd managed to secure a number of top Broadway stars to perform, including Josh. The proceeds would go towards the Broadway Education Foundation, a great local charity that gave inner city kids who otherwise wouldn't have opportunity the chance to attend performance classes with the elite of Broadway - the actors, directors and choreographers. It was a charity they all felt would be close to Kyle's heart.

They eventually settled the bill and as Julia nipped to the restroom Karen texted Derek.

_"Hey loverboy! Just had a great meeting with Julia for Kyle's show. Can't wait to share. Hope London good, and you got a chance to catch up with your mum. Give her my love. Love you. Karen x ps. Let me know when your flight gets in."_

* * *

"How are you feeling?"

"Good, thank you Doctor. When can I get out of here, I'm going stir crazy!"

"Good news is, you're good to go. We'll have the results in a few days, so I'll have my assistant call you to arrange for you to come in and see me then. Do you have anyone to pick you up now?"

"I'm just going to take a cab back to my apartment."

She smiled knowingly. "Mr Wills, if I may ... I find like at times like these the support of our loved ones is invaluable."

"Thank you Doctor" he replied. "But really I'm fine."

She left him to his thoughts and he gathered together his belongings. He touched his head where they'd made the hole, and wondered how he'd explain this one away to Karen. Just then his phone beeped and he checked to see that she'd sent him a text. He shook his head as he read it. The last thing he wanted to do was deceive her.

_"Hey!"_ He replied._ "No chance to see mum but promise I'll call her when home. I won't be able to stand the nagging otherwise ;) London good, will tell all when see you. Flight gets in late afternoon so will see you later after 'Greed'. Love you x"_

He pushed the send button and immediately pressed his head into his hands. He knew he didn't deserve it, but he prayed everything was going to be okay. Derek had always been somewhat of a control freak, and whilst being with Karen had loosened him up a lot, he had always hated the feeling of not being in control, and right now his life, his fate, was completely out of his hands. He was struggling with the notion.

The irony was that the one person he wished he could seek comfort in, who would tell him everything would be okay, and would kiss away his fears, was the one person he couldn't bring himself to tell. Maybe he did deserve everything that came his way.


	8. Chapter 8

He nervously sat in reception twiddling his thumbs. He'd been trying to remain as calm as possible the past few days, so as not to alarm Karen, and himself. 'Cabaret' was still on its week break and so he'd been spending as much time as possible with her during the days before each evening performance of 'Greed'. He selfishly wanted to keep her all to himself.

Yesterday they'd had a long walk down to their favourite place at South Street Seaport and sat cuddled up eating fish and chips. It was perfect as always.

"You know, I remember the first time we did this, I'd never felt more at home than I did with you that day. And I never wanted to kiss you more" he grinned.

"I remember. I felt the same, but I was still coming up with any reason to not want to think of you in that way" Karen laughed. "I guess I was scared. Now though, after everything we went through, I've realised there's no point in being scared. Life deals you your hand and you just have to deal with it. Maybe I didn't do that so well before but now, thanks to you, I know it's all about looking forward, never back. Other than the good stuff of course!" she smiled. "I'm glad my future has you in it Derek. I can't imagine it without you."

She'd kissed him and he'd kissed her back passionately, wanting to take her all in.

They watched as a family walked past, the little boy of about 4 skipping as he held his little sister's hand.

"Awww that's adorable" Karen said "I'm not saying now Derek, so don't freak out" she laughed "but one day I'd love to have a family of my own ... with you. I, I know we haven't really talked about it ..."

"I'd love that too" he whispered.

"Really?" She sounded almost surprised.

"What, am I so much of the Dark Lord that you can't imagine me wanting kids?" he teased.

"Noooo" she laughed. "It's just that you've never really spoken about it that's all. I've always thought you'd make a great dad."

"You do? Maybe that's because you always see the best in me."

She whacked him playfully.

"Ow, that hurt!" he laughed.

"Quit doing that, will you?!"

" What?!"

"Always doing yourself down. You're such a good man Derek. I wish you'd realise that yourself sometimes."

"I don't think I was such a good person before I met you."

"Rubbish, of course you were" she'd said, settling back into his arms. "You just didn't let anyone in that's all."

"Mr Wills? Mr Wills?"

He stirred from his thoughts to find Doctor Morris standing in front of him, smiling.

"Sorry Doctor, I was in another world. And please, you've been poking around in my brain. If nothing else that at least gives you the right to call me Derek" he smiled.

"Okay Derek" she laughed. "Would you like to come into my office?"

He followed her in and tentatively sat down.

"So we've got your results back Derek. It's mixed news I'm afraid. The tumor has come back as being malignant."

Derek was sinking. "So that means ..."

"It means you have brain cancer Derek, I'm sorry to have to tell you."

Derek was numb. Brain cancer. He'd been fearing the worst, but just hearing her it hit him like a brick. He hadn't really let himself contemplate what this could mean, for him, for Karen.

"Wow, okay" was all he could muster.

"Derek I know this is difficult to take in, so please take as long as you need."

He wasn't really hearing anything that she was saying. He'd always just taken his health for granted, and now he was having to face a battle with cancer. He was scared. His life this past year and a half had been so wonderful and fulfilled. He didn't want to have to let that go.

"Am I going to die? Is it terminal?"

"Derek, the cancer is treatable. It's not terminal at this stage, but it is very serious. This is a fast growing tumor, and as it grows the cancer will spread, making it harder to cure."

"Okay so how do we beat this sucker?" he smiled, as if somehow making light of everything would make it better.

"We need to remove the tumor from your brain with surgery, and then follow up with an intensive course of chemotherapy to try and kill any remaining cancer cells. There's no guarantee that this will destroy the cancer, but at this stage there's a chance. However, I need to tell you that the type of tumor, and its size and location actually makes it more complicated to operate on, and remove. Allowing the tumour to grow would make the surgery much less risky, but that would mean effectively letting your cancer spread, and by that time it will be harder to treat."

"So you're saying if we operate now the surgery is high risk, but if we wait by that stage the cancer might be untreatable anyway?"

"In a nutshell Derek, yes.

"That is some choice" he said. "So this chemotherapy, what are the side effects? If it's strong enough to kill my cancer I can't imagine it's going to do nice things to me."

"Chemotherapy will make you sick during the course of the treatment, there's no getting away from that. But that's short term. Long term there is a risk that the chemotherapy can cause infertility, but whether or not that's temporary or permanent depends on a number of things, such as the levels of dosage.

"If we are able to successfully treat this, you will also always be at high risk of the cancer returning, and so you will need ongoing checks for the rest of your life."

"Derek, this isn't about making a decision now. I know this is all a lot to take in, so let's sit down and discuss all options in more detail with you in the next few days. I don't think now is the time for that" she smiled sympathetically. "Have you spoken to your family, your friends, about this?"

"Ummmm, no I didn't want to worry them until I knew ... " he laughed ruefully, shaking his head.

"Derek, this isn't something to be ashamed of, remember that. This type of illness, it's going to affect you profoundly. The treatment is going to be long and at times difficult, for you and everyone around you. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't lean on them at times like this." she smiled. "You need as much support as you can get."

"Thank you doctor." He stood to get up. He needed to get out of there. His head was spinning, and he felt like he couldn't breathe. She was right. It was a lot to take in. He shook her hand, as if he was having a business meeting, not a meeting with the doctor who held his fate in her hands.

"I'll have my assistant call you to make another appointment in the next few days, okay?" she said.

He nodded. "Thank you."

He rushed out into the cool air. His head was spinning, he didn't even know where to start with all the thoughts running around in his head. He knew he needed a drink, that much was certain. He made his way into the nearest bar and sat down on the stool.

"Large scotch please" he gestured to the barman.

* * *

Karen took it all in as she ran out onto the stage to receive the applause of the audience as another performance ended. It was one of her best performances and the audience were on there feet.

"You were on fire tonight Cartwright" Josh whispered.

Truth be told, Karen was throwing everything into her performances right now. Maybe it was her way of compartmentalising everything. If she just focused on work maybe it would stop her delving too deeply into her relationship with Derek, because whenever she did that at the moment she ended up tying herself in knots.

She knew Derek inside out. Despite everything he said to the contrary, she knew something still wasn't right. She wished he could tell her. Why couldn't he tell her? She hated herself for thinking it, but the thought had even run through her head that maybe he was seeing someone else. But then she didn't doubt his love for her, and the last few days had only cemented that. And he wanted to have children with her! She beamed at the thought.

Maybe he was sick? That thought terrified her, but he wouldn't keep something like that from her. Maybe it really was just stress. He always pushed himself so far to the brink with work that something had to give eventually. And since his outburst and mood swings, things had seemed back to normal. Maybe it was just that.

She'd just finished changing when Josh knocked and came in. "Hey girl, after I've attended to my adoring fans, do you fancy getting a drink somewhere?"

Karen laughed. "Do you ever stop?! I bet you even have posters of yourself on your wall!"

"Of course" he grinned.

"I'm good thanks Josh. I'm pretty beat. Tomorrow though okay?!"

"Deal."

She wearily made her way into the apartment and dumped her bags on the sofa.

"Hey sweetheart!" she shouted. There was no answer so she assumed Derek was already in bed sleeping. She quietly made her way into the bedroom, but he wasn't there. He hadn't said he was going out, and would have let her know if he was going to be late. She looked at the clock. It was already gone midnight. She took her cell for her back pocket and called him but it went straight to voicemail. She texted him.

_"Hey you. At the risk of sounding like a possessive gf, where are you?! Hope all ok. Let me know when you'll be back so I'm not worrying. Love you xoxo"_

She got changed for bed and dived under the covers. She wouldn't be able to sleep until she knew everything he was okay. Just one more thing to worry about.

* * *

**AN: I'm not a doctor, and so I know I'm taking certain liberties with the medical bit, and I'm sure there will be inaccuracies, so apologies if that's the case. I've researched this cancer a little, so I've tried to make it as realistic as I can, or at least somewhat believable. I hope you're all still enjoying this story. I'm sorry it's not the cheeriest! ;)**


	9. Chapter 9

It was 6.00 am and Karen was panicking. She hadn't slept all night through worry. Derek still hadn't come home. Her calls were going straight through to his voicemail, and he hadn't responded to any of her texts, and she was starting to fear the worst. She picked up her phone again and dialled Julia's number, who eventually sleepily answered.

"Julia, it's Karen. I'm so sorry to ring so early, and sorry if I woke you, but, well Derek didn't come home last night, and I'm really worried. I know you saw him yesterday for lunch. Did he say where he was going afterwards? Do you know where he might be?"

"All he said to me was that he had some business meetings sweetheart. Karen, please don't panic though, we'll track him down. Let me do some ringing around as well. Who've you spoken to?"

"Just you so far. Thank you Julia. I don't want to overreact, but he's never not come before. He always lets me know if he's going to be late. What if something's happened to him?!"

"I'm sure there'll be a simple explanation Karen. Try not to worry."

Just then she heard the apartment door opening, and raced out of the bedroom.

"Oh thank God! Julia, I can hear him coming in now! Is it okay to talk to you later?"

"Oh what a relief. I'll speak to you later sweetie. Try to stay calm!" she teased.

"Thanks Julia." Karen hung up and made her way down the stairs. Derek had stumbled into the kitchen and was pouring himself a scotch when she got there. He was still in the same clothes as he had on the morning before and looked a complete state.

The relief Karen felt at seeing Derek almost immediately turned to anger. "Derek, where the hell have you been?!" Karen shouted. She couldn't help herself. "I've been so worried."

He looked at her with glazed eyes and she immediately knew he'd been drinking.

"Jesus Derek, you're drunk?! It's 6.00 am. What have you been doing all night?"

"Karen I can explain" he slurred, taking a swig of his scotch. She immediately grabbed the glass and threw the rest of the contents down the sink.

"Hey!"

"I think you've had enough! Okay this explanation better be good."

"I bumped into some old school buddies in Bar Centro, and one drink led to another. My cell battery died so I couldn't call you. Sorry Karen."

"That's it? _That's_ the best you can come up with?"

"You don't believe me?"

"No I don't Derek. I don't believe you because you don't just not come home at night and not let me know."

"Jesus Karen, you don't own me."

"No I don't, but you're my boyfriend, and we live together, and if you're not going to make it home I'd quite like to know about it! It didn't occur to you that I'd be worried sick? I thought something had happened to you. I had a million different scenarios running through my head, and none of them good."

"Oh of course this becomes all about how you feel Karen!" he said sarcastically.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she shouted. "All I ever think about these days is YOU! Something's going on and for whatever reason you're not telling me. What is it Derek, just tell me please?!"

"Nothing's going on, Jesus. If I had a dollar for every time you've asked me that ..."

"Then where were you last night?"

"I told you, I was out with some old school buddies."

Karen looked at him. She wanted to trust him, but just couldn't. "I don't believe you" she said quietly. "Just tell me the truth please Derek."

She started to cry, she couldn't help herself. The combination of worry, relief and anger ... and suspicion.

"Darling don't cry" he said moving towards her.

She instinctively stepped away from him. "Stay away from me Derek."

"Karen!"

"I'm tired Derek. I've had no sleep. All I want is the truth. Whatever it is. Are ... are you seeing someone else?" She hated herself for going there, but she needed to know.

"Of course not Karen!" he answered angrily. "You think I've been out shagging some other woman?!"

"I don't know what to think! That's the problem Derek! All I know is that this past month you've been all over the place. Your mood swings, the Gala, 'Cabaret'. You even came back from London with stitches in your head from some fight! But then down at the Seaport the other day, that's the Derek I love, fell in love with. I just seem to be seeing less and less of him these days."

She moved back towards him again, until she was touching distance, and gently reached for his face, and stoked his cheek with her thumb.

"Derek. If something's happened. If you're sick? Anything. Please tell me. We don't keep secrets from each other. I love you. Whatever it is, we'll deal with it together."

She looked into his eyes, and could see tears forming. He reached for her own cheek and wiped away the tears that had run down her face. He was hesitating, like he wanted to tell her, but something was stopping him.

"Karen ... I, I was out with school friends like I said. I'm sorry I didn't call you. I didn't mean to worry you."

She knew he was lying. She could see it in his eyes. He couldn't even look at her straight. The hurt she felt at the rejection, deception, almost overwhelmed her.

"I can't do this Derek. I don't want to be feeling like this. Feeling like I can't trust you." She shook her head. She couldn't stop her tears from falling.

"Sober up Derek, you're a mess, and maybe then you might want to tell me the truth."

She left him in the kitchen and ran upstairs to her room, slamming the door shut and locking it behind her. She made her way to the bed and buried her face in the covers and sobbed. It felt like Derek was slipping away from her, and the thought terrified her.


	10. Chapter 10

A few weeks had gone by since his diagnosis and Derek was a compete mess. He wasn't handling the news well. He wasn't handling it at all. His life seemed to be on some sort of autopilot. 'Cabaret' rehearsals during the day, usually followed by a visit to a nearby salubrious bar where he'd invariably get obliterated on booze. He hadn't been back to see Doctor Morris, despite the constant calls from her office, and his headaches had returned worse than ever as a result of his medication running out. The alcohol wasn't helping either. He had well and truly pressed the self-destruct button, but he didn't really care.

His relationship with Karen had also all but disintegrated. They were still living together but they might as well have been on the other side of the world from each other given the amount of time they had actually been spending together. She hadn't believed his lies, but why should she? That's exactly what they were.

He knew he should tell her. A part of him wanted to tell her more than anything, but he just couldn't do it. He'd heard the doctor. Surgery was a risk, and even if that was successful it would be months of treatment that might not even kill the cancer. He didn't want Karen to have to deal with that. He thought back to his dad's long battle with terminal cancer when he was younger. His mum had been so strong throughout but it had nearly destroyed her too. She became a shadow of the person she was before his illness, and it took her a long time to recover. He didn't think she'd ever gotten over it.

Karen had her whole life ahead of her. She was still only 27. She wanted children. She wanted _his _children, but he knew he couldn't guarantee that if he got through the illness. And he knew Karen. He knew she wouldn't let them not being able to have kids together destroy their relationship, but there would always be that unspoken loss between them.

Most of all Derek knew that if he told Karen about the cancer she would never give up on him. She'd be there to support him to the end, whatever that end might be. It was this that he couldn't let happen. If he cut Karen loose now he knew she'd be devastated, but she would recover. She could get on with her life, she was still young. She was talented, gorgeous and a total sweetheart. She'd have a ton of men much more worthy than him vying for her affection and eventually she would find someone else to love. Someone who wouldn't drag her down the way his illness would do.

Just thinking about her though threw him deeper into his pit of despair. He loved her so much. Just the thought of being without her pained him. The thought of intentionally hurting her nearly killed him. But it was what he needed to do. He knew that Karen hadn't signed up for this, for him to keep things from her. When they'd finally gotten together, after everything that she went through, it was on the promise that they would be there for each other, no matter what.

He remembered back to that night Karen came back to him again. He'd told her then that when you love someone you're there for them, however bad things get, because that's what people do when they love each other. He still believed that, but when reality had hit he just couldn't bring himself to burden Karen with it. He figured that the pain of her potentially losing him through cancer would be far worse than the pain of her losing him now.

Maybe he was being selfish. He probably was. He wasn't giving Karen a choice. She was so strong now, but he couldn't stop being protective of her, and this was his way of looking out for her. He picked up the phone and dialled the number before he lost his nerve.

* * *

Karen took in the applause, smiling and waving to the audience. It was all a facade. Deep down she was in despair. She knew her performances were probably suffering as a result. All she could think about was the breakdown of her relationship with Derek. 2 months ago she'd never been more content, yet here she was a short while later wondering if her and Derek would even survive the week.

Derek seemed to be going off the rails. Ever since the night he didn't come home he'd started coming home later and later, often in the early hours. He'd always been drinking. If she asked him where he'd been he'd just say out with business colleagues. He had become temperamental again too, snapping at her over the smallest things.

Part of her was concerned for him. She couldn't help it. She loved him too much to just put it down to Derek having the odd bad day. She knew him too well, and knew something had triggered this change in him. She just didn't know what, and it was this that was hurting her so much. It pained her that he couldn't tell her, which only led her to become more suspicious of why he couldn't tell her.

She'd confided in both Ana and Julia. They'd both seen the change in Derek too, but were adamant that Derek loved her too much for it to be anything like him seeing someone else. They thought maybe he was having troubles with 'Cabaret' and that he was just too stubborn and had too much pride to talk about it to her, or anyone, and that maybe this was causing his stress levels to rise. Just speaking to them had made Karen feel better, but then reality always hit, and Karen was back to feeling miserable again.

Most of all she missed him. She missed cuddling up to Derek each night and them telling each other all about their day. The things that made them laugh, cry. The things that worried them. Now they were like strangers. They hadn't made love for weeks. He was so distant now. He seemed a shadow of the man she loved, and it scared her so much.

What scared her more was that she knew things couldn't continue like this. Something had to give. She just didn't know what to do. Should she suggest they went on a break? Should she leave him? She was holding back on making a decision because she was constantly hoping he'd snap out of it. That things would go back to the way they were. Plus, how could she leave him when she didn't even know the reason things had gotten like this in the first place!

Her head was in a spin. She'd never felt so unsure, so alone. Usually if something was bothering her she'd tell Derek and he'd make everything okay. Now he was the reason for the pain she was feeling.

She wearily opened the apartment door. She'd been out for a few drinks with her fellow castmates. In an attempt to cheer her up they'd dragged her out to the nearest dive bar after the show, and it had worked for a while, but she soon slipped away. She was so tired, and just wanted to sleep. She assumed Derek would be out. He always seemed to be these days.

She was just getting herself a glass of water when she thought she heard a noise upstairs. "Derek, is that you?" she shouted, but got no response. She made her way up and opened her bedroom door. The sight before her stopped her in her tracks. The bedside light was dimly lit, and there, in their bed, was Derek ... he was with another woman. They were both naked under the covers, and seemed to be asleep. The woman had long red hair, which was splayed across the pillow. She was lying on her front, as was Derek. His arm was wrapped around her, the same way he would hold her.

She didn't know how long she stood there for. She was in shock, frozen to the spot. She was finding it difficult to comprehend the sight before her. Derek. The man she loved. In bed with another woman! In their bed! Just then, as if he could feel the eyes boring into him, Derek stirred and slowly turned over, sitting up until his eyes were focusing on her. She hadn't moved from the doorway.

"You snake!" was all she could manage. She felt like her heart had been ripped out. She needed to get out of there. She didn't need an explanation. It was right in front of her, plain to see. Her heart was beating so fast she was struggling to even breathe. She backed away, turned, and ran out of the door. Tears were streaming down her face. She was almost hyperventilating with the shock of it all. She heard Derek shout after her, but she couldn't speak to him. Not now.

She stumbled out of the building, and gulped in the cold air, trying to regulate her breathing. She couldn't hold it together and broke down, slumping against a nearby wall, burying her head in her hands, sobbing. How could he do this to her?! She sat like that a long time before she peeled herself off the ground and started walking. She didn't know where she was going. She just needed to be anywhere but here.

Eventually she came across an old haunt of hers from her 'Hit List' days. It seemed as good a place as any. She headed straight for the bar and sat herself down, ordering a double vodka and coke. She needed to numb the pain that was coursing through her body. Maybe if she got so drunk she could forget everything that had just happened. Maybe it was all just a terrible dream.

She sat there a long time until Ana came to take her away. She was a total mess. She was struggling to stand. Struggling to take anything in. She was vaguely aware of Ana tucking her into bed, but everything before and after was a blur. She knew enough to know it was over. Just like that the man she loved had destroyed everything they had together. He had torn apart their life, and she had no idea why.


	11. Chapter 11

Where the hell was she? Why did her head hurt so much? She slowly sat up and took in her surroundings. She was in her old bed in the apartment she used to share with Ana. Slowly everything started coming back to her. Derek. Another woman. Drinking. Lots of Drinking! For a moment she thought it must be a bad dream. Derek had cheated on her! Had that really happened? She suddenly felt a wave of nausea rushing through her and raced to the bathroom, emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet.

She was a wreck. Physically and emotionally. She suddenly felt a soothing hand rubbing her back and looked up to see Ana standing over her.

"It's okay girl" she said sympathetically. "Just let it all out."

Karen collapsed next to the toilet and began sobbing.

"How could he do that Ana. How could he?!"

Ana sat down next to her bestie and pulled her in for a hug, stroking her hair. "I don't know sweetie, I don't know."

They must have sat like that a good 30 minutes, on the cold bathroom floor, whilst Karen weeped in Ana's arms. All the emotions that had built up in her these past couple of months came rushing out. She eventually calmed, and untangled herself from Ana's embrace, wiping away the tears and stains running down her face.

"Thank you Ana" she whispered.

"You know I've always got your back girl"

"I know ... you know what else?"

"What?"

"I'm sworn off Brits for life. Cheating scumbags, the lot of them!" They both laughed.

"See!" exclaimed Ana. "You made a joke! You're halfway to being fine already girl! ... Who is she?" she asked after a while.

"I don't know" Karen said quietly. "I walked into the bedroom last night after the show and, and there they were. In bed together. In _our _bed ... asleep. Naked! All I know is she had red hair. Derek woke up but I ran out of there before he could speak to me ... Do you think he's been seeing her this whole time? All these weeks I've been worried sick about him, about his behaviour, when he's probably been f*cking her the whole time!" Karen was getting angry now. "F*cking bastard!"

"Karen Cartwright! I don't think I've ever heard you use the F word before! It suits you!" joked Ana.

Karen couldn't help but smile. Her bestie always had a way of making things better.

"I don't know what he's been playing at" continued Ana. "Part of me can't believe it. I know that doesn't help right now ... What are you going to do?"

Karen felt herself start to well up again. "I know it's over" she said, her voice cracking. "I won't be with someone who's cheated on me. I'm not a mug, whatever people might think about me. The thing is ... it's almost like he wanted me to catch him. Why else would he be with her, in our bed, at that time?"

The tears started rolling down Karen's face again, she couldn't help it.

"Why did he do it Ana? I know things have been crappy between us recently, but I thought we'd get through it. I thought he loved me. I never doubted that. I was wrong. I guess I am a mug then!" she laughed bitterly. "God, only a few weeks ago we were talking about the future. Having kids together! What am I going to do? I love him so much. I'm not sure I know how to be without him" she sobbed.

"Come here girl!" Ana said soothingly, pulling Karen back into a comforting hug. "You've been through worse, and look how you came out of that! You're so strong Karen, you just wait and see!"

"But when things were bad before, I always had Derek."

"And you always had me too, and you've still got me! And Julia, and your parents, your friends. We're all there for you, you know that. Now come on, let's get you cleaned up! Have a shower and I'll make us some breakfast. You need to eat. And you're staying here for as long as you need. Then, whenever you're ready we'll sit down and work out how we're going to deal with this, okay?!"

"Okay. As always, I don't know what I'd do without you."

"We'll, it works both ways. Don't forget all the times you've helped me through my scrapes too girl ... remember Big Al?!"

"Oh my god!" laughed Karen. "I thought we swore we'd never talk about him again!"

"Yeah well, if it'll put a smile on your face!" laughed Ana. "Come on girl, let's get you up."

* * *

No matter how hard he tried, Derek couldn't get that look out of his head. The shock. The utter disbelief in her eyes. The hurt. He despised himself for doing that to her. God, the way she looked at him. He would have told her then, the truth. If she'd have waited. If she hadn't run off, he would have told her. But she didn't, and now it was done.

How could he do that to her? Well he knew why. He just didn't think it would eat away at his soul the way it was doing. He hoped she was okay, and being looked after. She must despise him. He didn't blame her.

He stared out of the window, rubbing his temple, staring out at the city below. Broadway, a place where dreams are made ... and broken. There was nothing keeping him in New York now. If he was going to do this, he needed to do it properly. He would start putting things in motion, to leave. He'd probably go back home to London. He hadn't really thought about it. He didn't really care right now, about anything. Not his life, certainly. All he cared about was Karen. The girl whose heart he had just ripped apart.

He couldn't believe he'd never get to hold her again. Smell her scent. Feel her lips on his skin. This was his punishment. It was the least he deserved.

* * *

Julia couldn't believe it. Ana had called to tell her, and at first she thought it was a joke. She was so angry. What the hell was he playing at?! Derek had thrown away everything, and for what? Because he couldn't keep it in his pants?! He'd never find a better girl than Karen. After everything that poor girl had gone through, now she had to deal with this.

A part of Julia felt guilty. Those months when Karen was back in Iowa, recovering from the trauma of what happened, it was her who had put things in motion for Karen to come back to New York. Back to Derek. She knew how much they both loved each other, and she hoped they could have the fairytale happy ending. When Karen finally did come back, she was so happy for them both. They were both so good for each other.

She thought of Karen. She didn't need another trauma in her life, and this would hit her hard. Derek was her rock, and he'd destroyed everything. She needed to speak to Derek. She needed some answers!

* * *

Derek hadn't moved from the window for hours. he was suddenly roused by the sound of the buzzer. He ignored it. He didn't want to speak to anyone right now. It buzzed again. And again. It wouldn't bloody stop buzzing.

He eventually angrily made his way to the buzzer. "Yes?!" He practically shouted.

"Derek, it's Julia. Let me in will you?"

"Julia, bugger off."

"Derek just let me in. I'm not leaving until you speak to me."

"Fine!" He opened his apartment door, then headed to the kitchen, and poured himself a large scotch. He was emotionally spent.

He heard Julia come in and walk up behind him and turned around to face her.

*SLAP*

"Jesus Christ Julia!" he shouted, moving his hand to his face where Julia had just walloped him.

"You bastard Derek! What the hell are you playing at?! Ana told me what you did. What you did to Karen."

"It's none of your business" Derek responded.

"Like hell it isn't! I care about Karen like a little sister. And Jesus, I care about you too Derek. How about some answers?"

"There's nothing to say. I just, I just couldn't help myself."

"Bullshit! You could help yourself, and you know why? Because that was the old Derek. The new Derek is the Derek who found true love with Karen, and would never cheat on her. Well, at least that's what I thought!"

"Yeah well you thought wrong ... now if you'll excuse me I'm ..."

"I'm not going anywhere Derek, until you explain yourself."

"Jesus Christ Julia. Quit with the high and mighty saintly act already. Have you conveniently forgotten your own past indiscretions? You know, the ones that destroyed your marriage! You're the last person I need a lecture from Julia. Give me a break, Jesus."

"You know what, you're right. I hurt so many people, and I've paid a price for that. But at least with Michael Swift, I loved him. I still do. It was love that made me do it. But this! Karen's the girl you love. I refuse to believe anyone else has your heart."

Derek could feel his throat getting tight, just thinking about Karen. Tears started to form. "Karen's the only girl I'll ever love. I, I just made a mistake, that's all."

"That's all?! Come on Derek, there's more to it than that. What is it?!"

"Just stop bloody pushing me will you" he shouted. Suddenly a searing pain shot through his head, and he instinctively grabbed at it, crying out in pain. He felt so dizzy, like he might fall.

"Derek, god are you okay?" Julia said suddenly, concern in her voice. Derek felt her grab him and help him down onto the sofa. He couldn't focus on anything, the pain was too bad. Julia went to get him a water. 10 or so minutes later the pain subsided a little bit, and Derek was able to focus again. He looked over to Julia.

"Derek, are you sick?"

The emotion of everything, the cancer, Karen, suddenly overwhelmed him, and he began sobbing. He felt Julia rub his arms, comforting him. "I've made such a mess of things" he cried.

"We'll then let's try and fix it."

He eventually calmed down, and looked over at Julia again. "I've got cancer Julia. Brain cancer. A bloody great big tumor is growing in my head!" God it was a relief to tell someone.

"Oh Derek" was all Julia managed. She was in shock. "And you haven't told Karen?"

He shook his head. "I can't put her through it Julia. I can't. I won't. I don't want her to have to go through what my own mum when through when my dad died. It was horrible. There's no guarantees I'll get through this ... I thought, if I let Karen go now, it'll hurt like hell I know, but it's better for her than the alternative."

"Oh my god Derek." The realisation suddenly hit Julia. "You slept with another woman ... so Karen would leave you?! Jesus, do you know how crazy that is?!"

"It was the only way I could guarantee her leaving me. I knew if I cheated and she caught me, then that would be it."

Julia shook her head, as if she couldn't take any of it in. "Who was she? The other woman?"

"A lady from the escort agency I used to call from time to time ... back in the dark days."

"Jesus Derek!"

"I didn't sleep with her though Julia."

"What?"

"I didn't sleep with her. I promise you I didn't. I couldn't do that to Karen. She was happy to help me out. We just lay in bed until Karen arrived."

"So, so you just made Karen think you slept with her instead?! Oh my god Derek, can you hear yourself?! Do you realise how crazy and twisted this all is?! You need to tell Karen. She needs to know. She should know. She'd want to be there for you. Explain everything to her Derek."

"No, no, I can't! This is for the best. And please don't tell her Julia. This isn't yours to tell."

"You can't ask me to keep this from her."

"I'm not asking Julia, I'm telling. This isn't your news to tell. Please! I know I've hurt Karen. It breaks my heart what I've done to her. But I'm thinking about her here. She'll get through it, I know she will."

"She's distraught Derek. Distraught because for the 2nd time in her life, the love of her life has cheated on her. I'm not sure she'll get over this so easily. Did you even think about the effect this will have on her when it comes to ever trusting another man again?! Do you realise everything you ever had together, the love you had, have, for each other, will forever be tainted in her mind now?!"

He shook his head.

"And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Derek, you can't go through this alone. You need to think of yourself too. This isn't just about Karen. You deserve support too. You need support. Please tell her Derek."

"No. It's done. It's for the best."

He suddenly broke down again. Finally talking to someone about this made it all so real.

"I'm scared Julia. I wish I could hold her in my arms again, and have her tell me everything will be okay."

"You can Derek, you can still do that."

"No, it's done Julia. I've told you, it's done."

He began to sob and Julia pulled him into a tight embrace. Cancer. She couldn't believe it! She was so torn. She would be there for both Derek and Karen. She had to be. But keeping this news from Karen, she knew it was a betrayal. Karen should know. But Derek was right. It wasn't for her to tell. She'd need to find another way. Another way to make this right. She wasn't giving up on the happy ending.


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Thanks for continuing to read guys, and for all your reviews. Really appreciate it as always. I'm sorry this story is so depressing and I can't promise it doesn't get worse before maybe getting better, lol! I know from the reviews you all think Derek just needs to tell Karen the truth. I think so too, it's frustrating! But I kinda felt that Derek acting the way he is fits his stubborn personality, and it is consistent with the love he has for Karen and his need to protect her after coming so close to losing her in 'The Love I Meant To Say'. I hope you keep reading. Some good stuff coming up!**

* * *

It had been a week since Karen had found Derek in bed with another woman, and she wasn't much better now than she was when she first found out. She was almost inconsolable. She thought she had a broken heart when Dev had cheated on her, but it was nothing to the desolation she was feeling now. She needed to know why, but she hadn't been able to speak to him. It would have hurt too much.

Derek hadn't attempted to contact her. It was this that tore away at her the most. Did she mean so little to him? Wasn't he even going to fight for her?! She knew he knew she wouldn't ever tolerate being cheated on again, but she at least thought he'd try and explain. Apologise. Do something!

Her sorrow had also morphed into anger. Anger at Derek for treating her like this. It had taken a lot for her to trust a man like him, with his reputation, but he'd told her he was a different person when he was with her her. He was different. She'd trusted him implicitly, but he'd betrayed her. She felt like such a fool.

Ana had gone to the apartment when Derek was out to pick up a suitcase of clothes for her. She'd need to go back eventually to remove her life from that place, but that was for another day. As was always the case in the incestuousness of Broadway, news had travelled fast that Karen and Derek had broken up. It had hit all the gossip sites, and commenters were speculating the cause of it. Most reckoned her growing 'friendship' with Josh was the reason. Karen didn't refute the gossip. She refused to turn this into a media circus. She knew the truth and that's all that mattered. She simply put a statement out through her manager stating that her and Derek were no longer together.

Karen's performances of 'Greed' had been suffering this past week. She just couldn't concentrate. She found her mind wandering during her performances, and had even missed her cue on a few occasions. Josh and her fellow cast mates had been doing their best to cheer her up, and had been trying to get her to go out with them for some after show drinks. She'd refused each time, preferring to just go back to Ana's where she'd cry herself to sleep.

She'd been persuaded, however, to go to the party after tonight's show for Gloria, one of 'Greed's' main actors. It was her final performance as she'd just got a part in a new tv pilot.

"Come on Cartwright" Josh had said. "I'll even buy you a Piña Colada if you come!"

"Well with an offer like that how can I refuse!" Karen had laughed. Josh had been a bit of a rock to her this last week and she was so grateful for his support.

The party was at Bar Centro, and when she arrived Karen headed straight for the bar. She was already 3 drinks in, lost in her own thoughts, when she saw a Piña Colada, complete with cocktail umbrella, being pushed in front of her. She smiled, and looked over to Josh, who was moving to sit next to her.

"You're such a loser" she joked.

"You're telling me! I've just lost 99 per cent of my street cred ordering that!" he laughed. "So how are you doing my sweet?"

"Okay, I guess. Alcohol is helping" she smiled. "You know what, I think I'm going to head home. I'm at that dangerous level where one more drink might push me over the edge!"

"That poor Piña Colada. What did it ever do to you?!" joked Josh.

Karen laughed, and slid herself off the stool. "Night Josh, see you tomorrow."

"Woah, you're not walking home by yourself. I'll walk you back. Come on!"

They said their goodbyes to Gloria, and headed out into the chill air, arm in arm. Karen instinctively rested her head on Josh's shoulder for support. It wasn't long before they were at Ana's. Josh walked her up to the door.

"Here you are Cartwright. Home safe and sound. Sleep well okay? See you tomorrow gorgeous" he winked, kissing her on the cheek. He moved to turn away.

"You want a drink? Ana's out and I could do with the company." She didn't want to be alone right now.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea" Josh said.

"Says who?" said Karen, pulling Josh inside the apartment. They sat for an hour or so on the sofa, beers in hand, talking about anything but Derek. Karen looked at the guy sitting next to her, joking away, taking her mind off things, and smiled. He really was a catch. He played up to his playboy image, but she was sure he was just waiting for the right girl. She still thought Ana and he would make a great match, but Ana had heard too much of the bad stuff to even go there! He really was gorgeous.

Karen found herself laughing at another one of Josh's jokes. "Thanks Josh" she said. "You really are a great friend."

"That pesky word 'friend' again" he mock joked, rolling his eyes, then smiled.

"Well friends can still do this" said Karen, moving in to kiss him tenderly on the cheek. As she pulled away from him they locked eyes on each other.

"Are they also allowed to do this?" said Josh. He reached out to cup Karen's chin, and slowly leaned in, placing a soft kiss on her lips. He pulled away and looked at her again, expectantly.

"I guess they are!" was all she managed, before she leaned in herself, capturing his lips, more passionately, more forcefully this time.

"Holy crap Cartwright!" Josh gasped, after they came up for air.

"Just quit talking already" Karen smirked, locking his lips again with hers, her tongue tangling with his own. She swung her leg over until she was straddling him. Her desire was overwhelming her, and she needed him now. She was feeling a little out of control, but she didn't care. She needed to feel his touch. She wanted him, and he clearly wanted her. Derek could go screw himself for all she cared!

"You wanna take this into the bedroom?" Karen gasped after a while.

"Thought you'd never ask" smiled Josh. He rolled Karen off him, and then lifted her in a fireman's lift, and carried her laughing into the bedroom. He laid her on the bed and she immediately began tugging away at his clothes, unbuttoning his shirt, and unzipping his pants. She stroked him and she heard him moan as she felt him harden instantly. "God Karen" he gasped. He lifted her top over her head and released the clasp on her bra, deftly removing it from her. He ran his fingers down her chest and sensuously started licking and sucking her breasts, until Karen was moaning herself with desire.

"Jesus Josh!" She was so aroused. They removed the rest of each others clothing until they were naked, no more barriers between them. They were placing kisses anywhere they could find. He knew how to pleasure a woman, that's for sure. But he wasn't Derek. His touch was different. His kisses were different. She tried to empty her mind. She didn't want to be thinking about him right now. Why was he always on her mind! Josh was moving into position on top of her, when the reality of this situation suddenly hit her. Was this really what she wanted? Was this just revenge sex?

Josh was placing kisses all down her neck when she opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Josh?"

"I thought you didn't want to talk?" he managed, leaning into to kiss her again.

"Josh, stop!" She pushed at his chest, creating a barrier between them. "... I'm so sorry. I, I can't do this. I'm so sorry." The tears were beginning to well up inside her.

Josh stopped kissing her. He was breathing heavily. A look of concern crossed his face as he looked into her eyes and he quickly he rolled off her, landing on a heap next to her, both of them lying on their backs, sucking in air.

"It's okay" he said, after a while, reaching out to take her hand. "I understand. You still love him, I get that. Despite what he's done."

She felt terrible. Why did he have to be so nice. She couldn't help herself as she started sobbing. "I'm sorry Josh. I'm a mess. I don't know why I'm pining over such a lousy human being."

"Hey come here" he said, moving towards her again and wrapping her in his arms, holding her tightly. He moved to pull the bed sheets over them. "You just let it all out Cartwright. I'm here for you, okay?"

She nodded gently. "Some girl's going to be very lucky to snag you one day you know" she said after a while.

"I know" he grinned, gently stroking her hair. "Hey! I still get to tell people we got naked together don't I?!" he joked after a while.

"NO! she laughed. "No more fuel please!"

She rested her head on his chest. They were still naked but she didn't care. She needed to be in his comforting embrace right now.

* * *

"So you're honestly telling me you didn't have the sex?!" Ana said disbelievingly. She was having breakfast the next morning when Karen and Josh had sheepishly emerged from her bedroom. Josh had given Karen a quick peck on the cheek, and with a "chin up Cartwright. I'll see you later" and had made his way out.

"I promise you, we didn't sleep together! We came so close though, oh my god. I don't know what I was thinking Ana." She shook her head. "My head was a mess. I think I was trying to get back at Derek but when it came to it, I couldn't do it. It was like I was cheating on him. I know that's ridic after what's happened."

"No it's not ridiculous girl. You can't just switch off your feelings."

"Josh was so good about it you know. He really is a great guy Ana. You should give him a chance. Go out with him! And I've seen his body girl ... hottttttt!" she teased.

Ana smiled. "We'll see!" she laughed. "Have you heard from Derek?"

Karen shook her head. "I know he hasn't contacted me but, I still need to know why. I need to know what was going on in his head. I can't move on until ..." She started to cry again. "I'm sorry" she sniffed. "I just can't stop bloody crying!"

"You cry as much as need to girl" Ana said, giving her friend a hug. "It's going to take time."

She nodded. "I'll go over later. I need to pick up some stuff anyway. If he's there well, then I guess he has to talk to me right?"

"You want me to come with you?"

"No I'm good thanks. I think I need to do this myself."

* * *

Her heart was beating so loudly as she stepped into the elevator. She hadn't let Derek know she was coming. She'd made this journey hundreds of times before, but why did it suddenly feel so alien to her? "Hold yourself together girl!" she told herself, as the elevator reached the top floor. She placed her card in the lock and it opened instantly. Part of her thought he might have changed the locks. She slowly creaked open the door.

"Hello?" she called out. No answer. "Hello?" Nothing. She was actually a little relieved. She still wasn't sure if she could handle seeing him. She walked into the living area and gasped at the sight before her. There were boxes everywhere. Derek was packing up, moving out it seemed. She saw a couple of boxes with her name in large print written on them, and shook her head, feeling her heart start to beat faster. If ever she needed proof it was over, this was it. Her belongings, evidence of their life together, shoved away in 2 boxes, alongside a box full of kitchen crockery. It was like he was eradicating her existence.

She was standing amongst the boxes, frozen in thought, when she saw something glinting on the sofa. She made her way over and realised it was a silver picture frame. She turned it over and saw it was the photo Derek kept of the two of them on his bedside table. They were sitting together at the Seaport, smiling at the camera, Karen's head resting on Derek's shoulder. God, they looked so happy. They were so happy then. She couldn't believe it had gone from that to this. She collapsed onto the sofa, her tears starting to flow, dripping onto the glass frame. "Why Derek why?" she whispered.

"Karen!"

His voice startled her, and she jumped up, the picture flame slipping off her lap onto the cold hard floor, glass smashing into hundreds of pieces. She looked up and saw him, standing there in the doorway, staring at her, a look of shock on his face. He didn't look well. He hadn't shaved in days and his hair was all over the place

"Wh ... what are you doing here?" was all he managed.

Karen furiously wiped away her tears and tried to compose herself. She sure as hell didn't want him to see her crying.

"I just came to get some more of my things ... but I see you've already seen to that" she said bitterly.

He moved closer towards her until they were only a few feet apart. "I'm, I'm moving out."

"I see that."

"I was going to get the boxes to you. Have them sent over before I left."

"Where are you going?"

"Back to London" he said. "In a few weeks. I'm just finalising things over here first. My life here in New York is over ... Karen, about what happened ..."

"Why Derek? That's all I want to know. Why?!" She shook her head, willing herself to hold it together. She looked him square in the eyes. She could see his eyes glistening.

"I, I did it because I could. Because I'm Derek Wills, and that's what I do. I treat women like objects. I always have, always will. I was stressed and we were going through a bad patch, and she was an easy lay. No strings."

"That's not the Derek Wills I fell in love with. The Derek I know wouldn't do that. I thought you loved me?"

"I do love you" he whispered. "You have no idea how being in love with a girl like you can make someone do crazy things."

"That makes no sense! Loving me drove you to shagging another woman?!" The tears were starting to pour from Karen again. She couldn't help herself.

"Was that the only time?"

"Yes"

"Do ... do you love her?"

"God no Karen, no! She didn't mean anything to me."

"That just makes it worse Derek!" Karen found herself shouting. "That you'd throw away everything we had on someone who means nothing to you. At least if you cared for ..." She shook her head, unable to finish the sentence.

"Why haven't you called me. Told me you're sorry. I haven't heard a thing."

"Because I know it's over. I don't want to make it any more difficult for you by me begging you to take me back."

"Wow that's good of you" she said sarcastically.

She looked at the man before him, standing amidst the boxes that only a week ago contained their home. He home they had made together. He seemed so broken. She wished she could be more angry, but all she really felt was pain, sorrow. A part of her wanted to hold him ... just one more time. Feel his touch on her skin. She knew this was irrational after what he'd done.

"We could have been something special together Derek. You and me. I hope it was at least a good shag!"

She unsteadily walked past him, a mere few centimetres from him as she passed by. She had to stop herself reaching out and touching him. "Goodbye Derek. Please have my stuff sent to Ana's."

She almost ran to the elevator. He didn't follow. As the doors closed on them forever she slid down to the floor, her head in hands, sobbing. She wasn't sure she knew how to live without him.


	13. Chapter 13

"Hey, where the hell have you been? Show's starting in 45 mins Karen. Cutting it fine! Maria's prepping to stand in for you."

"I'm fine Josh, I've got time."

"Barely!"

"Will you quit bugging me already, for Christs sake Josh! ... Look I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. It's just been a shitty day that's all." She smiled at him reassuringly.

"Waking up with me being the start of it I guess."

"No, that was the only good bit" she said softly, sincerely, kissing him on the cheek.

His heart melted at the sight of her. He adored her, he really did. He'd been playfully flirting with her knowing that it didn't really mean anything. She was too committed to Derek. He acted like it was just a big joke, but the truth was, he'd fallen for her. How could he not. She was gorgeous, fun, kind, and she got his bad jokes! Last night he couldn't help himself. He knew he shouldn't, that Karen was on the rebound, but his desire for her overtook all rational thoughts. But when he'd seen how upset she was, all he wanted to do was hold her tight. Derek was an idiot to let someone like her go. Josh sighed regretfully. If he couldn't have her romantically, he was at least grateful to have her as a friend.

She'd been crying, and judging by her puffy red eyes and tear stained face, crying for a long time. "What happened?"

"I saw Derek ... you know what, I don't really want to talk about it Josh. I've got to go get ready."

"Okay. You sure you're okay to go on? You could do with a rest Cartwright! No one will blame you."

"I'm fine, honestly" she smiled.

He watched her leave for her dressing room, full of concern for her. She really shouldn't be going on tonight. She'd been completely off the pace all week, the stress of her broken down relationship taking its toll. She refused to have a break though, saying the show was the only thing making her sane.

"You do realise you play a woman who goes crazy from greed right?" he'd laughed.

"Hey Josh!"

He was stirred from his thoughts and looked up to see Julia walking up to the stage.

"What, they let any old riff raff in these days?" he joked. "Hi Julia."

"Hi gorgeous! I'm looking for Karen."

"She's just gone to the dressing room. Running late. I'm worried about her, not gonna lie."

"You really care about her don't you?"

"Is that wrong?"

"No, course not" she laughed. "But you know, Karen's pretty fragile right now. What she thinks she wants isn't necessarily what she really wants, you know?!"

Josh smiled, knowingly. "I didn't sleep with her Julia if that's what you're insinuating, and you should know better than to believe the rubbish that those gossip sites write. They've put 2 and 2 together and made 5. ... you know what gets me?"

"What?"

"Derek's a good for nothing who cheats on Karen, and yet he's the one being painted as the victim here. Even I'm getting a free ride relatively speaking. Yet Karen's the apparent slut who cheated on her boyfriend with me. I don't get why she doesn't say anything to refute the crap they write."

"Because that's not her style" smiled Julia. "And you know, things aren't always the way they seem."

"You're being very cryptic today Julia" Josh laughed. "You wanna go see Karen?"

"It's okay, if she's rushing I don't want to disturb her. I've got a ticket for tonight anyway, so will catch up with her afterwards" she said. "Not seen the show in ages, and I've missed yours and Karen's gorgeous voices!"

"Don't make me blush" he teased. "Come on, I'll introduce you to some of our team here" he said, leading her off the main stage and into the wings.

* * *

He should have gone after her. One lie after another. He'd told so many recently he didn't know what the truth was anymore.

His thoughts were disturbed by the buzzing of his phone. Unknown caller.

"Hello?" he snapped.

"Mr Derek Wills, always a pleasure."

"Riedel! The pleasure is all yours I'm sure."

"Look, I'll cut to the chase Derek. I'm running a story in the morning about Josh Jennings and Karen. Wondered if you wanted to say something, for the record?"

"Karen and Josh? What are you talking about?"

"Guess you've not been keeping up with today's gossip. Broadway Spotted posted a bunch of photos on their site of Karen and Josh arm in arm last night looking very, might I say, cosy together, and more pics of him leaving hers in the morning ...in the same attire! They're quite the gorgeous couple Derek!"

"What?!" He was reeling. Karen and Josh? He knew he had no rights to her anymore, but it didn't make the thought of her with him hurt any less.

"I just thought you'd want to make an official comment."

"Yeah here's my comment - leave Karen alone! Last thing she needs is you and your poisonous column shitting all over her."

"You're being very magnanimous for the guy whose girlfriend just cheated on him with Broadway's hottest young actor!"

Derek could hear the smug glee in his voice. "Look you scheming little weasel. You want something juicy to write, ON THE RECORD?! Well how about this. Karen didn't cheat on me. It was me who cheated on her, with a call girl. And you wanna know why I did it? I did it because I'm Derek Wills and I don't know a good thing when I've got it. So quote me on that you little shit. Do your worse. But leave Karen the f*ck out of it!"

He hung up and slammed the phone down on the table ... Karen and Josh! He guessed this was his punishment. He walked over to where the frame lay shattered on the floor, and picked out the photo. He couldn't believe how his life had gone from pure happiness to this. He carefully folded the photo and placed it in his wallet. He might have cut her loose, but he couldn't let her go entirely.

* * *

It quickly became evident to Julia that Karen was off her game. They were only on the 3rd number, and she'd already missed a couple of cues and fluffed some lyrics. And then, just as she picked it back up and wowed the audience with her first big solo, she missed her mark completely, taking a wrong step as she moved to walk down the steps of the elaborate staircase set required for the performance. Julia gasped in horror as she saw Karen's foot give way from under her. There was nothing to hold onto, and she went tumbling down about 10 steps, landing with a sickening crunch at the bottom.

The audience was stunned into a shocked, horrified silence, as Julia raced to the stage. By the time she got there Josh and some of the stage crew were already attending to her. Karen was lying prostrate on the cold hard stage, unconscious, blood seeping from a deep gash in her head.

"Someone call for help!" She could hear the panic in Josh's voice.

"Josh?!" Julia said soothingly "don't move her, but check she's breathing."

He felt her pulse. "Yeah she's breathing, but barely."

"Okay good." said Julia, moving to Karen's side, and taking control.

"Karen sweetie? Karen? Can you hear me? its Julia." She didn't move. "Can someone get me a clean towel please? Something to press against her head.

Julia was starting to panic herself. She couldn't believe this was happening again. "Karen, you stay strong, you hear me?! We're getting help." Karen's pulse was weak. Julia held the towel against her head, stemming the bleeding, stroking the hair away from her face with her other hand, and rubbing her thumb across her cheek. "Please hold on sweetie" she pleaded.

She looked over at Josh on the other side of her. He was holding Karen's hand, tears flowing, struggling to hold it together. He really did care for her, that much was obvious to Julia.

After what seemed like an age the paramedics arrived, and she moved away to let them work on Karen. She took Josh's hand and squeezed it hard. "She'll be okay you'll see. She's a fighter this girl."

"I know" she heard him say.

The paramedics carefully braced her, before placing her on a backboard and and lifting her onto the stretcher. They then intubated her to assist her breathing. She was struggling to do it on her own, much to Julia's concern.

"We're taking her now to NY General" said one of the paramedics eventually. "Do you want to come with her in the ambulance?" he said, looking at Josh and Julia.

"Yes, please."

The hospital was only a short ride away, and once there Karen was quickly whisked away to the ER whilst Julia and Josh were led quietly to the waiting area. They sat for a long time, not speaking, still in shock at what had just happened.

"It's his fault ... Derek's" Josh said bitterly after a while.

"What do you mean?"

"She went to see him today. I don't know what he said to her, but she was all over the place during the show. She wouldn't have fallen if she was concentrating. If her mind wasn't so messed up by what he did to her!"

"Come on Josh. It was an accident. We all saw it!"

"It shouldn't have happened and you know it! If Karen had been on it, it wouldn't have."

"Josh I know you're upset, but let's just concentrate on being strong for Karen right now, okay?"

"Okay" he whispered, burying his head in his hands.

"Will you stay here in case the doctor comes. I'll go and call her parents and Ana" said Julia, "and then get us some lovely machine coffee!"

Her unenviable task completed, Julia picked up her phone again. She knew she needed to make one more call.

"Derek? It's Julia. It's about Karen ... there's been an accident."

* * *

"Where is she?! How is she?! What the hell happened?!" Derek practically shouted as he came running into the waiting room 20 minutes later.

Josh immediately bolted out of his seat. "Is this a joke? You've got to be f*cking kidding me!"

"Julia, how is she?" he implored, ignoring Josh completely.

"We don't know yet. She fell down the stairs during "Fight the Urge" and took a pretty big blow to the head. She was still unconscious when the paramedics brought her in. The docs are with her now, stabilising her and doing some tests."

"Has she woken up yet?"

"I don't know."

Derek was pacing, and Julia moved to take his arm. "Derek, calm yourself. You're no good to anyone like this. Sit down and try and calm down, okay?"

"He can f*ck off, that's what he can do" shouted Josh. "This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for you, you cheating rat."

"Just stay out of this Josh, it's none of your business."

"Yeah it is my business when it affects one of my best friends. You broke her heart Derek!"

"Oh and I see you wasted no time in helping her mend it!"

Josh just laughed. "You're pathetic, you know that?! And you want the truth? ... Okay, yeah, I would have slept with her given the chance, because I care more for her than you know. But I didn't, and you wanna know why? Because Karen stopped it. Apparently she's still in love with the man who cheated on her. You don't deserve her, you never did!"

"You didn't sleep with her?" Derek said quietly. It shouldn't matter to him but it did.

"No. But we did spend the night together ... naked" he smirked. "Tit for tat Derek."

"Why you little fu ..."

"OKAY ENOUGH, ENOUGH, BOTH OF YOU!" Julia screamed, rushing to intervene as Derek and Josh lunged at each other. Can you two see yourself right now! Karen would be embarrassed. Now just sit down both of you, and either shut up or get out!"

"Karen Cartwright?"

They span around to see a doctor entering the room, giving nothing away?

"How is she doctor?!"


	14. Chapter 14

"My name is Doctor Connor. I've been looking after Miss Cartwright."

"How is she?" they all asked, practically in unison.

"Miss Cartwright has suffered a number of injuries from her fall. A broken collarbone, some broken ribs and severe bruising. She's also suffered a contusion to the brain ..."

"Contusion?" Josh asked, concerned.

"Effectively a bruise to the brain, as a result of the impact of the fall. The good news is that Miss Cartwright's responding to stimulus. She hasn't fully regained consciousness yet but she is responsive which is encouraging. Our scans have shown bruising but no extensive bleeding."

"So she's going to be okay?" Josh asked hopefully.

It's too soon to say for the sure, but the early signs are good. However, we want to keep her in intensive care for the next day or so to monitor her, to check for any swelling to the brain."

"Is she going to require any surgery?" Julia gripped Derek's hand tightly.

"No, but we can't rule it out depending on how Miss Cartwright responds in the next day or so. The reason we want to keep a close eye on her is to check that the bruising to her brain doesn't cause bleeding or swelling. A build up of pressure in the head can be very serious and should that happen surgery may be required."

"Thank you doctor" said Julia. "Can we see her?"

"We're keeping her sedated at the moment, but yes of course you can go in and see her, although please only one at a time. And please don't be alarmed by her appearance. She is attached to numerous machines and tubes, but that's all just to help us monitor her condition. She's breathing on her own which is good, but she does have an oxygen mask on to assist her."

"Thank you" Josh said quietly.

"The nurse will be in shortly to take you to see her, okay?"

He made his way out, leaving Julia, Josh and Derek standing there, relieved that her injuries were not worse, but concerned that she wasn't out of danger yet. Julia walked over to Josh and enveloped him in a big hug. "See, she's going to be okay. She's gotten through worse than this."

He nodded tearfully. "I hope so."

Derek was finding it hard to control his emotions. His first emotion was relief, followed by a natural concern for her. She was still badly hurt, with broken bones and an injury to her brain, and he knew it would take time for her to heal. But his overwhelming emotion was guilt. Josh had accused him of causing the accident, and deep down he knew he was right. He'd seen the state Karen was in when she'd left his apartment earlier today. If he'd been directing her he'd never have let her go on stage. He sat back down and buried his head in his hands. He'd made such a mess of things, he wasn't sure he knew if he could fix them anymore.

He'd been trying to protect her, but he'd only succeeded in hurting her in so many more ways. Julia was right, how could she ever trust another man again? He hadn't thought about that. And now he was the reason she was lying in a hospital bed again. It was only two or so years since she'd been lying in this very same hospital fighting for her life. Back then it was because she took a bullet meant for him. He'd promised her he'd protect her, but he'd failed her. It had haunted him ever since and he'd made a vow that if he got another chance with her he wouldn't let her down again. But now he'd failed her again.

"Derek? Derek?"

He looked up to see Julia next to him. She gripped his hand tightly and rubbed his arm. "How are you doing sweetheart? You should get some rest yourself, you look terrible!"

"I need to see her Julia ... I, I know I don't have any right to. I know I'm the last person she probably wants near her right now. But, but I need to. I need to tell her I'm sorry, for everything."

"Derek, you can still make this right you know. Just tell Karen the truth. She'll understand if you tell her now, and you know what, she's so strong, you'll get through this together. Right now, you think you're helping her but really all you're doing is destroying two lives. Yours and hers."

"I don't care about my life anymore."

"Yes you do, I know you do."

"But the only life that's really mattered to me is the one I've shared with Karen.

"Then fight for that then Derek. It isn't too late" she pleaded. "What do you think Karen will say when she finds out the truth? Because she will eventually."

"She'll understand."

"I'm not so sure she will ... you know, I never had you down for being a coward Derek, and I bet Karen didn't either."

"A coward?!" Derek suddenly exploded. "That's what you think I am?! You don't understand a bloody thing of what I'm going through Julia."

"Maybe not but I know this is the easiest way out! Lying! Taking the decision out of Karen's hands. look Derek, I know it must be scary for you to admit your illness to her, to make yourself so vulnerable to the woman you love, to let her take care of you for a change and everything that that might entail. But just because it terrifies you, that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. You know what Ghandi once said? 'Fear has its use but cowardice has none' - I've always thought he was a pretty wise fella."

"Like I said Julia, you don't understand a thing about this!"

"Hey!"

They both looked up to see Josh standing in front of them. The nurse had taken him to see Karen first.

"How's my girl doing?" she asked tenderly.

His face crumpled and Julia immediately got up and hugged him. "I feel so helpless Julia. She looks so helpless."

"I know, but you heard the doctor. They're hopeful Karen will make a full recovery. We've just got to be strong for her right now, okay?"

"I know ... you should go into counselling you know" he laughed after a while.

Julia looked over at Derek. "Derek, why don't you go in now?"

"No way, are you kidding me?!" shouted Josh, suddenly releasing himself from Julia's embrace. "You're the last person who needs to see her right now."

Julia grabbed his arm, trying to pacify him. "Josh, calm down."

"I'll calm down when Derek gets the hell out of here. I don't even understand why he's here now.

"Look, I promise you Josh" Derek said, "after today, you and Karen will never have to see me again. But please, I have to see her just one more time."

"Josh" Julia said quietly.

"Fine, and it's only because I know that Karen would kick my butt if she she found out you were here and I'd stopped you."

Derek couldn't help but smile.

"Thank you" he said quietly, slowly making his way out.

* * *

The room was dimly lit, with only the sound of the monitors whirring and beeping away for comfort. Karen was lying in bed, an oxygen mask over her face, sleeping. Despite what the doctor said he wasn't prepared for how she was going to look. Her head was heavily bandaged from the fall, and her face and arms were scattered with large deep bruises. She looked so vulnerable. He wished he could take her in his arms, look after her, and be the one to make her better. But he knew that wasn't his job anymore.

He slowly made his way to the side of her bed and sat down. Just seeing her was too much, and he broke down sobbing. He took her hand and kissed it. "I'm sorry Karen, I'm so sorry."

After a while he calmed, and he sat looking at her, tenderly stroking her cheek with his thumb, the way he always used to when they were together.

"Do you remember when we went on holiday to England last year, and I introduced you to my mum. I was so terrified. Not that she wouldn't like you, but that she'd like you too much. You see, I've never let anyone get close to me before. It was always easiest that way. With you, you're the first and only girl I've opened my heart up to. And do you know what, of course my mum loved you. I never told you this but just before we left she said to me 'don't let this girl go Derek. Whatever happens.' And I promised her I wouldn't, because of course I had no intention of ever letting you go ... I'm so sorry I couldn't keep that promise Karen. I hope mum will be able to forgive me. I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me." His mind went back to his conversation with Julia. "I hope one day you'll understand."

He leaned over and gently, tenderly, kissed her forehead, savouring her touch for the last time. She looked so peaceful lying there. He hoped she'd find peace without him. "I love you always" he whispered. He got up quickly and walked away from her, and didn't look back. He couldn't. The pain would be too much to bear.

His mind was in a daze as he made his way towards the exit.

"So that's it?"

He spun around to see Julia looking at him.

He smiled regretfully. "Goodbye Julia. Take care of her."


	15. Chapter 15

Her head was throbbing, and pain was coursing through her entire body. She felt like she'd, well, fallen down a flight of stairs! She slowly opened her eyes, and was greeted with the sight of Josh grinning back at her.

"Hey gorgeous!"

"I can't get rid of you can I?! she weakly laughed, "and I'm pretty sure I'm anything but gorgeous right now!"

"Of course you are! That bump your head is perfect. Only the size of a melon now. Beautiful!"

Karen laughed and pain immediately shot through her body, causing her to grimace.

"Hey hey, just take it easy you. Stop laughing at my terrible jokes!" He smiled, leaning forward to kiss her on the forehead "... you're looking so much better Cartwright. You'll be back annoying me again on stage in no time!"

It had been three days since Karen's accident, and the doctors were pleased with her progress, so much so that she was now out of ICU and in her own room. The medication they'd been pumping her with had kept the swelling in her brain at manageable levels, and they hadn't needed to operate, much to everyone's relief. She had spent the first couple of days drifting in and out of consciousness, a combination of her injury and the drugs used to sedate her. Today was the first time she was starting to feel herself again.

The accident itself was a blur. The last thing she remembered was being on stage performing, and then waking up in hospital. At first she was so confused. She thought she was dreaming, remembering back to the last time she was here, in this same hospital, but everything had now started to come back to her. Waking up naked in Josh's arms. Meeting with Derek. Feelings of utter desolation. Crying. A hell of a lot of crying!

Josh was the first person she'd seen when she awoke, and he'd been a frequent bedside companion ever since. She was so glad for his presence. He made her feel comfortable. She adored him. Ana and Julia had spent a lot of time with her too, and she was so grateful for their friendship at this time. She couldn't believe she'd scared them again.

The only person who hadn't been to see her was Derek. She wasn't surprised given how things were left between them, but a part of her was hurting at his rejection. She could have sworn he was there with her as she lay unconscious. She'd felt his presence, his comforting touch, but Julia had told her he'd left New York already.

"So that's that then" she'd said to Julia, tears forming.

"Sweetheart, listen to me. I know it didn't end well. I know it's going to hurt for a while yet, but please don't ever doubt that Derek loved you, still loves you. I'm sure of that. And I'm not just saying that because I pushed you two together!" she laughed. "Don't let what happened spoil the memory of the time you spent together, okay?"

"It's knowing that that makes it so much more difficult to accept though. If we'd drifted apart, fallen out of love ..."

"I know sweetie" Julia said softly, stroking her hair. "You're so strong now though. You're going to get through this like a trooper."

Karen nodded. She was physically and emotionally broken, but Julia was right. She was strong now. She would get through this. If she'd learnt anything these past few years it was that her life was precious. She'd once almost thrown that away. Derek had saved her back then. Now she needed to use the strength he gave to her to get over losing him. She was well aware of the irony.

"So! How's Maria getting on?" she asked Josh, still wincing in pain.

"Good, really good actually. I'd be worried if I were you Cartwright" he winked, eliciting another smile from Karen. "Don't fret though. Being here will give you a chance to catch up on all the gossip ... oh wait, it's all about you!" he joked.

"I'm up to date already" she laughed. "Bobby already filled me in!" Karen rolled her eyes in jest.

"Of course he did!" laughed Josh. " ... I could kill him for what he's done to you, but at least Derek made it clear that he's the bad guy in all of this, not you."

Karen smiled, but didn't say anything in response. Invariably her thoughts always seemed to go back to Derek. She couldn't help it, however hard she tried. She wondered where he was now. She wondered if he was thinking about her. She still didn't feel like she had the answers she needed, but maybe she just needed to accept she was never going to get them.

"So, I was thinking" Josh suddenly asked. "The docs have said you should be able to leave here in a few days, and you know next week is my vacation from 'Greed' - well, my parents have a lovely place by the sea in The Hamptons ... I was thinking I could take you there, to recuperate. Get away from all this madness. It's really beautiful there. A gorgeous breach to stroll along. The fresh sea air will do you a world of good. What do you say? ... No strings, just friends!" he added quickly, clearly nervous she would think he had ulterior motives.

Karen smiled and reached to take his hand. "I'd like that Josh, thank you."

"You would?" Josh's eyes lit up. "Great! We'll get you right as rain in no time" he winked. "You know, you scared me so much Karen. I thought I might lose you. I don't think you realise how important you are to me."

"You're important to me too" she replied, sincerely.

* * *

"Girl, are you sure you're up to doing this now? You should be resting!"

Ana and Karen were stood outside her old apartment, key card in hand.

"I'm fine Ana. I can get in and out without crying this time, I promise!" she smiled, squeezing her friend's hand reassuringly.

She'd been out of hospital a few days now. She was still sore all over, and had been suffering from headaches and dizzy spells, but she was slowly on the mend. Derek had left in such a hurry he hadn't arranged for her boxes to be sent to Ana's before he went. Karen had spoken to the doorman, and they were to arrange delivery, but he had said she was welcome to come and get some of her things in the meantime.

Karen took a deep breath and slowly opened the door. She knew Derek wasn't there, but she was still a bundle of nerves. The place was pretty much as it was the day of her accident. Wherever Derek had gone, he hadn't yet arranged for his boxes, any of his things, to follow. She walked over to where the photo frame still lay shattered on the floor, and carefully picked it up. Her breath caught as she flipped it over and realised the photo was missing.

"He took it" she said, not even realising she'd said it out loud.

"Took what?" Ana asked.

"Doesn't matter" she smiled. "Right, let's find my iPod. There's no way I can spend an entire week with Josh and his terrible music collection" she joked. "I need to get my little suitcase too. It's upstairs in our ... in the bedroom" she corrected herself. "Under the bed."

"I'll get it girl, these stairs are nightmare inducing and you're not going anywhere near them! You stay here."

She sprinted off up the stairs as Karen opened the first box, finding her iPod on top almost immediately. She slowly made her way to the window and looked out taking it all in. She'd miss this view. She'd miss the times spent with Derek, leaning on his shoulder, looking out on the city so small below them, planning their future together. She fought back the tears. She wasn't going to cry this time.

"Okay, got it!" said Ana, making her way down with Karen's purple case.

Karen span round, flashing her friend a grateful smile. "Thank you Ana."

"Shall we get going?" Ana asked.

"Yeah sounds like a plan." They started to make their way out.

"Wait girl, don't forget your pills."

"What pills?" Karen asked.

"Your bottle of Depakote. Here on the kitchen table."

"She picked up the bottle and handed it to Karen. They were exactly the same pills Karen had been prescribed by the doctors to help prevent migraines following her fall.

"Wait, they're not my pills ... what's Derek doing with Depakote?" Karen asked, confused.

"I don't know girl. He didn't have them when you were together?"

"No. Well, if he did, he never told me."

"Come on, let's get out of here. Josh is picking you up in a few hours and you haven't got anything sorted yet!"

Karen was deep in thought. Was Derek taking Depakote? If so, why, and why hadn't he told her?

"Karen?!"

"Sorry Ana, coming."

* * *

Derek tentatively knocked on the door. He wasn't sure how he was going to tell her. He hadn't thought that far in advance. But he knew he needed her right now. He heard footsteps, and the sound of locks being unfastened. Eventually the door creaked open.

"Derek!"

"Hi mum" he smiled.


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: Thanks everyone who is still reading & thank you for your reviews. I appreciate them as always! I know a few of you have said how the story is kind of too sad and heartbreaking right now, but I wanted to try and make it as realistic as possible (at least realistic for the characters I've have tried to create) and don't want to rush it just to get to the happier moments. Although with the subject matter please don't expect anything toooooo happy lol! I've also been thinking long and hard about how's this story is going to end. I've 2 scenarios in my head both of which are bittersweet. I just can't decide, although there's still a way to go yet! I hope you keep reading to find out. Thanks! :) **

* * *

"Oh wow Josh, this house is stunning"

"Thank you ... well, thank my parents" he laughed. "My dad bought it when mom got sick a few years ago. He thought the fresh sea air would help, and it really has.

Josh's mom had Parkinson's, and Karen knew it had hit him hard, seeing her health deteriorate in front of him. But she was doing well at the moment. His dad was a leading New York attorney, and the family had a huge apartment on the Upper East Side, this house in the Hamptons, as well as a villa in Cabo!

Josh was the youngest of three children, and the only one who hadn't followed his father into the legal profession. His siblings all had Ivy League educations but Josh had always wanted to be on Broadway and had gone to theater college instead, much to his father's disappointment. Karen admired him for not taking the path chosen for him and instead choosing to follow his dream, however unpredictable that was. He'd never used his privileged upbringing to help him get on in life. He'd always got by using his own natural talent and perseverance. He was close to his mom, but Karen sensed relations with his dad were a little more strained. He never really talked about it.

The house was made of white wood, with a grey slanted roof and a beautiful veranda that surrounded the entire house. It was located in a grassy enclave, just 50 metres or so from the sea, with wooden steps leading down from the house to the white sandy beach. It was perfect.

"So, will this do?" Josh asked, walking up behind Karen and putting his hands on her shoulders.

"I guess it'll have to!" she joked. "It truly is stunning Josh. Just what I needed, thanks again."

She turned to face him and leaned in and tenderly kissed his cheek, and he felt himself blushing at her touch. He wished she didn't make him feel this way. They were friends, and that was it.

"Ummm well, um why don't you go inside and rest. It's been a long drive. I'll bring all the stuff in."

"You sure?"

"Look, you're here to rest, and get well again. I don't want you lifting a finger okay?"

"Okay ... Thank you for this Josh."

He smiled at her. "Anything for you Cartwright."

* * *

"Oh sweetheart! Why didn't you tell me sooner?" she said, taking her son in her arms as he quietly sobbed.

"Because, after dad ..."

"Hey! I'm your mum, and this is my job okay? Don't ever think that your father's illness means you can't tell me things."

"I'm scared mum."

"I know you are. I am too sweetheart. But you have such strength of mind Derek. You're going to fight this okay. All the Way."

"Okay."

"And you've got Karen."

"Mum."

"How did she take the news?"

"Mum, listen! ... Karen doesn't know."

"What?!"

"She doesn't know about the cancer. I, I didn't tell her. I couldn't... We're not together anymore mum. She left me because she caught me ... in bed with another woman."

He shook his head as if he couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. He began to cry again.

"She's in hospital mum. She had a fall a week ago during her show and got hurt, and it's all my fault. It's all my fault!"

He broke down, inconsolable, as his mum took her son in her arms again.

"Shhhh Derek, it's okay darling, just let it all out. Let it all out."

* * *

Karen slowly made her way into the kitchen, where Josh was busy unpacking some groceries. It hurt to move, but in a funny way she didn't mind the pain. She smiled as she watched him humming to himself. His sandy hair was adorably messy. He was wearing a pair of scruffy jeans and an old faded blue t-shirt that showed off his not inconsiderable torso. He had piercing blue eyes ... it was no surprise he was Broadway's pin up boy.

"Hey!"

"Oh hey!" he said, spinning around and smiling at her. "I didn't hear you come in. Did you have a good sleep?"

"Great thanks. Can I steal the bed, it's amazing!" she laughed. "I don't know what it is, but I already feel so much more refreshed. You're right, it must be the sea air."

"Yeah, mom loves it here. She says it's a better medicine than the drugs she's on!"

Karen smiled. She always known Josh was a sweetheart, but there was so much more depth to him than she'd ever realised.

"You hungry? I made a trip to the store while you were resting. Stocked up for the week. I thought I could whip us up a light dinner. I've got prawns we can put on the grill outside."

"I'm starving." She couldn't help but grin.

"What's so funny Cartwright?" he smiled.

"Nothing! I don't know. Just you adding 'chef extraordinaire' to your list of talents!" she laughed ... "Derek tried, but he's a hopeless cook."

She saw a flash of disappointment cross his face and immediately regretted mentioning him.

"I'm sorry Josh. I'm sure you don't want to hear me talking about Derek."

"Hey! You talk about what you like okay. We're friends. You can talk to me about anything, you know that right?"

"I know, but ..."

"No buts! Now, there's a great swing chair on the porch. Why don't you sit there and watch the gorgeous sunset, while I work out how this goddamn barbecue works!" They both laughed.

"Deal."

She watched as the sky turned a glorious red. It was beautiful. For the first time since she'd walked in on Derek she felt a little bit of peace.

* * *

After he'd calmed, and his tears has dried, Derek told his mum everything. He was tired of lying. When he'd finished he couldn't even look at her. She'd gone very silent.

"Oh Derek" she said after a while ... "You bloody idiot! You're my son and I love you, but you don't half infuriate me sometimes! You're so bloody minded, just like your father was. You know, I've sat back and watched your career unfold, and all the success that you've had, and I've been so proud of you. But your private life. Your womanising ways. Well that was a different matter. I never approved, but I've always understood why. Why you'd never let anyone in. But then you found Karen, and I couldn't have been happier. This kind, lovely, gorgeous girl. I thought you'd finally dealt with your personal demons Derek. And then you pull this idiotic trick. What on earth were you thinking?!"

"What I was thinking mum, was that she's already been through enough. She almost died, or are you forgetting that?!"

"Of course not, but that was over 2 years ago Derek, and you know what?! You're the only one who can't seem to move on from it. Karen has. Why can't you?!"

"Because I made a promise to her, that I'd protect her, always."

"Oh Derek. Can't you see?! All Karen wants is for you to be there for her and love her. She doesn't expect superman. And you want to know another thing? You underestimate that girl and the strength that she has. The strength that will help her get through this ... with you! You're so stubborn Derek. It's always your way or the highway! ... That poor girl!" She shook her head.

"I've made such a mess of everything."

"We'll the good thing about messes is that you can clean them up. Derek listen to me. When we lost your father it damn well near destroyed me. He was the love of my life, just like Karen is to you. But those last years of struggle ... I wouldn't trade them for anything."

He looked up at her in surprise.

"That's right. I wouldn't trade them because we were happier then than we'd ever been. It brought us so close. We had each other, and nothing else mattered. You need Karen Derek, and she needs you. Don't throw it away because of some macho idea that you need to protect her, because let me tell you, she doesn't need protecting.

"It's too late mum" he said quietly.

"Rubbish!"

"I've made my choice. Please respect that."

"I can't. It doesn't make any sense, and I sure as hell am not going to let this go. You're too stubborn to admit that for once in your life you're wrong!"

"Mum, it's done. I've said my goodbyes. I said goodbye to Karen in the hospital. It's done, so just leave it please."

"No! I'm your mum, and I know what's best for you. So know, I'm not going to leave it."

A smile crept across his face as he thought back to the first time he'd introduced Karen to his mum. "I really like her" Karen had said to him afterwards. "I see so much of her in you. She knows what she wants. I hope she doesn't think I'm too much of a pushover for someone like you." "Are you kidding?! She probably thinks its the other way round, that I'm too much of a pushover for you!" He'd laughed.

"I'm going to go for a walk mum" he said, getting up, rubbing his temple. "I need some fresh air."

He slowly made his way out. His mind was was so full of thoughts he couldn't focus on any of them. Maybe his mum was right though. Maybe he had underestimated Karen's strength. He wondered where she was now, what she was doing. He hoped she was getting better.

* * *

"Wow, no need to give Gordon Ramsey a call! That was fantastic, thanks Josh."

They'd sat on the verandah, eating and chatting away, laughing. They had such easy banter, Karen felt so comfortable with him.

"No problem. I love cooking, but I never really get the chance to with our schedule."

"That and the fact that you're always out on the town, wooing some new girl!" winked Karen.

"We'll of course that as well" he grinned.

He cleared up the plates as Karen moved inside to sit on the sofa. After a while he joined her, and she moved to snuggle up next to him. She was exhausted.

"I've had a great day Josh, thank you. You're the best." she said, her eyes closing. She was asleep in no time.

"Me too" whispered Josh. He carefully lifted her so as not to wake her, and slowly carried her into the bedroom and onto the bed. He tucked her under the sheets and kissed her gently on the forehead. She was so beautiful. "Sleep well" he said, as he made his way out, shutting the door behind him. He was falling for her, however hard he tried to fight it.


	17. Chapter 17

It was Karen's last day in The Hamptons and she didn't want to leave. She felt a different person than when she'd arrived. Her injuries were healing well and each day she'd been gaining strength. She was still suffering from headaches, but the doctors had told her this was to be expected, and that they could last for weeks, even months.

She'd spent her days strolling along the beach deep in thought, or back at house, sitting on the sofa or swing chair, reading and thinking. She'd done an awful lot of thinking! Mainly about Derek. The pain of losing him was still so raw. She knew she'd never really understand why, but at least she was beginning to accept that it was over. That they were over. She didn't have any other choice. She missed him though, so much. Their lives had been so intertwined this past year and a half that losing him so suddenly had felt like losing a part of herself too.

Josh had been wonderful, and she'd grown closer to him than ever these past few days. She was starting to realise how much she relied on him. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't finding herself more and more attracted to him. The physical attraction had always been there, but there was a caring, genuine side to him that she was so drawn to. He'd always made her laugh too, and she needed that more than anything right now. The last thing on her mind, however, was racing into another relationship. She wasn't even sure she'd ever be able to trust another man again, and she was in no fit state to give her heart to someone new. Truth was, her heart was still with Derek.

"Hey!" Josh said, finding Karen on the verandah, sitting in the swing chair. "I'm just gonna go for a final run along the beach. Do you fancy heading out for lunch after I get back? Make the most of our last day here!"

"Noooooo, I don't want to leave. Can't we stay another week?"

"I'd love to" Josh smiled, "but Marty will have my nuts if I'm not back on stage tomorrow night! You on the other hand get to carry on milking your injuries for all they're worth!"

Karen laughed. "Of course I do! And yes, lunch sounds good."

"Great! I'll be back in about an hour."

"Okay. Oh Josh, can I use your iPad please while you're out? I just want to catch up on my emails."

"Sure no problem. It's on the kitchen counter. See you in a bit."

"Have fun!"

She made her way into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. Her head was throbbing today. She realised she hadn't taken her daily cocktail of medicine the doctors had prescribed for her, and grabbed her bag of pills from the cupboard, emptying the contents onto the counter. She picked up the bottle of Depakote and immediately thought of Derek. She'd purposefully pushed finding his empty bottle to the back of her mind this past week. She was trying to get over him, and delving back into his life would only cause her more pain.

She took her pills and then sat down at the counter to check her emails on Josh's iPad. Once done she was about to switch off when the bottle of Depakote caught her eye again. She couldn't help herself and she opened the internet browser, googling the drug. It seemed to have three main uses: seizure prevention, the treatment of Bipolar Disorder and the treatment of migraines.

She was convinced Derek didn't have Bipolar. She knew his behaviour had been somewhat erratic in the last couple of months, but his symptoms would have been more pronounced,and she'd have seen the signs earlier. And he might be a grumpy sod sometimes, but he wasn't a depressive! As for the seizures, he definitely wasn't epileptic. She read on and saw that the drug was also often prescribed to people with brain tumors; to prevent the seizures that often resulted from them. Karen couldn't even fathom that Derek could be suffering from that, and he'd never keep something so huge from her. The likeliest explanation had to be migraines. He'd been so stressed the last few months, and maybe this had triggered headaches. Or maybe he'd started getting them after their break-up. Still curious, she grabbed her phone from her bag, and dialled Julia's number.

"Karen!" Julia answered after a few rings. "You've saved me from a terrible 'Gatsby' song Tom and I are trying to write!"

"Blame the lyrics Karen!" she heard Tom shouting in the background, and laughed.

"How are you feeling sweetie?"

"Good thanks Julia. I love it here. I might just not come back!" she joked. "And Josh has been wonderful."

"He's definitely one of the good ones that's for sure!"

"Listen Julia. I know it's probably not healthy me even going there, but you're probably Derek's closest friend and, well I know you've spent a lot of time together recently working on 'Gatsby'. I just, I'm, well ... did he mention to you anything about his health before he left?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. Like, I know he was super stressed recently. Did he say anything about any headaches, or medication he was taking? Only I found an empty bottle of Depakote in his apartment last week. They're the same drugs I've been prescribed for my headaches following the fall. He's never taken anything like that before, or if he has, he never told me."

There was a pause on the other end of the line, and for a second Karen thought she must have lost contact.

"Julia?"

"Sorry sweetie. Bad line. Um, nope, he didn't say anything to me. I'm sorry."

"Oh okay, no problem. I was just curious, that's all. I guess its not my business now anyway. I'm trying to move on from Derek remember" she laughed, a tinge of bitterness in her voice. "Forget I asked."

"Karen ..."

"Oh, we also need to catch up early this week. Kyle's benefit is less than two weeks away and we've still got loads to do. It was great of Tom to step in as musical director."

"Listen sweetie, I'm worried the benefit's coming up too soon after your accident. We can postpone until you're better."

"No, I'll be fine, honestly Julia! I want to do this, and we've already sold out. Can't cancel now! Besides, I'm not gonna to lie, having the benefit to think about will be a nice distraction."

"Okay, we'll as long as you're sure. How about we meet tomorrow at mine, about three?"

"Sounds good. I'd better go Julia. I'm still in my PJs and I haven't started packing yet! Can't wait to catch up tomorrow. Love you! Byeeeee."

"Love you too sweetie."

* * *

"How's she doing?" asked Tom, as Julia made her way back into the room.

"Good! I think her trip has done her the world of good. She sounded so much more like herself today."

"Yeah, no thanks to Derek."

"Tom!"

"What? I don't get how you can even defend him right now. A leopard can't change his spots Julia. I always knew it would end in tears. Not even the magical Karen Cartwright herself could tame him!"

"You don't know anything that's gone on, and I can do without the snark Tom thank you very much!" snapped Julia. "Seriously, it's been like 15 years and you still can't let it go." She started gathering her things.

"Hey! Where are you going? We're not finished yet."

"Out! I need some fresh air" she said, storming out of the apartment.

Once outside she leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. Karen had asked her straight out about Derek's health and she'd lied. If she thought that Derek might change his mind and that there was still hope for him and Karen then she would have told her. But it had been clear at the hospital that there was none. It must have taken everything he had to walk away from the girl he loved like that, as she lay unconscious in a hospital bed. It wasn't fair to tell Karen only for Derek to reject her again when she inevitably went after him. However much she justified it, however, it was still a betrayal. She felt awful.

* * *

"I had a really great week, thank you Josh" she said, as he carried her bags into Ana's apartment. "And please thank your mom and dad again for me for allowing me to stay. Can you text me their address please so I can thank them properly."

"Of course. I had a great week too Cartwright. You'll get there you know! I know it might not feel like that now, but you will."

"I know." Karen smiled. Their eyes locked, and they stared at each other for a few moments, neither saying anything. The silence was threatening to overwhelm them until Karen broke the awkwardness by quickly leaning in to give Josh a peck on the cheek. "You've been a great friend Josh, I'm a lucky girl. Thank you."

"That's what they all say Cartwright!" he grinned.

"So. Much. Hot. Air!" she laughed. "I'll speak to you tomorrow okay?"

"Okay. Take care ... and stay out of trouble!"

"Always!" she winked.

After Josh had left she flopped down on the sofa and groaned. Her emotions were all over the place. Why did Josh have to be so lovely. She reached for her wallet and pulled out the passport photo of her and Derek she had always kept there. She knew she should have thrown it away already but she couldn't bring herself to. She smiled remembering the day they'd had the photos taken. They'd spent the day in Atlantic City and she'd practically had to drag Derek into the photo booth. She quickly put the photo away again. She needed to stop torturing herself like this.


	18. Chapter 18

He hadn't been back to his father's grave for over twenty years. Since the day they buried him in fact. It wasn't that he'd find it too painful. It was that he didn't see the point. His dad was gone. Going to his grave wasn't going to bring him back. This time was different though. Faced with his own mortality, he found himself drawn there. He wanted to be close to him once more. He wanted to be with someone who understood.

"Hey dad! I bet you didn't expect to see me here! I'd love to be able to tell you that everything's great. A few months ago I was the happiest guy alive, and now ... well let's just say I've been better! Turns out the Big C isn't a big fan of the Wills family. Brain cancer, can you believe it?!

"I'm not going to lie dad, I've been struggling. I was so determined to deal with this on my own, to protect the people I love, I'm not sure I ever stopped to wonder if it was the right decision. I guess I've got you to blame for that. For my bloody-mindedness!" He laughed. "You see, I cut Karen loose, thinking she wasn't strong enough to deal with this. I didn't want her to go through the pain that mum went through. Truth is, mum and Karen ... they're the strongest people I know. I just didn't see it until now.

"I wish you'd gotten the chance to meet her. You'd have fallen in love with her too ... her talent, kindness, her beauty, both inside and out. She made me want to be a better person, and I think I am a better person because of her. And now I think I've lost her forever dad!" He started to weep. "You see, I've hurt her so much. I made my choice and I have to live with that now. I thought it was for the best. Mum thinks I've been an idiot though ... and she's probably right! I thought I was strong enough to get through this all on my own, but the truth is, I need her dad. I need her like you needed mum. Tell me what to do! Am I too late?! Am I being selfish to want her back?"

When his tears finally subsided he sat there lost in thought for a long time. His mum was right. He was stubborn. He was bloody minded. He thought back to telling his mum about his illness. It had taken all his willpower to persuade her not to call Karen.

"Mum, please let me handle this my way. This is my life, you have to let me lead it the way I want to" he'd said to her.

"Not if it means making a decision you'll always regret sweetheart. Please, you have to look after yourself right now. Surround yourself with the people who love you, who can help you get through this."

"You mean like you and dad? In case you're forgetting mum, dad died."

"Yes he did, but he fought it, to the very end. He gave himself a chance, which is the best he could do, and he hung in there months longer than they said. You think he'd have done that without the love of his family, friends? Please Derek, you can make things right."

"I don't know mum. I need to sort things out in my head first. Please, if you love me, you'll leave me to make the right decision, for everyone."

And so he'd ended up here, at his dad's grave, asking questions deep down he already knew the answer too.

* * *

_Look at this heart shaped wreckage_

_What have we done?_

_We've got scars from battles nobody won_

_We can start over, better_

_Both of us know if we just let the broken pieces_

_Let the broken pieces _

_Let the broken pieces_

_Let the broken pieces...go_

"Guys that was beautiful" Tom said, after Karen and Josh had finished singing. You really do sound great together. You look great together too. I hate you both!"

They both laughed. They were all gathered in a rehearsal room, putting the final touches to Kyle's benefit which was now only a couple of days away. They'd have the full rehearsal with the orchestra at the concert hall on the day of the show. The past week or so had been a whirlwind. Karen had been busy with the benefit, spending a lot of time with Tom and Julia to finalise the songs and arrangements. Some of the biggest names in Broadway had agreed to perform, and Karen was so honoured that they were going to get the chance to celebrate Kyle's legacy, and most importantly, his love of Broadway, in this way, and all for such a worthy charity.

It had been the first time Karen had performed 'Hit List' songs since opening night all that time ago. She was wary at first, but instead of bringing back memories of the trauma of that night, all the songs really made her do was think of Derek. It was like the songs were speaking to them somehow.

"Do you think we've overdone it on the 'Hit List' songs?" Karen asked. I mean, I know it was Kyle's only piece of work, but he was so passionate about Broadway in general ... maybe we should have featured a few more classics."

"Karen, stop worrying. I know you want this to be perfect, but we've got a great selection of both Hit List and classics that will do Kyle proud." Julia said.

"I know I know, you're right" she smiled.

"You know, if you want a show stopping classic I'm happy to step up and sing 'Jesus Chris Superstar'?" Josh chipped in.

"Now why doesn't that surprise me!" laughed Karen. "Thanks again for doing this though Josh."

"No problem Cartwright. I think it's a great thing you're doing. Anything to help ... Listen, you wanna go get a drink afterwards? You never did finish that Piña Colada!"

"Sure, why not!" she laughed.

* * *

"Soooo" Josh tentatively asked, when they were finally seated at the bar of one of their fave Broadway hangouts, drinks in hand. "How are you doing Cartwright? Like, how are you really doing?"

Karen smiled. "I'm okay I guess. I just miss him Josh, more than I could ever imagine. Is that stupid, after what happened? I, I want to be angry, I do, but more than anything I just feel, I don't know ... empty. He was such a huge part of my life these past two years. I wouldn't be the person I am now if it wasn't for him." She felt herself tearing up again and moved to quickly change the subject.

"Anywayyyyy Joshua, enough about me ... what about you?"

"What _about _me?!"

"I see through it all you know!" she said, grinning.

"See through what?"

"This facade of yours. Always playing up to your cheeky playboy image. It's like you use it as some sort of shield. It's like you don't want anyone to know that underneath it all lies one of the kindest, most loyal, people I know. Like it makes you vulnerable somehow."

"Bullshit! I'm every bit the genuine playboy!" he grinned. "Seriously though, I'd like nothing more than to settle down with the girl of my dreams ... or at least go steady with someone for more than a week!" he laughed.

"You'll find her" Karen smiled.

"What if I already have?" They looked at each other until the tension threatened to overwhelm them, when Josh tentatively reached out his hand to brush a strand of Karen's hair away from her face.

"Josh ..."

"Don't let me interrupt!"

They abruptly broke apart and Karen swivelled round to see Jerry walking towards them.

"Jerry! To what do I owe this displeasure?!" Karen teased.

He'd been trying to get Karen to sign up for his latest production for months, but she'd resisted. As good a producer as he was, Karen wasn't sure she could work with someone again who so utterly lacking in integrity. She'd never forgotten the way he'd exploited Kyle's and Jimmy's death, and her own near death, for his own gains with 'Hit List'.

"Oh you know, just keeping half of Broadway running, meeting some potential investors. You came up as a matter of fact Karen. They'd love you as the lead."

"Jerry, we've discussed this. I'm happy with 'Greed' for the time being, thank you."

"Well I have to keep trying" he smiled.

"And you know if you ever fancy a guest stint in the West End production of 'Hit List' they'd love to have you there! The production's going great guns over there. The Brits will eat it up. I think a few of the ladies there were most disappointed not to catch a glimpse of your ex though."

"Derek? What do you mean?"

"Cancelling his visit to London at the last minute. A few of the investor meetings I had lined up were on the promise of meeting the great director himself!"

"Wait" Karen said, confused. "Derek didn't come to London with you?"

"No! Said he had urgent business to attend to here ... I guess we all know now what that means!" he smirked. "Anyway, I'll be in touch. Not giving up hope yet!" he said, as he made his way out.

Karen was reeling. Derek never went to London! Then where the heck did he go? Did she even want to know!

"You okay Cartwright?"

"Yeah ... ummm, look Josh, I'm suddenly so tired. Think I'm gonna get an early night. I'll see you tomorrow okay?" she said, slipping off the stool and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek as she quickly made her way out. She needed some fresh air, to clear her head. To work out what the hell was going on!


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to update. It's not that I haven't wanted to, but I've just been so busy recently I literally haven't had a moment. But I'm hoping to get cracking again this week. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story. As always, your reviews and thoughts are always appreciated** **:)**

* * *

She hadn't been able to sleep, thinking about what Jerry had told her. If Derek hadn't gone to London, then where did he go? Her first thought was that he was with _her, _whoever she even was. But she'd asked him outright if it had only happened once, and he'd promised her it had. Why would he lie when he already knew it was over?

She tried to remember back to how things were when he 'went away' and when he came back. Sure, they'd been going through a bad patch - his mood swings, his craziness at the charity gala - but then things had seemed to get back to normal. He'd come back and they'd had a wonderful week together. God, he'd even told her he wanted to have her children! It didn't make any sense. And the cut on his head! He said he'd accidentally got caught up in a fight and she hadn't even questioned it! She knew now that was a lie.

Something was going on and she wouldn't be able to rest until she found out. She slowly climbed out of bed and headed to the bathroom. Her ribs were still sore and her lack of sleep was making her head throb. She looked at herself in the mirror and wondered how it had gotten to this. She opened Ana's bathroom cupboard and took out her bag of medication, and methodically began taking her pills. She stopped when she got to the Depakote. There were so many unanswered questions.

* * *

"Promise me you'll ring as soon as you get to New York."

"Of course I will"

"I wish you'd let me go with you, help take care of you. I'm your mother!"

Derek smiled and leaned in to kiss his mum tenderly on the cheek.

"What if she won't take me back mum? I wouldn't blame her if she didn't ... What if she's moved on?"

"Oh Derek!" his mum said, as she fiddled with his shirt. "Ever since your father died you put up this barrier. You never let anyone get close to you. Until you met Karen. You opened up to her in a way you've never opened up to anyone, not even me. She knows you better than anyone, which is why I know she'll understand why you did what you did."

"But what if ..."

"No but's Derek! She loves you so much ... that's all that matters right now."

Derek nodded, tears filling his eyes. He reached out to embrace his mum, kissing her on the cheek as he pulled away.

"Bye mum" he winked. "I love you"

"I love you too sweetheart. Now be gone with you! that plane's not going to wait forever!"

When he'd finally settled himself into his seat he reached for his wallet, and pulled out the photo he always kept there. It was of him and Karen. She'd made him take the photos in a booth when they were visiting Atlantic City. He smiled remembering how'd he'd made a big fuss at the time, and Karen had told him to stop being such a fuddy duddy! She looked so beautiful, so happy. He looked so happy. They looked so happy together.

He'd been so stupid! He'd been telling himself he was doing this to protect Karen, which was true, but his pride had got in the too. He was the one who should be looking after her, not the other way round. But the truth was, he did need her. He'd always needed her, even before he'd met her. And he needed her now more than anything ... he needed to tell her the truth. He hoped it would be enough.

* * *

She didn't know what she was looking for. Something, anything that might give her some answers. She started by going through the boxes in the living area, and then moved onto the kitchen, opening the drawers where everything was pretty much untouched. She smiled to herself thinking about Derek's terrible cooking. No wonder he wasn't taking any utensils with him! She remembered when he'd cooked for her on their 1st anniversary, and it had been disastrous! It was like a real life scene from Bridget Jones, and they'd ended up getting takeout. But just the fact that he'd tried had made her love him even more!

A couple of hours later and she'd pretty much been all over the apartment, but hadn't found anything. She was exhausted, but she knew there was one more room she needed to check. As she slowly opened the bedroom door her thoughts immediately went back to the last time she'd been in there. How she'd stood, staring, in disbelief, as she looked at the man she loved, naked in bed with another woman. She couldn't shake the image from her head, and suddenly it hit her how ridiculous it was what she was doing. He'd cheated on her! In their bed! Why the hell was she even here?! Looking for answers when she didn't even know what the questions were. And what good would this do anyway. No answer could erase him sleeping with someone else. Whatever was going through his head, she wouldn't ever be able to forgive that.

Tears started streaming down her face. Her emotions were all over the place. A mixture of anger, sorrow, confusion ... loss. She wished she didn't didn't feel so empty. She slowly made her way to the end of the bed to sit down, taking deep breaths to compose herself.

"Why Derek, why?!" she whispered, putting her head in her hands.

She must have sat like that a good 10 minutes before she moved to wipe the tears staining her face. She reached down to pull out a tissue from her purse when her eyes were suddenly drawn to something on the floor by her feet. It looked like a small white business card. She reached down to pick it. It _was _a business card. She turned it over to read:

_Dr Morris_

_Neurosurgeon_

_Manhattan Neurological Clinic_

* * *

"Can I help you please?"

"Yes I'm here to see Dr Morris please."

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No, but I'm the girlfriend of one of her patients, a Mr Derek Wills. Please, I really have to see her."

"I'm sorry Miss?..."

"Cartwright. Miss Karen Cartwright. Please, I just need to see her. I only need a few minutes."

"I'm sorry Miss Cartwright. Dr Morris is extremely busy, and unless you have an appointment..."

"Please, this is really important. Just one minute, please! I'll wait as long as I have to."

Karen could feel herself getting slightly hysterical. Ever since she'd found the card she'd been going out of her mind. Why had Derek been to see a neuro surgeon? You didn't go and see a neurosurgeon unless it was something ... she didn't even want to think it.

"Look, I have no right to see her now I know, but I'm begging you. I'll only take up a minute of her time."

The receptionist looked at her sympathetically, and Karen could see her relenting. Or maybe she just didn't want to have to deal with an hysterical woman who clearly wasn't going to go away quietly!

"Okay, just wait right here please Miss Cartwright. I shouldn't do this but I know Dr Morris doesn't have another patient for another half hour. I can't promise anything though."

"Thank you thank you!" Karen said, as the lady got up and made her way to Dr Morris's room, Knocking before going inside, and closing the door behind her. She emerged a minute or so later and smiled at Karen.

"She'll see now"

"Thank you so much!" Karen said, wanting to hug her, as she made her way to the door.

"Miss Cartwright, please take a seat" said Dr Morris, as Karen knocked and tentatively made her way in.

"Thank you Dr Morris, I really appreciate you seeing me."

"Not at all. Now what can I help you with Miss Cartwright?"

"We'll, I don't really know how to say this ... but, well, my boyfriend, Derek Wills ... well, I found your business card in our bedroom, and, I'm worried he's sick. I know he's been taking Depakote, and I know you prescribe that to prevent seizures ... I know it helps prevent seizures for people with brain tumors. And his moods have been all over the place. I, I ... I just need to know if he's sick. Please Doctor, I just need to know what's wrong with him. I know he came to see you. Why else would he have your card?"

"Miss Cartwright"

"Please, call me Karen."

"Karen" Dr Morris smiled. "I wish I could help you, I really do. But I run a strict confidentiality policy here. I can't tell you anything. I'm sorry."

"Please, at least tell me if he came here?"

"Karen, I'm sorry. I know you want some answers, but I suggest talking to Mr Wills to get them."

"Derek's gone Dr, which is why I'm here! I need to know if this, whatever _this _is, is the reason for it. You're a neurosurgeon. I looked you up, and you're one of the best neurosurgeon's in the country! If Derek's sick, I need to know, please!"

"I'm sorry Karen ..."

"Please Dr Morris. You don't know him like I do. If he's sick and he hasn't told me its not because he shouldn't, it's because for whatever reason he couldn't ... I just need to know ... Please!"

Karen was practically crying. She just needed to know. Dr Morris looked at her sympathetically, pityingly almost.

"Karen, I wish I could help ... I'm sorry."

Karen nodded, defeated. "I understand. I'm sorry to have bothered you" she said as she slowly rose from her chair and started to make her way out.

"Karen?"

"Yes Dr?" Karen said, turning around.

"You know, I've been a neuro surgeon for over 20 years, and I've seen a lot of patients in that time. And you know what? The one thing I've found, more than anything else, is that men are stubborn. Sooooo stubborn! They never think they need any help, but you're right ... they do."

"So he did come here?"

"I didn't say that Karen." Dr Morris smiled.

"You didn't have to ... thank you again Dr."


	20. Chapter 20

"Karen!" Julia exclaimed, as Karen came rushing into the rehearsal room, 25 minutes late. "Where have you been?! Tom's tearing his hair out. He's just had to go out for his 10th coffee of the day! You being late is not helping the nerves!"

"Typical Cartwright!" Joked Josh, who was one of several of the stars attending the final rehearsal before tomorrow's full dress rehearsal and show. "Just because you helped put this little shindig together you think you can swan in and out like you own the place!" he grinned.

"Shut it Joshua!" Karen teased. "I'm sorry. There was just something I had to do ... Julia, can I talk to you about something, in private?" She felt her voice cracking.

"Of course. Is everything okay sweetie?" Julia said, concern etched on her face.

"I don't know" Karen said. She was trying to fight back tears.

"Come on" said Julia tenderly, as she led Karen to an empty room down the corridor. Once inside Karen slumped down on the nearest chair, and began to sob, all the emotions of the last few hours getting the better of her.

"Hey, hey, sweetie it's okay" said Julia, as she moved to sit next to Karen, putting her arm around her to comfort her. "What on earth's the matter?"

"It's Derek ... He's ill Julia. ... I know he's ill" she said between sobs. "He's been to see a neurosurgeon. I, I found her card in the apartment, and I went to see her. ... Dr Morris. She's this top neurosurgeon Julia, and Derek went to see her. She wouldn't tell me, but I know he did. I've been trying to put the pieces together, and it all makes sense now. The Depakote. His mood swings. Him lying about being in London. He came back with stitches in his head. He told me it was from a fight, and ... Oh my god Julia, I believed him!" She was starting to get hysterical.

"I, I need to know what's wrong with him. I need to find him. If he's sick ... Julia, what if it's something like a brain tumor? I know it sounds crazy but right now it's the only thing that makes sense."

"Sweetie ..."

"Julia I need to find him" she whispered. "I know I shouldn't feel this way, after everything, but I need to know he's going to be okay. I need to know what's wrong with him ... I, I tried calling his cell but it's disconnected, and I tried his mum's house in London, but no one answered. I've called anyone and everyone who might know where he is, but no one's seen him since he left New York ... What am I going to do Julia? I just need to find him."

She began sobbing again as Julia enveloped her in a hug.

"Sweetheart" Julia said after a while... "there's something I need to tell you"

Karen extracted herself from Julia's embrace and looked at her friend.

"What is it? ... Julia, do you know something? Do you know where Derek is?!"

Julia was struggling to look Karen in the eye.

"Julia!"

"Karen, I was trying to protect you sweetie. Both of you. I did what thought was best."

Julia was starting to tear up herself and Karen could feel the panic rising inside her.

"Julia, what is it? TELL ME, PLEASE!"

"He is sick Karen ... He does have a brain tumor ... Karen, Derek's got brain cancer."

"What?" Karen was in shock, struggling to register what Julia had just told her.

"He's got brain cancer Karen, I'm sorry ..."

"I, I don't understand." Karen's head was spinning. "What do you mean he's got brain cancer? How ... how do you know?"

"He told me"

"That, that doesn't make sense. He wouldn't keep this from me. I don't understand. He wouldn't tell you and not me. He wouldn't keep this from me. You must have got it wrong."

"Sweetie, I'm sorry. I, I wanted to tell you, but ..."

Karen was struggling to take everything in. Brain cancer! Derek had brain cancer. The man she used ... the man she loved, had cancer.

"But what?" Karen whispered. She looked into Julia's eyes and could see her own tears starting to fall.

"I went to see him. Derek. The day after you found him in bed with that woman. I was livid. I needed to know what the hell he was thinking. Why he'd done that to you. He told me it was none of my business! ... but I wouldn't let it go, and then he broke down. He said he'd done it to protect you. You see, he'd just been diagnosed with brain cancer, and, and ... he didn't want to burden you with it Karen. He said he couldn't see you go through the pain of having to deal with his illness. He loves you too much for that."

"Oh my god." Karen was struggling to comprehend what Julia was telling her. "So what? ... he slept with that woman to protect me. To what? ... To drive me away?! I, I don't understand."

"I think he thought it was the only way to let you go. The only way you'd leave him. He knew that if he told you, and tried to leave you, you wouldn't let him go."

"This is crazy. It makes no sense."

"I know it is. I know it doesn't. But he was adamant. After what you went through. He didn't want to see you go through pain like that again. He didn't want to hurt you anymore."

"Hurt me?" Karen laughed, almost bitterly. "The last month, all I've been doing is hurting. Hurting because I thought I lost the man that I love. Lost him because he was a cheating scumbag who couldn't keep it in his pants. And now ... now I don't know what to think."

"How sick is he?" Karen said quietly after a while. "Is ... is he dying?" Her tears were starting to fall freely. She loved him, no matter what he'd done. No matter that he'd slept with someone else. She still loved him, and the thought of him being sick, the thought of him dying ... it was like someone was stabbing at her heart.

"I don't know sweetie, I'm sorry. Karen? There's something else you need to know ... He didn't sleep with her."

"What?"

"That woman. He didn't sleep with her. He just made it seem like that. He wanted you to walk in on them. To make it seem like he'd slept with her. So you'd hate him. But he didn't. He couldn't do that to you."

"Oh my god"

Derek hadn't slept with her! He'd fabricated this whole thing ... to protect her? What on earth was he playing at! They loved each other. When they'd finally gotten together, after all the heartache, they'd promised each other to never keep secrets from each other. They promised each other that they'd be there for each other, no matter what. And here Derek was, with brain cancer, and for whatever reason he'd chosen to deal with it alone. Wherever he was, he was all alone. Suffering from cancer, alone.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked Julia, after she'd managed to compose herself somewhat.

"I wanted to sweetie, but he'd made his mind up. He said it wasn't for me to tell. That he'd made his mind up and telling you would only hurt you more."

"You should have told me."

"I couldn't Karen."

"Yes, you could, and you should have!" She was shouting now. "Oh my god Julia, don't you see?! Derek's sick. He needs me. He needed me back then. Whatever he thought was for the best doesn't mean it was. I know what's best for him. What was for the best was for me to be there with him, for him. You know what he's like Julia! He won't let anyone look after him. He's so stubborn! YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!"

"Karen, I'm sorry ...I" she said, reaching out to touch Karen, only to be immediately rebuffed.

"DON'T!" snapped Karen, swiping away Julia's hand. "Don't touch me! ... I asked you, oh my god. When I was in the Hamptons. I called you. I asked you if you knew anything, and you said no. You said no, and all along here you were knowing he had cancer!"

"Karen, please. He'd made it clear. I tried to tell him. Tried to tell him he needed to tell you, but he was so adamant. He couldn't hurt you. He wouldn't ..."

"And what about Derek?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, who was protecting him?! I'm not the person who's sick here. Derek is! NOT ME! I'm not the one who needs looking after, protecting. Derek is." Karen was getting hysterical again.

"HE'S GOT BRAIN CANCER JULIA, AND YOU KNEW, AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME! HE NEEDS ME AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS!"

"Karen" Julia said, instinctively reaching for her again.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" she screamed.

Just then the door flung open, and Josh came rushing in.

"Hey! HEY! What on earth is going on in here. We can hear you 5 doors down. Karen? ... oh my god, what's happened?!"

He sat down on the other side of her, and Karen immediately collapsed into his arms sobbing, inconsolable. He looked at Julia, who just shook her head, tears flowing down her face.

"I'm sorry Josh, I should go. Take care of her okay?" Julia slowly stood up and made her way out.

"Julia?" Josh called after her, but she was already gone. He turned back to Karen who was shaking in his arms.

"It's okay girl, I'm here for you."

They sat like that for a good 10 minutes until Karen eventually calmed.

"So are you going to tell me what this is all about Cartwright?"

"He's sick Josh" she whispered.

"Who's sick?"

"Derek ... he's sick and I can't find him." Karen broke down again, finding comfort in Josh's arms, as he gently hugged her, rocking her until she calmed again.

"I just need to find him" she whispered. "I can't lose him Josh. I can't."


	21. Chapter 21

**AN: This is just a shorty, but I wanted to post it in anticipation of the biggy coming up. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

She was still numb. She was still struggling to process everything. She'd wanted the truth so much, but now she had it she wished things could go back to the way they were. Derek would still be a cheat, and her heart would still be broken, but it would be nothing to the pain she was feeling right now. The pain of knowing that Derek was out there somewhere, suffering. The pain of knowing that in his darkest moment instead of turning to her he pushed her away, and in the cruellest way possible. The pain of knowing that she might never get the chance to hold him again, to tell him that everything would be okay.

She was angry also. So angry! Did she really mean so little to him? She remembered back to that day she came back to him. How broken he was. How he'd told her that it wasn't for her to decide. That when you love someone you're there for them unconditionally, through the good times and bad, no matter what. They'd made a vow that night that no matter what life threw at them they'd face it together. And yet Derek hadn't keep his side of the bargain. She'd trusted him implicitly and he'd betrayed the love they had for each other, because of what? Pride? Conceit? Stubbornness?!

She was suddenly stirred from her thoughts by a knock on the door.

"Go away" she moaned, turning over and pulling the duvet back over her head. She heard the door open and felt someone sit on the end of the bed.

"So here's the thing Cartwright. There's this small little concert thing that's happening today that I'm pretty sure you can't miss ... so what say you crawl out of this pit and into the shower, and we head down to the theater ASAP. Ana's already down there. She figured I might be able to drag you out of bed by telling you a few of my bad jokes.

Karen smiled to herself. He always had a way of making things seem better. She pulled the duvet back and slowly sat up, wiping her tear filled eyes.

"I don't think I can go out there Josh."

"Of course you can" he said, reaching out and tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "And you know why? Because you're so much stronger than you think you are. And because I know you're not going to let Kyle down, no matter what."

Karen nodded. He was right. This wasn't about her. This was Kyle's night.

"That's my girl" he smiled.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"What if I can't find him?"

"Hey, you'll find him, okay! Someone like Derek Wills doesn't stay hidden forever. And I'm only speaking from my experience of being a man here, but we do stupid things most of the time! When Derek comes to his senses, I'm sure he'll find his way back to you."

"I don't know" she said, her face crumpling. "I've never known anyone so bloody minded before."

"Hey hey hey" said Josh taking her in his arms. "There's one small thing you're forgetting though Cartwright ... it's _you _he loves. Karen Cartwright! If you were mine, I'd never let you go."

"Shut up Josh" she laughed through her sobs, breaking away from him and playfully clouting him round the head.

"Ow!" He laughed. "Come on, let's get you sorted." He stood up, taking Karen's hands, and pulled up her out of the bed. "Go jump in that shower, and I'll ring Ana ... let her know we're on our way."

"Thanks Josh. I'd be lost without you."

"Yeah well, that's what friends are for right" he said, smiling at her, a hint of regret flashing across his face ... "now get your ass in that shower Cartwright!"

"I'm going I'm going!" she laughed, making her way into the bathroom. Once inside she leaned against the door and closed her eyes. She'd get through tonight, and when it was over, she was going to find him. However long it took. She didn't know what she'd find when she did, or if he'd even let her in again. She didn't even know if _she _could let him in again. But he was sick, and she needed to find him, and help make him better. Whatever else their future held didn't really matter right now.

* * *

The apartment didn't feel like his home anymore. Of course it didn't help that everything was still packed up, but without Karen to share it with it was just back to being somewhere to go to at the end of the day, a place to sleep. He sat on the sofa and took out took out his photo of him and Karen again, gently running his finger across her face. God, he missed her so much.

He'd been to see Dr Morris as soon as he got back to New York. He'd told her wanted the operation as soon as possible. That he was going to do whatever it took to give himself the best chance of surviving this, and if that meant risky surgery, then so be it.

She'd asked him again if he'd opened up to his friends, his family. She told him again that he needed them more than anything at a time like this. This time he'd simply nodded.

"I've not handled this so well have I?" he'd laughed. "Pushing away the people I care about ... the girl I love more than anyone."

"Well you're here now Derek, and everything else will work itself out, I'm sure of that" she'd smiled reassuringly.

He only hoped she was right. Now he was so close to her again, he wasn't sure he could handle her rejection of him, however justified it would be. He'd wanted to go to her straight away, but he knew Kyle's benefit was tonight, and he wasn't going to jeopardise that for her. But he was damned if he was going to miss seeing her sing again. He'd find her after the show, explain everything to her. He'd never been so terrified in his life.


	22. Chapter 22

Karen was lost in her thoughts when she was disturbed by a knock at the door, and Ana popped her head round. "Hey girl! ... How you getting on?"

"Good, good" she replied, none too convincingly.

Ana smiled, and walked over to Karen, wrapping her arms around her.

"You know, the last time we did this was Hit List's opening night. You were sat here with that same wistful expression on your face. It's the same look you always have when you're thinking about Derek."

Karen smiled. "I wish I wasn't thinking about him right now. Or at least I wish I was thinking about him for a different reason."

"He'll be okay girl, I know it. If I know anything about Derek it's that he's the most stubborn human being in the world, which is why he's gotten himself into this mess in the first place, but also why he'll be damned if this thing defeats him!"

"I don't know Ana. He's terrible at being sick. He gets a cold and he can't cope!" she laughed. "I, I just need him to be okay. I can't bear to think of him out there probably trying to deal with this on his own ... in his own Derek way!"

"Look, tomorrow we'll sort this properly okay? We'll find him. Me, Josh, Julia, we'll all help. I'll be damned if I don't get my happy ending!" She smiled at Karen reassuringly, rubbing her arms and leaning down and planting a kiss on her cheek.

"Have you spoken to Julia?"

"No" Karen replied quietly, looking at her friend. "I can't. I, I just ... I just can't believe she kept something like this from me. I'm not sure I can ever forgive that. I thought she loved me you know ... and Derek."

"She does love you. She was doing what she thought was for the best Karen, I'm sure of that. I know you know that too, deep down."

"All I know is that Derek would still be with me now if she'd told me."

"And Derek would still have done that moronic thing of faking sleeping with somene else too, and you're ready to forgive him for that!"

"That's not true! I don't know what I'm ready to do, or even if we still have a future together ... I just can't believe it came to this, you know?"

"I know girl, I know ... come on, you finish getting sorted. Not that you need anything to make you any more gorgeous than you already are! Curtain's up in 15! Let's go put on one helluva show for Kyle."

"Okay" Karen smiled. "Break a leg. I love you"

"Love you too. Break a leg yourself girl, although seriously, you've got to stop taking that all so literally! You shouldn't even really be singing tonight you know. Your ribs must still be so sore!" she laughed.

"I'm fine girl!" Karen winked, as Ana made her way out.

She was anything but fine, but she knew she had to stay strong. The last few years had been challenging to say the least, but this might just be her biggest one yet.

* * *

He didn't have a ticket, but being a big Broadway director certainly had its perks when the concert hall ushers were all 'actors' looking for their big break. He'd managed to sweet talk the girl manning one of the entrances to the Stands, who introduced herself as Evie, into letting him stand by the doorway to watch the performance. He was in the shadows and out of sight. Probably where Karen hoped he would stay.

When the lights finally dimmed he felt his heart skip a beat in anticipation. The curtain slowly rose to reveal a smoke filled stage, and suddenly he heard her. That gorgeous, haunting voice.

_"I'm high above the city_

_I'm standing on the ledge_

_The view from here is pretty_

_And I'm step off the edge"_

He saw her slowly emerge on the stage as the smoke dispersed and the spotlight descended on her, creating an almost ethereal vision. She looked just stunning. She was more gorgeous to him than ever. She was wearing a beautiful long midnight blue dress, her brunette locks flowing down in loose curls. Even from the back of the theater he could she her eyes glowing like they always did.

"Oh my god, I love her so much. It's ridiculous how pretty she is!" sighed Evie, and Derek couldn't help but smile.

"Me too sweetheart, me too."

He could tell by the emotion in Karen's voice how much the song was affecting her. he could hear ittrembling, but that just added to the rawness, the pure beauty of the moment. He knew how tough this must be for her. Not only the memories it dragged up of her darkest moment, but also the memory of the last time she'd sang this song, during Hit List's opening night. The night he'd held her so tight as the life flowed out of her. The night he'd made a promise that if she somehow made it through he'd never let her go. Only he had let her go, and here he was, making the same promise to anyone who'd listen again.

Just listening to her he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. God, he'd forgotten how beautiful her voice was. Or maybe he'd just taken it for granted. He remembered how the New York Times' review of 'Greed' had likened it to the singing equivalent of melted chocolate. An analogy that was never more true than in this moment.

When the song ended, and the lights went out, plunging the theater into darkness there was a deathly silence, followed by thunderous applause. If the evening had ended right there people would have gone home satisfied. Derek was so proud of her.

* * *

"Everything's going great" beamed Josh, as he and Karen hovered in the wings, waiting to go on and sing "Heart Shaped Wreckage" together. He was right. So far the evening had been perfect. Just the right side of reflective whilst also managing to be both a celebration of Kyle and also the joy of Broadway itself ... the thing that had always been Kyle's one true love.

They were standing watching Idina Menzel slay Wicked's "Defying Gravity" and staring in awe at her performance.

"She's ridiculous" sighed Karen.

"You know what's even more ridiculous Cartwright? ... you've got twice as many Tony Awards than her. Bite on that Menzel!"

"Ssshhhhh" laughed Karen. "You'll get us in trouble. You ready Joshua?" she said, as the applause for Idina rang out.

"Of course!" he winked.

Karen watched from the sides as Josh walked on stage and sang The first verse. He was a mesmerising performer, and the audience was transfixed. The last time she'd sung this on stage she remembered how she was thinking of Derek all the way through. He'd just declared his love for her an hour or so earlier, and she hadn't been able to get him out of her mind. Nothing had changed.

_"I can't find you in the dark_

_Will we get back to who we are?_

_And I can't fix this on my own_

_Our love is still the best thing I've ever known"_

God, what was it with Hit List and the resonance it seemed to have with her own life! She was struggling to get through the song, and felt her voice breaking as she sang. Josh gave her a discreet reassuring wink, which immediately put her at ease. The audience erupted as the song ended, and Josh and Karen moved to embrace as the curtains went down, enclosing them backstage.

"Okay, those two are definitely doing it" laughed Evie as Karen and Josh disappeared behind the curtain and the lights went up for intermission, totally forgetting who she was standing next to! Derek felt his insides clench up, as realisation suddenly hit Evie.

"Ummmm, I mean, they're just really good actors at making it seem like that" she blushed.

"I need some fresh air" Derek said, rushing outside.

Evie was right. They did look good together. No, they looked great together, and they were electric together singing that duet. This obviously wasn't a shock to anyone, as they were currently tearing up Broadway in 'Greed', but what was a shock to Derek was the sudden realisation that maybe Karen's heart wasn't his anymore. Maybe she'd given it to someone else. Maybe she _had _given itto Josh.

He knew Josh cared deeply for Karen, maybe even loved her, and that it wasn't just all an act. He'd known that the day he went to the hospital after Karen's fall and he'd seen how distraught he was. He'd told Derek that day that Karen hadn't slept with him, and that she hadn't because she was still too much in love with him ... but that was then and this was now. It had been weeks since then and Karen wasn't going to be pining after him forever. She was going to move on. He'd wanted her to. Maybe she already had.

He stood outside for a long time, but the pull of seeing Karen sing again drew him back in. He resumed his position next to Evie just as Karen made her way on stage for the penultimate song before the finale.

"Hi everyone. I hope you don't mind me saying a few words." she said shyly. It amazed Derek how even now she was still so humble.

"First of all I just want to thank everyone for coming tonight. For showing your support to Kyle, and for your wonderful generosity, the proceeds of which will be going towards the amazing Manhattan Education Foundation. Thank you to the Manhattan Concert Hall for allowing us to put on this special evening. It was Kyle's dream to perform his own work here one day, and so even though he can't be here in person to see it, i know that wherever he is he'll be there in spirit. He wouldn't miss this for the world!" she laughed.

"So much has gone into this event, and so I also would like to thank everyone who has made it possible. I'll be here all night if I start naming everyone, but you all truly have done a wonderful job, thank you so much. I hope you don't mind me giving a special shout out, however, to Tom Levitt and Julia Houston for putting this wonderful evening all together, and also to my fellow Broadway performers who've given their own precious time tonight. It really does make me so proud to be a part of this community, thank you.

"Ummmm, I know some people were wondering why this show was even happening when Kyle only ever wrote one musical. And yes he did only get the chance to write one before he died ... but that musical wasn't just any old musical. It was 'Hit List'. A musical that I think has touched everyone who has seen it in one way or another, and it's a musical that has always spoken to my heart on so many different levels. It's a musical about hope, desperation, ambition, joy, destruction ... but most of all it's about love. The power of love, and how it can heal and destroy in equal measure. It has all the ingredients that make a great Broadway story, and that's what Kyle loved. The story. It's why he loved Broadway. He lived and breathed it. He got it you know! He got that people can lose themselves for a couple of hours in a story, and be whoever they wanted to be. And that's why we're here tonight."

"So, we're coming to the end of the show now, and I wanted to sign off with Kyle's favourite song. It was a song I thought about a lot in the days after Kyle died. It's a song about love and regret, and it's always meant a lot to me. I hope you don't mind a moment of indulgence as I sing it to you tonight, and besides, Kyle would never forgive me if I didn't get everyone weeping at some point in his honour!" she laughed ... "It's called 'The Love I Meant To Say'."

Derek's could barely contain his emotions as a solo guitarist in the orchestra began to play the opening chords, and his tears started to fall as Karen started to sing.

_"Over, I can't believe it's over_

_I can't believe the love I lived_

_To show some other day_

_Listen, I hope that you can hear me_

_As I kneel down and pray_

_With the love I meant to say_

_Shadows, you took away the shadows_

_Before you life was black and white_

_Though tonight the room's gone gray_

_Golden, all the love you gave was golden_

_Golden, I would gladly pay,_

_To show the love I meant to say"_

When she got to the falsetto Derek could hear her voice cracking with the emotion, and she was struggling to get her words out. The song spoke so much about their own relationship. He wondered if she was thinking about that. It was all he was thinking about. Every line she sang was what he wanted to say to her.

_"Ohhhhh music, you made me hear such music_

_Without you here to guide me,_

_I feel as though I'll fly away"_

Karen almost broke down at the beginning of the final verse, and right then Derek knew he needed to go to her, to comfort her. But just as he moved forwards he saw Josh join her on stage and begin singing the last few lines with her, to help her get through.

_"Sorry, that's the word I want to sing to you_

_The other word is 'stay'_

_To hear the love I meant to say"_

As she finished the song Josh moved towards her and took hold of her in a huge embrace. Derek could see she was sobbing. His own heart was bursting. In her moment of need she had chosen someone else. He didnt blame her. He was stupid to think he could come back and just make everything okay again. The audience was giving a standing ovation, swept along by the emotion of it all. There wasn't a dry eye in the house and Derek was no exception. His tears were still falling as he made his way outside into the chill air. He cursed that blasted song. He'd lost her for good before he had the chance to tell her how sorry he was. To ask her to stay. To tell her once more how much he loved her.

* * *

Karen stood crying in Josh's arms for what seemed like an eternity. The emotion of the occasion just completely consumed her. It was all too much. Everything that had happened in the last few years came flooding back to her as she sang. She almost couldn't get through the last few lines. She was so grateful to Josh for helping her through them.

"Thank you Josh" she whispered in his ear as they eventually broke apart. The audience was still cheering but Karen was oblivious.

"Josh? ... If things had been ..."

"Please don't say it Cartwright" Josh interrupted, gently lifting her chin with his thumb and forefinger to look at her. His own eyes were glistening. "You don't have to say anything else ... I understand" he smiled.

She nodded, and slowly leaned in to kiss Josh tenderly on the cheek.

"Whoever snags you is gonna be one lucky girl Joshua Jennings."

"Tell me something I don't already know" he winked.

Karen smiled. He really was something special. She took his hand and gripped it tight, and they bashfully turned to the audience and bowed, taking in the applause, before walking off the stage.

"That was wonderful" said a teary Julia, walking up to them. "Not a dry eye in the house. Of course trust Josh here to steal the limelight!" she laughed.

Karen couldn't help but smile. "Thanks Julia." She knew they needed to talk, to discuss what had happened, but now wasn't the time. Right now Karen just needed to get outside. To get some fresh air.

"I'm sorry guys, but please send my apologies for the finale." she said, practically sprinting out of the theater. She gulped in the chill air as she made her way out of the stage door and into the street.

"Oh Derek!" she cried to herself. "Where the hell are you?!"

Right then she knew she needed to be close to him, and that only meant one thing. She flagged down the nearest taxi and jumped inside.

"South Street Seaport please."


	23. Chapter 23

**AN: Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I've been so busy and also had a serious case of writer's block! I'll try and get the next chapter to you in the next day or so. Thanks for keeping reading and all your reviews, as always. :)**

* * *

The last time she'd come here they'd talked about one day having kids together. Karen smiled regretfully remembering how perfect the day had been. It all made sense to her now, his behaviour. He'd wanted to spend a special day with her before everything might change, and so he'd taken her to the place that meant more to them than anywhere else.

When she'd left New York after the trauma of what happened with Jimmy she'd no intention of ever coming back. But she hadn't banked on the strength of her love for Derek. She'd thought about him every day when she was back in Iowa, and when she finally got the courage to come back, but lost it again when she saw him at the party, she'd come here, to be close to him. He'd found her here then ... it was too much to hope he'd find her again now.

She shouldn't have left the concert like that, but she just needed to get away. She thought of Josh. Once again he'd been her rock tonight. She cared about him more than she could have ever imagined she could care for another man. She hadn't planned it, it had just happened. He'd only ever acted honourably toward her, and she hoped she hadn't hurt him. She'd meant what she'd said to him ... that if things had been different ... if she'd never met Derek. But she had met Derek, and she'd given her heart to him, and she missed him so much.

She sat there a long while, lost in thought, before she realised how much she was shivering. It was a chilly night and she wearing only the dress she'd been performing in. She looked around her. The place was deserted now, the restaurants and shops long since closed. It was a far cry from a few weeks back, when she and Derek had watched the world go by, planning their future. Well, at least she had. Little had she known that Derek was more likely praying for their future. She was so consumed in her own thoughts that she didn't notice the sound of footsteps behind her.

"Karen?!"

Her heart skipped a beat, as she span around in shock at the sound of the voice behind her, and stood up, only to be faced with the man she thought she might have lost forever.

"Derek!" was all she could manage.

He was staring at her in shock, rooted to the spot. He was wearing his favourite navy blue suit and skinny dusky purple tie. It was his 'special occasion' suit. Karen had bought it for him for Christmas last year. She had always thought he looked so handsome in it, and now was no exception. But despite his smart attire, he looked tired and drawn, And Karen's heart lurched at the sight of him. He was struggling to get his words out.

"Karen! ... what are you, ummm, I ... I'm sorry I ..."

"You're back!" she interrupted suddenly.

"Ummm, yes, I, I got back last night. Karen, I ..."

"Why?" she interrupted again, not daring to believe he'd come back for her. "Why are you here?"

"Because this is the place I always come to when I want to be close to you, and because I, because I've been an idiot. And because I want to explain to you the real reason I did what I did. And because I want you to, no, sorry ... because I hope you can forgive me ... because I'm hoping that maybe we can get back to where we were."

"You think quoting 'Hit List' songs is going to help?" she managed to joke.

Derek smiled. "Karen, I ..."

"I know Derek" Karen suddenly blurted out.

"What?"

"I know ... I know everything. Everything that happened ... your c-cancer."

Her voice broke as she said the word, and could see the realisation hit him, and his face began to crumple, as tears started to fall from his eyes. He suddenly slumped to the ground and broke down, his whole body racked with sobs. She'd never seen him like this before, and it shocked her. Scared her even. To her Derek had always been so sure of himself ... so strong. Yet here he was, so small. Like a little lost boy.

Her instincts kicked in and all she wanted to do right now was hold him, and comfort him. She rushed towards him and reached down to take him in her arms. For a second he flinched, as if he couldn't quite believe he was touching her again, but he soon relaxed into her and let go completely. He buried his face in the crook of her neck as she gently rubbed his back and stroked his hair.

"Ssshhhh" she said softly, as Derek's sobs continued. "I'm here now."

They sat like that a long time until Karen felt Derek still and she slowly released herself from their embrace and looked at him, their eyes locking.

"You're so stupid you know that?" she said, wiping away his tears with her thumb. "What the hell were you thinking, not telling me?"

"I thought I was protecting you ... "

"All you did was hurt me."

"I know. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness Karen, but truth is, I just don't think I'm strong enough to do this alone ... without you."

As she continued to stroke his face, all the fears, doubts she'd been feeling about whether or not she could ever forgive Derek suddenly disappeared. Here he was stripped bare before her, and all she felt was overwhelming love ... the need to look after him, whatever that meant. She ran her hands through his hair until she reached the spot where his scar was, running her finger along the edge. She leant in to kiss the spot, and she could feel Derek start at the sensation.

"You're gonna fight this, okay? And I'll be there alongside you, all the way. No more hiding things from me. No more of this silly idea you have in your head that you always need to protect me. It's my turn now to look after you. That's the deal we made, remember?"

He nodded, and she smiled at him gently moving in to kiss his lips. She'd missed his touch more touch more than she ever could have imagined.

"God I love you so much Karen Cartwright" he said, as they broke apart, and tears starting to fill his eyes again. "I don't deserve you."

"I love you too" she whispered ... " Come on" she said, as she dragged herself up off the cool ground and reached down to take his hand, pulling him up so that they were standing facing each other. "It's so cold. Let's go and get warm, have something to eat ... and then we can talk."

She knew there was still so much they needed to talk about. He nodded, as they turned to walk back to the main road. As they walked, hand in hand, she felt him intertwine his fingers with hers. He was holding on so tight she wasn't sure he'd ever be able to let go. She didn't want him to.


	24. Chapter 24

He led her quietly into his apartment, and immediately made his way to the drinks cabinet. He figured both of them needed one right now. He turned to see Karen hovering by the door, and he could sense her uncertainty. The cab journey over had been silent, both of them taking in the enormity of everything.

"You can come in you know ... this is your home Karen."

"Is it?" she said quietly.

"I hope so ... if you still want it to be" he said, trying to hide the panic in his voice.

She smiled and walked over to the sofa and sat down, exhausted by the day's events. He noticed her visibly wince and reach for her ribs as she sat and instinctively rushed over.

"Just take it easy okay! Are you still sore from the fall?" he asked softly, sitting next to her. He was still too nervous to touch her. It was amazing how he had shared his most intimate moments with her, yet here he was acting like a school kid on his first date.

"You know about that?!" She looked up at him, surprised.

He nodded. "Julia called me, the night you fell. I, I went to the hospital to see you. I was so worried Karen. Seeing you lying there, so helpless, it bought back so many memories.

A look of realisation crossed Karen's face. "You know, I felt you there with me, but Julia told me you'd left town already. I thought I must have been dreaming."

"She was trying to protect you. She tried to make me see sense but I was being my usual pig-headed self. Your fall made it clear to me, that I was just causing you more pain, and I knew I had to leave you. It was the hardest thing I ever did Karen, you have to believe me."

He could see the tears forming in her eyes and he wanted to reachout to touch her, but something was stopping him.

"I just, I just can't believe you couldn't have told me. I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other Derek. Do you know how much it hurts to know that when you needed me the most you pushed me away."

"I know. I just, I couldn't let you see me suffer. I didn't want you to go through the heartache my mum did through my father's illness. And then when you had your fall ... it was my fault Karen. It was my fault before and it was my fault again, and I knew I needed to get away, so you could get on with your life away from me and all the pain I was causing you."

"The only pain you were causing me Derek was because you couldn't be honest with me. And my fall was an accident. I wasn't concentrating and I fell, nothing more."

"But you fell because your head was all over the place, because of me ... Josh made that pretty clear to me!"

"Well at the time you were the big bad cheating director, and Josh was trying to protect me, so ..."

"He does a lot of that, protecting you." Derek couldn't help himself.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" she suddenly snapped.

"Nothing, nothing. I, just ... I was at the concert tonight. You were breathtaking Karen. Just stunning. I was so proud of you. And then, when you sang 'The Love I Meant To Say', it hit me right to the core. Every word you sang was everything I wanted to say to you. When I saw how much it was affecting you there was nothing I wanted more than to comfort you. I was on my way to the stage ... but then Josh came on and, and ..."

"And what?"

"It made me realise you might have given your heart to someone else. To Josh ... and I was ... I guess I was jealous!"

"You had no right to be jealous Derek!" she said angrily. "Isn't that what you wanted?! When you made me think you'd slept with that woman I thought you wanted me to hate you, to move on with my life. To move on from you."

"I did, I just ... I guess I hadn't planned on seeing you again, and when I did, with him, Josh of all people, it got to me."

"Seriously Derek, if this is going to turn into a Josh bashing session, save it! I wouldn't have gotten through all this without him, you know. So whatever you're trying to say, just don't."

"He's a player Karen!"

"No he isn't, and oh my god Derek, that's rich coming from you of all people!" said Karen incredulously, as she abruptly got up off the sofa, moving away from him. "Josh has been nothing but honourable."

"Oh, so honourable that he tried to sleep with you the first chance that he got!"

"Wow, you've got a nerve Derek! You wanna know the truth? ... the truth was it was me who threw myself at Josh, not the other way round. I was upset, lost, and I was attracted to him, and I needed him, and one thing led to another. Is that what you want to hear?"

"So you did sleep with him?"

"Not that it would be any of your business if I had, but no I didn't! I didn't sleep with him because for some reason it felt like I was betraying you, and the love that we had for each other ... Derek, I thought you'd slept with another woman. You led me to believe that. You were naked in bed with her! In our bed! Your plan worked as well because I was devastated, so don't ever think you can dictate how I should have felt or acted during that time!"

"Do you love him?" he suddenly asked. He knew he was being antagonising, making things worse, but he needed to know.

"What?!" she replied quietly, dangerously, staring down at him.

"It's a simple question Karen."

"Yeah and one you have no right to ask me. None whatsoever ... You know what? I think I should go. You're clearly not in the right frame of mind to talk about this now Derek. Get some rest and we can speak tomorrow."

Her tears were flowing now and immediately he regretted what he'd said as she turned away from him, moving towards the door. That self-destruct button once again! Karen was right, it was none of his business. He'd made it none of his business by his actions.

"Wait Karen, please! I'm sorry ... please don't go!" he pleaded, practically leaping off the sofa.

All of a sudden a searing pain shot through his head, and he instinctively clutched at it, screaming in agony. He couldn't make sense of anything, the pain was so overbearing. He collapsed back down onto the sofa, still clutching at his head. Everything was going blurry and he was finding it hard to process anything other than the agony he was feeling. When he finally came to his senses he realised he was in Karen's arms again, and she was whispering comforting words to him, trying to ease his pain.

"It's okay sweetheart, I'm here" he heard her say, and just him hearing her use that term of endearment again was almost too much for him. He squeezed her as tight as he could. He felt so safe in her arms.

"I'm so sorry" he managed to say.

"Ssshhh, it's okay. Everything will be okay"

"I'm scared Karen. Scared I might lose you again."

"You're not going to lose me. ... Derek, listen to me" she said softly, as she lifted his head gently, holding his face with her hands, looking deep into his eyes. "Listen to me. What Josh and I have, I don't know what it is if I'm being honest. I'm attracted to him. he makes me laugh, and I care for him so much. I, I do love him, I think. But that's the thing. It's you Derek who I'm _in _love him, not Josh. You! Its always been you. I've been trying to move on, but everything always comes back to you. When I sang 'The Love I Meant To Say' before, my mind was full of so many things ... but it was mainly full of you and the love we had, and the fact that I might not ever get the chance share it with you again. You're the love of my life Derek Wills. Please don't ever doubt that."

She leant in and gently kissed him on the lips, as if somehow it would seal the love she'd just declared for him. He closed his eyes, savouring the feel of her lips on his.

"Come on" she said softly, as she broke away from him. "Let's get you upstairs. You need to get some sleep."

He let her help him up, and leant into her for support as she slowly helped him up the stairs and into the bedroom. He sat down on the edge of the bed, as Karen helped him undress. She gently tucked him under the covers and tenderly kissed him on the head, running her fingers through his hair.

"Sleep well sweetheart. We can talk through everything tomorrow okay? You're going to be fine, I know it" she winked.

He smiled at her gratefully. She always made everything seem better.

"Will you stay with me?" he whispered, grabbing her hand.

She smiled and nodded. "I'm just going to go and call Ana, tell her what's happened. She'll be wondering what's become of me!"

She left the room and Derek closed his eyes. He was scared, but with Karen with him, to help him through, he knew he could get through this. She would give him the strength he needed. After a while he felt the duvet being pulled back and opened his eyes to see Karen crawling into their bed. She had changed into his old Cambridge University t-shirt.

"Hey! Just because you're wearing it doesn't make you as clever as me" he teased.

"You're not taking into account your recent levels of stupidity then" she joked.

"That's true" he laughed as she snuggled up to him, and lay her head on his chest, as he wrapped his arms around her and stroked her hair. It was so familiar it was almost easy to forget everything that had gone on before, and all the struggles ahead.

"I love you Karen Cartwright" he whispered. "I don't deserve you."

"I love you too ... and no you don't!" she teased.

He didn't know what his future held, but he knew it would be better with Karen in it.

* * *

**AN: That's not the end folks, so please keep reading! Lol**

**ETA: sorry a reviewer pointed out Derek went to Cambridge not Oxford. Got mixed up with him and Dev. I've updated! Thanks :)**


	25. Chapter 25

It had been nearly a week since Kyle's benefit and Karen had now moved back into Derek's apartment. Their apartment. The morning after she'd stayed over, the night they were reunited, as they lay in bed together Derek had opened up and told her everything. Everything that was going on inside his head. His thoughts, his fears. Why he acted the way he did. A part of Karen was still hurting that he had kept everything from her, but knowing Derek as she did, she did understand. She was just glad he'd come back and they could now deal with this together.

On the Monday they'd gone to see Dr Morris again, to talk everything through. Derek wanted Karen to know everything about the cancer, the operation he was going to have, and the treatment and care he'd need afterwards. It scared the life out of her, but right now she needed to be strong for Derek. She needed to be his shoulder to cry on during this time, because there were going to be tough moments ahead. She couldn't let him see the fear she was feeling inside her.

Afterwards they'd strolled through Central Park and talked about how they would deal with everything. They decided that they should try and keep things as normal as possible, and live their lives to the full. Try not to let this cancer overcome them. Derek's operation was booked in for two weeks later and they wanted to try and push it to the back of their minds as best they could, and just enjoy this time they had together.

"Hey sweetheart" she called, as she made her way into the apartment. "Where are you?"

"I'm in the kitchen" she heard Derek call, as she dumped her bags down and headed inside. He was sat at the kitchen counter, working on his laptop. "Hey gorgeous" she greeted him, planting a kiss on his lips. "How's your day been?"

"Okay. I had that Playbill interview. Trying to put right a few wrongs. I think it went okay. I was honest with them about everything that's happened. I'd rather just get it out there you know."

"You shouldn't have told them anything. It's none of their business."

"Yeah well I'm not having them think you're insane for taking me back. I'd rather they think I'm insane for my stupidity."

"Pretty sure they thought that already" she teased.

Derek laughed. "True, true. So how was the doctor's?"

"Good! He's given me the all clear to start back on 'Greed'!"

"That's great news. When's your first day back?"

"Well, I spoke to Marty. Everything's ticking over great, so he told me not to come back until after your operation."

"Karen, you don't have to ..."

"I'm not!" Karen interrupted. "But I'm going to be there for you after your surgery so it makes sense to wait until then to start back. Give the show some continuity. Non-negotiable Derek! I'm going to start back in rehearsals though. I need to get back into the swing of things, and get my fitness back. I've let myself go" she said, shaking her head.

"I don't know" Derek teased, as he grabbed Karen and pulled her onto his lap, grinning. "You're looking pretty good to me."

"You think?" Karen teased as she kissed Derek's neck, running her hands up the back of his t-shirt. "Well I can think of another way we can test those fitness levels."

She moved her hands down his back and back around his waist as she kissed him, nonchalantly brushing over his pants zipper as she unravelled herself from him, eliciting a groan.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"I'm just gonna go get changed into something more comfortable" she said, making her way up the stairs.

"You know what?" Derek said, as he got off the stool and started to chase her up the stairs. "I'm pretty sure your ribs are still pretty tender. You'll probably want a hand undressing" he smiled. "I mean, it's the gentlemanly thing to do."

They both ran into the bedroom laughing, falling onto the bed together, as Derek wrapped his arms around her, kissing her passionately.

"God you're so gorgeous" he murmured, as he peppered her with kisses, helping her remove her top, revealing a lacy black bra. "I'm pretty sure you need some assistance with this too." He deftly unclipped her bra, tossing it aside, and laid Karen back down, kissing her breasts and teasing them with his tongue.

"God Derek" she gasped, moving her hands to his pants and unbuttoning them, teasing him by rubbing her hand over his boxers. Derek's breath hitched at the sensation. Their want for each other was evident, as they began to exploring each other, planting kisses all over each other's bodies.

* * *

"Gentlemanly, huh?" Karen joked, as they lay intertwined, naked, breathing heavily and slowly coming down from their exertions. It was the first time they'd had sex since before Derek's diagnosis, and it had been full of raw passion, full of need. A release of everything that had built up the last few months.

"So, what do you want for dinner? I could cook us up some pasta"she said softly, idly running her fingers across his bare chest as he played with her hair.

"Pretty sure we just did dinner love, but if you want a second helping ..."

"Oh my god, you're so cheesy!" she laughed, playfully whacking him."

She looked at the man she loved and moved her hands to run her fingers through his messy hair and stroke his face as their eyes locked.

"I missed this" she whispered. "These moments, together. Thinking I'd never be able to share them with you again, that was the hardest thing."

She leaned in to lovingly kiss him on the lips, and suddenly the thought that she could lose him overwhelmed her.

"Hey, what's this about?" he said gently, wiping the tears that had started to trickle down her face.

"What if I'm not strong enough Derek? To help you through this. I know I said ..."

"Hey, hey, listen to me!" he said soothingly. "You're so strong Karen. You only need to look at how you've come through everything that happened these past few years. It would have broken so many people but you came out the other side the same girl you always were ... strong, generous, kind. I'm just sorry I couldn't see that myself until it was nearly too late."

He rubbed her face tenderly as Karen quietly nodded.

"And you know why else I know you're strong enough? Because for the past week I've felt this burden lifted off me. It's like knowing I've got you with me is half the cure already. I haven't felt this good in a long time." he smiled. "It's all because of you Karen."

"Now come on" he said. "No more tears. Let's go and have some dinner. I've actually prepared something for us already Miss Cartwright. Good old British roast lamb"

"Oh god!" groaned Karen, laughing.

"Hey! How am I going to get better if you don't let me try?"

Karen laughed. "Okay okay, do your worst! But no special treatment just because you're sick Derek. If its inedible you don't get a pass" she teased.

"I wouldn't have it any other way" he smiled. He slid out of the bed, pulling Karen out with him. Why don't you go and have a shower while I check how my masterpiece is getting along in the oven!"

"Ummm, are you sure you actually turned the oven on? I didn't smell anything cooking when I came in."

"Oh crap!" Derek exclaimed making his way out of the room until Karen grabbed his hand, stopping him in his tracks."

"Hold your horses Gordon Ramsey!" she laughed. "The 'masterpiece' can wait. Pretty sure, if memory serves, our shower's big enough for two" she winked, pulling him towards the bathroom.

"Oh well, if you insist darling" Derek grinned, "lead the way!"


	26. Chapter 26

"Okay, that's it for today. Good work everyone, and Karen it's great to have you back."

"Thanks Marty. Good to be back" Karen smiled.

It was her first day back in rehearsals and even though it had been a tough session, she loved every second of it. It was also a little bit of a release for her. A time to just lose herself in the performance again. She hadn't realised how much she'd missed that feeling.

Something had changed though between her and Josh. On the surface he was still the same cheeky charming self, but there was something missing between them. That easy banter they shared.

"Hey!" Karen said, making her way over to Josh at the end of the session. "Good day huh?"

"Yeah it was. Good to have you back Cartwright."

"Thanks Josh."

She looked at him, but he was busy packing his bag, avoiding her gaze.

"Josh?"

"Yeah Cartwright?"

"I just ... I ... Josh are we okay?"

He looked up, clearly surprised at the question.

"Course we are. Why wouldn't we be?"

"I don't know. Just after everything that's happened. I just ..."

"Hey, we're friends right? Friends. Just like we've always been."

"Sure" Karen smiled. "I just ..."

"I think you've got a visitor" Josh suddenly interrupted, gesturing towards the door and she span around to see Derek walking towards them.

"Hey gorgeous" he said, kissing her gently on the lips. "Good day?"

"Yeah great. It's so good to be back. I'm way off the pace though" she laughed. "Josh has been pretty patient considering I mucked up about 15 times!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself Cartwright. It was only 14 times" Josh grinned. "Hi Derek. Good to see you."

"Thanks Josh" Derek smiled.

"Well seeing as this is the politest I've ever seen you two together, I'm going to trust you to behave while I go and get my bag and have a quick word with Marty" Karen laughed. "Won't be long."

Josh watched Karen as she made her way over to the producer. Truth was, he was struggling. He'd never allowed himself to believe he and Karen could be anything more than friends, but he couldn't help the way he felt either ... the way she made him feel. He'd fallen for her hard these past few weeks, he couldn't deny it. And just now, as he'd watched Derek tenderly kiss Karen, a pang of jealousy shot through him. He was in love with her.

Where normally he'd flirt with Karen and jokingly tease her, he hadnt been able to do that today. Things had changed the night of Kyle's benefit. It was what wasnt said that mattered. Of course Karen had picked up on it today, however hard he'd tried to act normally. But he couldn't be the same with her feeling the way he did. He didn't know what to do. He didn't blame Karen. She'd never asked anything more from him than friendship. Of course there was their moment of passion ... but Karen was hurting at the time, not thinking straight, and he couldn't be mad at her for that.

He was suddenly stirred from his thoughts when he realised Derek was talking to him.

"Sorry Derek, I was in another world."

"That's the effect she has on people" Derek smiled knowingly.

"Look Derek, if this is going to be an ..."

"No it's not. Just hear me out okay. Look Josh, I know you and I haven't always seen eye to eye, but, well, things have changed now, and I guess I'm not soooo stubborn that i cant realise when I've been a bit of a prick where you've been concerned so, well, I ummm, just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"Oh my god! The great Derek Wills ... apologising!" Josh joked.

"yeah well ... remember this day, cos it won't happen again!" Derek smiled. "I also wanted to thank you"

"Thank me? For what?"

"For being there for Karen. I know how tough I made things for her, but I'm so grateful for everything that you did for her. After, well, you know, and then with her accident. She told me how she wouldn't have gotten through it without you. She cares about you Josh. She cares about you a lot."

"Well we're friends, and that's what friends do for each other."

Derek simply smiled. "Josh, I love Karen more than anything. All I want for her is to be happy, and well, put it this way, there's a chance I might not get through th ..."

"Derek, please, you don't ..."

"No I do. I do have to say this. Look Josh, I know this is asking a lot, but, if, well you know ... if I knew that you'd be there for her, in case ..."

"Of course I'll be there for her Derek, you don't need to ask. Like I said, we're friends. You know I think the world of Karen."

"That's not entirely what I meant Josh"

"Wow, still both in one piece!" Karen suddenly interrupted, walking towards them with a big smile on her face. "Everything okay?"

"Sure!" said Josh. "Derek was just apologising to me for being such a prat!"

"Don't push your luck Jennings!" Derek smiled. "You ready to go sweetheart?"

"Yeah all done. See you tomorrow Josh. Break a leg tonight."

"Will do. Good to have you back Cartwright."

"Thanks."

He watched as Derek and Karen made their way out. His mind immediately went to what Derek had just said. "That's not entirely what I meant Josh." What exactly did he mean by that?

* * *

"What were you and Josh talking about earlier?" Karen asked, as she and Derek sat at the kitchen counter, finishing off their dinner.

"Oh, nothing much. Boy chat. He's not allllllll bad I guess."

Karen smiled. "Thank you Derek"

"For what?"

"You know what!" Karen said, leaning across the table to kiss him.

"Karen?" he asked, as she began clearing the plates away from the table.

"Yeah?"

"You know we need to talk about this."

"About what?"

"About what happens if ... if I don't ... well if something happens during surgery."

Karen could feel her heart start to race. She couldn't deal with this now. She couldn't think about the possibility she might lose him. Not yet. She didn't reply as she rushed to the kitchen and began throwing things into the dishwasher.

"Karen?" he said, as he came to stand behind her and gently put his arms around her. "We can't pretend this isn't a possibility you know."

"I'm not pretending" she said, her voice trembling. "But that's all it is Derek, a small possibility, nothing more. You're going to be fine."

"Karen? Karen, look at me sweetheart."

She did as he said, and turned to face him, as he gently stroked her face and kissed her on the forehead.

"You know I'd pray to anyone who'll listen if it means me coming out of this okay. And I'm going to fight harder than I've ever fought for anything, but ... Karen, listen to me darling. You've made me so happy. I don't think you'll ever realise how much. I wasn't really living until I met you. Whatever happens, I'm just so grateful for this time we had together..."

"Oh my god Derek! Just stop talking in the past tense will you. You're acting like you're dead already."

She couldn't handle this, and moved to push past him, but he grabbed her hand to stop her.

"Karen"

"Please Derek, just stop" she said, as she sprinted up the stairs and ran to the bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She lay on the bed, tears flowing. She couldn't think about this now.

After a while she heard him open the door, and felt him lie down on the bed behind her.

"I'm sorry Karen" he said, as he wrapped his arm around her and took her hand in his. "I just, I can't go into surgery without knowing you'll be okay. I need to know that, god forbid, if anything did happen, you'll get through it. I need you to stay strong. You're my rock Karen, but I need you to be strong even if I'm not here ... okay?"

"Okay?" he asked again.

She slowly turned over to face him, and ran her fingers through his hair.

"Okay" she whispered, her voice still shaking. "I love you so much Derek."

"I love you too darling."

He wrapped her in his arms and held her tight. She felt so secure in his arms, she didn't want him to ever let go. Derek was right. She did need to accept that there was a possibility he might not make it through the surgery, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it yet. She wasn't ready to say goodbye.

* * *

**AN: thanks for continuing to read everyone. So I'm at that point where I've kind of got to make a decision where this story goes. I basically have 2 scenarios in my mind, but I'm so torn because the story I'm leaning towards is the tougher one to write, even if I think it makes for a better, and maybe more realistic story. And then the other scenario is maybe the more predictable but also bittersweet in a way. I don't know what to do, lol! Please keep reading though. All your reviews make this really worthwhile, thank you :) **


	27. Chapter 27

"We should get going" said Derek, as he sat cuddling Karen at their favourite spot. It was the day before Derek's surgery, and as aware as they both were at how cliche it was, they didn't want to spend their day together anywhere else. Derek's mum was coming over from England for a few days, and though her flight was getting in late, they wanted to have time to go back to their apartment and freshen up before heading to JFK to pick her up.

Karen's parents had wanted to fly over too, but Karen had insisted they stay in Iowa, and that she had enough support around her and Derek. She'd had to inflict enough hospital visits on them in the past few years, and didn't want to worry them more. Besides, Derek wanted to keep everything as low key as possible.

"Do we have to?" pleaded Karen. "Just a little bit longer."

She'd been quiet for most of the day, nervous even, but Derek had put it down to her apprehension about tomorrow. Karen had been his rock since he came back. He knew she was worried that she wasn't being strong enough for him, but as far as he was concerned she couldn't have been any stronger. She didn't have to cut off her emotions to be the support that he needed, and the honesty of everything Karen did, and how she just couldn't hide her feelings, was one of the many reasons he loved her so much.

Even before he'd come back to New York Derek had come to terms with the fact that he might not come through this challenge, of not just the cancer but also the surgery. He guessed he was already at the stage of 'acceptance'. Of course he was scared about what might happen, and he didn't want to die, even less so knowing living meant a life with Karen. But he was at peace with everything. If it was his time then it was his time.

It was Karen he was worried about. He wasn't sure she'd yet allowed herself to acknowledge that after tomorrow he might not be coming home. He knew that if he made it through the surgery she'd be there for him through the treatment and pain that would follow, whatever the outcome, but he was more worried about the present. Her happiness was all he cared about. He knew that her family, his mum, their friends, would be there for her 100%, but he wanted more for her than that. She was so young still, and he couldn't bear the thought that she might not ever find love again, and a girl like Karen deserved to be happy.

He'd thought a lot about Josh these last few days. That Josh loved Karen was undeniable, and if Derek didn't know already, he knew it for sure when he saw the way Josh had looked at her the other day at rehearsal. He recognised it, because it was the way he used to look at her too during Hit List rehearsals, back when she was with Jimmy. Unrequited love.

It was also undeniable that Karen cared about Josh deeply, which was why he'd wanted to speak to him. Maybe he was being selfish asking Josh to be there for Karen. No maybes, he _was _being selfish_._ He knew it was unfair to ask that of anyone, especially Josh with the way he felt about her, but that was precisely why he had asked him. He'd seen enough of their relationship to think that, to hope that, without him in the picture, maybe Karen could find love again with Josh.

"Okay, 10 more minutes then" Derek said, kissing Karen lovingly on the temple. "Penny for your thoughts darling? You've been awfully quiet today."

"Oh, I was just thinking about everything we've been through these past few years. Sometimes it feels like God just doesn't want us to be together" she chuckled.

"Well then sod God!" Derek exclaimed, eliciting a smile from Karen.

"How are we together again?" she laughed. "We're like chalk and cheese!"

"Well for me it's easy. How could anyone not love you Miss Cartwright! You on the other hand, I have no idea what you were thinking!" he joked. "Oh and by the way, if I did believe in God, then I'd be high fiving him for giving me the girl of my dreams. And you're wrong too!"

"Oh I am am I?"

"Yes you are. I think God does want us to be together. Just look at all these obstacles he's thrown at us along the way, and yet here we still are. A lesser love wouldn't have survived."

"Oh my God" Karen laughed. "You're not Nicholas Sparks in disguise are you?!"

"Yeah well, this is what happens to men when their girlfriends make them watch 'The Notebook' over and over and over and over and over and over" he joked, as she laughed, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist.

"Thank you for making today so perfect Karen" he said after a while. "I couldn't have asked for a better day before ... well, you know."

"I know" she whispered. "The thing is Derek" she said, suddenly breaking away from him. "I was kind of, ummm, hoping that today might, maybe, ummm, might maybe be even more special."

Derek looked at Karen in confusion as she began rummaging around in her bag, and he could see how fidgety and nervous she was.

"Karen, are you okay?" he said, an amused tone to his voice.

"Yeah, just, I" ...

She suddenly found whatever it was she was looking for and reached to grab both of his hands in hers, turning to face him. He could see her eyes glistening.

"Derek. The thing is, I kind of had this all planned out, but then you didn't want any fish and chips, and that's where I was going to hide it, and then I wasn't sure if I should even do it, because well, the timing sucks, and maybe it was a sign, you know, especially when you didn't want the fish and chips, and then ...

"Karen, Karen, stop!" he laughed "What on earth are you talking about? Hide what?"

"This!" she suddenly whispered, as she opened her hand, revealing a man's platinum ring, causing Derek to take a sharp intake of breath, as he stared in shock, first at the ring, and then at Karen.

"Derek?" she said, looking him straight in the eyes, her voice shaking, as she held the ring in her trembling fingers. "I know this is probably not the best time, but hey, at least it isn't tech!" she joked. "Derek, I, I love you, and, and, if you want me to be, then, well, I'd love to be your wife. Whatever the future holds, I want us to live it as Mr and Mrs Wills, with you by my side. I love you forever sweetheart ... will you marry me?"

Derek was stunned as he looked at the woman he loved, her eyes full of hope and fear, and his own emotions suddenly got the better of him, as tears started to fall down his face, and he buried his head in his hands trying to compose himself. It was all too much.

"I'm sorry Derek" he heard Karen say softly, as she reached for his face and began to wipe away his tears. "I'm sorry, I knew the timing was terrible."

"Well then, we're both bad at timing then" he laughed through his tears, as he composed himself enough to lift his head to look at her, as he reached into his own pocket and pulled out a small black box, opening it to reveal a stunning, diamond solitaire ring.

"Oh my god" was all Karen could manage.

"I've, I've been carrying it around in my pocket for the past week. I was just waiting for the perfect moment. What I wasn't going to do was stick it in a fish and chips cone!" he laughed. "I think part of why I haven't asked you before now is because deep down I've never quite felt that I deserve you."

He looked at the woman that he loved, himself reaching out this time to wipe away her tears that were flowing down her face.

"Don't ever think that Derek! You're the best man I know" she whispered as she reached for his him, and pulled him close to her, and they kissed each other passionately. When they finally broke apart they held each other for a long time, resting their foreheads together, as Karen cupped Derek's face with her hands, and he placed his own hands over hers.

"I love you so much Karen Cartwright. And yes ... I will marry you. I'd marry you right now if I could!"

"Steady" Karen laughed, kissing him tenderly on the lips again. "My mom would kill me! Oh, and for the record, if you'd asked me first I'd have probably told you I need to think about it!" she teased.

"You little fibber" he laughed, grabbing her and tickling her, until she stopped him with another kiss. They fumbled to put the rings on each other's fingers, both still shaking from the emotion of the past few minutes, as Karen wrapped herself around her fiancé once more, and they sat contentedly, their lives and bodies intertwined.

"Derek?" Karen said quietly after a while. "I'll be okay you know. I know you think I'm in denial about tomorrow, but I'm not. It's just that, well, when you love someone like I love you, the thought that tomorrow might ... well, you know ... it just terrifies me. But I will be okay. You need to know that. I'll be okay because I'll always have the love we shared to get me through ... okay?

"Okay" he whispered, kissing her on the temple and stroking her hair.

"But I'm not planning on going anywhere. Waste of a good ring!" he teased. "I know these next few weeks, months, years maybe, will be tough, but I want you to know, I've never been happier or more content than I have been with you these past few weeks."

"Me either" Karen whispered. "Come on" she said, standing and pulling Derek up with her. "Let's go home."


	28. Chapter 28

She'd hardly slept a wink all night through worry. It amazed her that Derek could sleep so soundly. She looked over at him and gently stroked his face, running her fingers through his hair. She leaned in to kiss him softly on the forehead, careful not to wake him. He needed as much rest as possible.

They'd picked up Ruth, Derek's mother, from the airport yesterday evening and brought her back to the apartment where they'd had a nice, quiet meal, chatting until tiredness had set in, and Ruth had taken herself to bed. She'd barely made it through the front door before Karen couldn't wait any longer and they'd excitedly told her about their engagement. Ruth was thrilled. "About bloody time Derek" she kept saying, as they cracked open a bottle of fizz to celebrate, and Karen rang her own parents to tell them the news.

Karen was glad to have Ruth around. She was good company, and she, more than anyone, knew what both Derek and Karen were going through right now. Karen knew she'd be a great support in the coming days. Derek hadn't wanted her to make the trip over, thinking it would be too painful for her, but it was Karen who had persuaded him.

"Derek, she's your mom, and she loves you, and you and I both know she's probably the strongest woman around ... she'd need to be to cope with you growing up" she teased. "I bet teenage Derek was an absolute nightmare!"

"Hey! I was the perfect son" Derek smiled, like butter wouldn't melt.

"Sure you were" Karen smiled, rolling her eyes.

"Well" said Derek, as he'd wrapped his arms around Karen and pulled her in for a kiss. "I just needed to find my perfect girl to tame me."

"I'm not sure I've ever managed to tame you." Karen replied. "Especially not this hair" she laughed, as she'd ran her fingers through it, ruffling it up. "Seriously Derek, when did you last get it cut?"

"Well I figured there's no point seeing as they'll shave it off anyway before the operation."

"Noooooo" whined Karen "I'm not gonna let them. Your hair is my therapy" she'd laughed.

Last night as they'd lain in bed together they'd just held each other and talked. Not about the operation or Derek's illness, but about the wedding, Broadway, Iowa, London. Anything but about today. Nothing more needed to be said about that.

After a while Karen had kissed him tenderly on the lips and softly run her finger across the scar on his head. "Make love to me Derek" she had whispered, and Derek totally understood, as their bodies had become one and they'd looked into each other's eyes as he'd gently rocked her. It was as tender and a loving moment they'd ever shared together. It was perfect.

Karen looked at her sleeping fiancée. His messy hair made him look more adorable than ever, and she couldn't help but run her hands through it again. She couldn't believe today had come already. After today everything would change. The surgery was just going to be the start of a long fight, but she knew the only way they'd get through this was to take everything one day at a time. The future would take are of itself.

She quietly slipped out of the bed, threw on some shorts and a tank top, and made her way downstairs into the kitchen. Ruth was already up, sitting at the counter, reading the paper, coffee in hand.

"Morning Ruth" Karen smiled. "I thought you'd be having a well earned lie in after your flight."

"Morning lovely" Ruth replied, returning the smile. "And are you kidding me?! I was awake at 3am - still on London time. There's a pot of coffee on the counter. Nice and strong. None of this weak rubbish you Americans love to drink."

Karen smiled at her mother in law to be's candidness. "Well, that's the good thing about living with a Brit. Good strong coffee, and I'm even partial to a hot cup of tea every now and then!"

"I'm telling you" Ruth smiled. "If Americans drank tea in the quantity us Brits do, half of your country's problems would be sorted by now."

Karen laughed. She'd always liked Ruth, and could see so much of her in Derek. Karen admired her for coming through everything the way she had, whilst also having to raise a family. It couldn't have been easy.

"So how are you doing Karen?" Ruth asked after a while, as Karen joined her at the kitchen counter. "And I mean, how are you _really_ doing?"

"I'm okay, thanks." Karen replied, sincerely. "Terrified about today, but I know I need to be strong for Derek ... he will be okay won't he Ruth?" she said, voice shaking.

"Of course he will! Let me tell you something about my boy. When he gets something in his head he's going to damn well see it through, no matter what. His name comes under 'stubborn' in the dictionary. And right now he's got someone he wants to fight for, to live for ... you."

"I don't think I can take the credit" Karen smiled.

"Well you should, because it's true. You don't know how many years I spent worrying about him. I've always been so proud of his success but so frustrated that he would never open himself up to anyone. After his father died he closed himself off from all that. I guess he didn't want to let himself love so deeply again. I'm just so glad he finally opened up for you. That's the strength of the love he has for you Karen ... Thank you."

"For what?"

"For making my boy so happy again. You've such a good heart Karen. I'm so happy to call you my future daughter in law."

"Thank you Ruth" Karen smiled, tears in her eyes, as she hugged Ruth tightly. "Anyway, it's me who should be thanking you. When I found out about Derek's cancer, I thought I'd lost him forever. I knew I needed to try and find him, but I wasn't sure he even wanted to be found. Thank you for sending him back to me."

"Yeah well, sometimes all he needs is his mum who knows best to talk some sense into him" Ruth laughed. "That boy can infuriate me sometimes!"

"Well you're not the first person who's ever said that!" Karen laughed.

They looked up to see Derek making his way into the kitchen, smile on his face.

"I think my ears are burning! I don't even want to know what you two are gossiping about! Morning mum" he said, kissing Ruth gently on the cheek. "Morning sweetheart" he said, winking at Karen and tenderly giving her a peck on the lips.

"Sleep well?" Karen smiled.

"Great actually" Derek replied. "I had a lovely dream that the girl of my dreams had asked me to marry him" he grinned.

"Okay, that's it!" Karen laughed. "I'm going to ask the doctor today to take out that bit of your brain that comes out with such cheese!"

* * *

"I bloody hate hospitals" Derek grumbled, as he sat up on his hospital bed, waiting for the nurses to come and take him down to the operating theatre. "And don't even get me started on this bloody gown!"

"Awww, I happen to think you look very sexy in a dress" Karen teased, as she leaned in to kiss him. "Although, I'm not sure I'll be saying the same thing when I see you with all your hair shaved off!"

"Oh my God! Sometimes I swear you only go out with me because of my hair!" Derek laughed.

"It's a big reason, not gonna lie" Karen grinned, as she jokingly ruffled his hair again.

Doctor Morris had just left them, telling Derek she'd see him after surgery, taking away the form he'd just signed. His life was in the hands of someone else now, and he hated that feeling of loss of control.

"You're in good hands Derek. The best" said Karen, reaching out to stroke Derek's face. It was as if she knew exactly what he was thinking.

"I know" he said, smiling at her reassuringly. "God I love you Karen Cartwright" he suddenly said, leaning in to hold Karen's face in his hand as he kissed her tenderly.

"I love you too" she whispered, unable to stop the tears that began to fall down her face.

"Hey hey! No more tears okay?" Derek said softly, wiping them away with his thumb. "You be strong, you hear me?"

"It's me who should be saying that to you!" Karen laughed through her tears.

He kissed her again, before reaching to take her hand in his own, rubbing his thumb over her engagement ring. He then took his own ring off, pressing it into Karen's hand.

"Look after this for me" he asked, as she closed her hand around it tightly, nodding silently. She kissed him once more. It was long and lingering, and full of the love they shared, and she didn't want it to ever end. She didn't want to let him go.

They were suddenly interrupted by two male nurses arriving to take Derek down, and pulled away from each other quickly, a red blush flashing across Karen's face.

"It's okay" one of the nurses smiled. "Nothing we haven't seen before!"

Karen laughed, and turned back to her fiancée, their eyes locking.

"I'll be right here when you wake up, okay?" she said quietly, smiling reassuringly at him, stroking his face.

"I can't wait" he replied, as the nurses began to wheel him away, and Karen was forced to release her hand from his.

When he was gone she slumped in the chair. She was all alone now, numb. She didn't know what to do, she felt so helpless. She knew she had to be strong for Derek, but all she really felt like doing was crawling into a ball and crying. She opened her hand and looked at the ring, running her fingers across the smooth metal. She closed her eyes and gently kissed it, praying to anyone who'd listen to bring him back safely to her.

* * *

**AN: Thanks for continuing to read everyone. I'm still torn with how the story's gonna go, but I at least have 2 diff scenarios in my head now, both of which I think make pretty decent stories.**

**Also, I've added another chapter to the 'HSW naughty bits' story as continuation of Karen and Derek making love in this chapter, so if you're into the smut, I hope you enjoy, lol!**


	29. Chapter 29

"We should have heard something by now. Why aren't they telling us anything?"

"They will sweetheart, just as soon they can."

Karen and Ruth hadn't moved from the waiting room for hours, anxious for news of Derek and Karen was struggling to stay calm the longer she waited. Ana had been in earlier and was her usual godsend, but had had to rush off for a late rehearsal.

"Girl can you tell Derek to get his ass better now and get back to 'Cabaret' immediately! Stefan is a nightmare! He makes Derek seem like a puppy. Do you know what a scary thought that is?!"

Karen couldn't help but laugh. "I'll do my best. Thanks for coming today. It means a lot."

"I wouldn't be anywhere else girl. Remember this when you're picking your bridesmaids!"

"I knew there was an ulterior motive!" Karen laughed ... "You know you're top of my list Ana" she said, hugging her best friend tightly.

"I think I'm going to go and get some fresh air" Ruth suddenly said, squeezing Karen's hand reassuringly. "I think you should come out too darling, it'll do you good."

"I'm fine, really Ruth, thank you." Karen smiled. "I just want to be here for when he come comes out of surgery."

She watched Ruth leave and was amazed at her fortitude. Karen wouldn't have blamed her if this had been too much for her and she had stayed in England, but nothing was going to stop her being there for her son, however painful this must be for her.

Karen was suddenly stirred from her thoughts by a tentative knock at the door and looked up to see Julia standing there.

"Not disturbing anything am I?"

"No" Karen smiled. "Just sitting, waiting."

"Ana told me Derek's surgery was today" Julia said as she came to sit next to Karen. "I wanted to come. I hope that's okay? I care about you, both of you."

"Of course it's okay" Karen said. "I'm sorry, I should have told you. I just ... "

"It's okay, I understand. I don't blame you Karen."

"Well you should. I, I haven't been fair to you Julia and I'm sorry. I've been wanting to apologise, to come see you, but the longer I left it the harder it was. I know you did what you thought was for the best, and Derek can be pretty persuasive" she smiled, her eyes getting watery.

"I'm so sorry Julia. Can you forgive me? I've missed you, especially now."

"There's nothing to forgive sweetie" Julia laughed, pulling Karen into a hug. "And you don't need to go through any of this alone. We're all here for you, okay?"

"Okay" Karen answered gratefully.

"Have you heard anything yet?" Julia asked.

"No, but he's been in there 5 hours already. I can't lose him Julia, I can't!" Karen said, emotion overcoming her as Julia reached out for her again, and Karen began quietly sobbing.

"Remember a couple of years ago, when Jimmy? ... well of course you remember" Julia smiled. "Your injury was so bad, you'd lost so much blood, the doctors told us to prepare for the worst. As we sat in the waiting room, I remember looking around at all the people that loved you - your parents, friends, Ana ... Derek. I didn't realise the extent of his love for you until that moment. But I knew then that if you were going to pull through it was going to be because of the strength of everyone's love for you."

"I don't think I'd have pulled through without Derek. Not just then, but everything that was going at the time. He saved me. I wish I didn't feel so helpless now, when he needs me most."

"Just you being there for Derek. The love you have for him. That's what's going to give him the strength to get through this."

"If only it was that simple" Karen laughed quietly. "If that was all it took then no one would get sick."

"Yeah well, you two are my Broadway fairytale couple. The beautiful ingenue who tamed the Dark Lord! And I've always believed in happy endings!

"Says the woman who wrote for 'Bombshell' and 'Hit List'" laughed Karen.

They were suddenly interrupted by Doctor Morris entering the room, and Karen leapt up in anticipation.

"Doctor Morris, how is he?!

"Karen, let's sit down."

"No I don't want to sit" Karen said, starting to panic. "Please just tell me."

"We managed to remove most of the tumor cleanly, but the size of it resulted in some complications and some heavy bleeding. We've now managed to control it, but Derek is very weak. He's in recovery now, and we're going to keep him heavily sedated whilst we monitor the pressure on his brain. He'll then be moved to the neurology ICU where we can monitor him closely over the next few days."

"So he's going to be okay?"

"It's too early to say Karen" Doctor Morris smiled reassuringly. "But given the size of the tumor this was the best we could have expected. The next few hours are critical though"

"Can I see him, please?"

"Just as soon as he's moved to the Neurology ICU we'll let you know. He's a strong man Karen, but you need to know, this is just the beginning. His real treatment starts now."

"I know ... thank you doctor, for everything."

"Okay, well I'll have the nurse come and take you to him as soon as he's ready. We only allow one visitor at a time in the ICU unit."

"See!" said Julia, as Doctor Morris left, "Just like she said. He's a fighter!"

* * *

"Now remember" the ICU doctor said to Karen, as she led her through to Derek's room. "Mr Wills is intubated which means the respirator is helping him breathe, and he has a lot of tubes attached to him so we can monitor him. Please don't be alarmed when you see him. It's all to make him better."

The only thing breaking the silence of the room as Karen walked in was the slow rhythm of the respirator, and the beeping of the heart monitor. Everything else was so still. Derek was so still. Karen took a sharp intake of breath when she saw him. Despite the warnings of the doctor she wasn't prepared for how he would look. She almost didn't recognise him. His head was wrapped with a large bandage, and he was covered in tubes which Karen knew was to make him better, but the sight unnerved her. More than anything else it was the stillness. He seemed so small and helpless lying there.

"Hi sweetheart" she said gently as she sat in the chair next to his bed, taking his hand in hers, her voice shaking. "The doctor said everything went great. You've just got to stay strong, okay? You hear me? ... You did so good sweetheart. I love you so much."

She lifted Derek's hand and gripped it in her own hands, kissing it tenderly. "You know, this is probably the quietest I've ever seen you. And sleeping doesn't count because of your snoring!" she laughed. "I tell you what, you get better and you can snore all you like when you get home!"

As Karen sat quietly with her fiancée her mind went back to those days after Kyle died, when she was struggling badly, and Derek had told her he would be there for her no matter what. He'd been willing to take a bullet for her! She knew it was her turn now, and she was scared. Scared that she wouldn't be as strong for him that he was for her. She was determined though. Whatever sacrifices, she'd make them for Derek.

"How's my boy doing?"

Karen was so lost in thought she hadn't realised Ruth had joined her in the room.

"He's so still. It's unnerving!" Karen laughed. "Here you take my seat Ruth. I'm sorry, I've been hogging him for the past hour!" Karen smiled. "Sweetheart" she whispered in Derek's ear. "I'm going to pass you over to your mom for a bit. She'll sort you out, so just make sure you listen to her okay?!"

She kissed him tenderly on the cheek and got up to hug Ruth, before making her way back to the visitor room. She was exhausted, physically and emotionally, but she wasn't going to leave until she knew Derek was out of danger. She smiled when she saw Josh sitting in the room, waiting for her.

"Thank god you're back Cartwright! I think it was my bad jokes that drove Derek's mom away!"

"Josh!" Karen smiled, rushing to hug her friend. "I'm so glad you're here. You didn't need to come. I didn't expect to see ..."

"Of course I needed to come" Josh said. "How's he doing?"

"He's staying strong" Karen said, her voice cracking, forcing a smile.

"Come on you" said Josh. "I'll bet you haven't eaten a thing all day. Let's go and check out the gourmet offerings in the canteen. Derek's safe with his mom, and you need to look after yourself too."

"Okay" said Karen, knowing Josh wouldn't take no for an answer. "Let me just go and tell Ruth where I'll be."

Josh watched Karen leave. Of course he wanted Derek to be okay, but whatever happened he'd be there for Karen. He cared too much for her. He'd been thinking a lot about what Derek has said to him. "That's not what I meant." A part of him was angry that Derek had put him in that position, knowing the way he felt. But he'd also asked him for a reason. Derek was trusting Karen's future happiness in his hands if he didn't make it, and he wouldn't let her down.

"Okay, ready?" Karen said, making her way back into the room.

"Ready" Josh replied, as he took Karen's hand and they made their way out.


	30. Chapter 30

**AN: Hey guys. So sorry it's taking me a while to update these chapters. It's been a manic month or so with work, but I'm def still committed to seeing this story through to the end, so I hope you carry on reading and enjoying. I've finally worked out my ending too, which is all I'm going to say! lol :)**

* * *

It was a struggle to open his eyes, they felt so heavy. It took a while to focus, to realise where he was, until he saw her. Karen was asleep, her head resting next to him, her hand lightly placed over his. Just seeing her there put him at ease, made him feel safe.

He moved his thumb to gently stroke Karen's. she looked so peaceful, he didn't want to wake her, but she must have sensed the movement and began to stir.

"Hey sleepyhead" Derek whispered, his throat dry and raspy, smiling as he saw Karen wake up, and look at him with her big brown eyes. She was more beautiful to him than ever. Her eyes widened when she saw him, her face overcome with concern, but mostly relief.

"Hey sweetheart" she whispered quietly, her hand reaching out to touch his face. "You're awake."

He nodded. His head throbbed and he instinctively reached up to touch it, but was stopped by Karen, who grabbed his hand.

"Be careful sweetheart. Don't hurt yourself"

"I must look awful" Derek whispered.

"No way. You're like my Bruce Willis now" Karen grinned, as she leaned in and kissed his gently, tenderly on the lips. "I'm just going to press the call button for the doctor, okay We've been waiting for you to wake up."

"How long have I ..."

"5 days" Karen smiled. "Just took a little time for everything to settle down ... but Doctor Morris is pleased with how everything has gone." she said reassuringly.

Karen pressing the alarm had alerted the staff and it wasn't long before the on-duty Neurology ICU Doctor came in, together with 2 nurses.

"Mr Wills! Glad to have you back" he smiled. "We were starting to worry we might have to give Miss Cartwright her own room. She hasn't left your side. Miss Cartwright, would you mind giving us a few moments while we check Mr Wills."

"Of course" Karen replied. "I'll won't be far sweetheart" she said, leaning in gently to kiss Derek on the forehead before heading out.

Karen rushed to the bathroom, locking herself in the nearest cubicle, slumping to the ground. She couldn't hold in her emotions any longer as she buried her face in her hands and began to sob. Everything she'd held in to stay strong for Derek - the pain, the fear, the worry - it all came out now, flowing out of her along with the relief of seeing Derek come back to her again.

The last few days had been torturous, seeing Derek so helpless. The doctors had been concerned with some post surgery bleeding causing pressure inside his head, and had warned Karen they may need to perform some further surgery, but his condition had improved drastically over the last day, and surgery was no longer required. She hadn't wanted to leave his side though, not until he woke up.

Now she was spent emotionally ... and physically. She'd been feeling nauseous for a couple of weeks now. At first she'd put it down to the stress of Derek's illness, but another possibility was nagging away at her. She'd been purposefully putting it to the back of her mind, until now. She rummaged through her bag, and pulled out the pregnancy test she'd bought a week ago. She couldn't put it off any longer.

* * *

"Here we are, home sweet home" Karen said, leading Derek into their apartment, and over to the sofa, where he weakly sat down. He'd been going stir crazy in the hospital, and just wanted to be home, with Karen. Home! It hadn't been so long ago that home was an alien co concept to him. And now there was nothing he wanted more than his life of domesticity with the woman that he loved.

Not that the next few months would quite the domestic bliss he envisaged a few months ago. After a few weeks of recovering from surgery he was due to start a course of radiation, followed by chemotherapy. Medication had moved on since his father's death, but he knew the treatment was going to make him poorly. But if it meant killing off the cancer cells still growing in his brain then he knew he could take it.

"Come here" he said, pulling Karen down onto his lap, and kissing her tenderly. "I've been waiting for this moment ever since I woke up. Just you and me, and no one telling me when to eat, drink ... take a piss!"

"How lovely!" Karen joked. "And just because you're back home doesn't mean I'm going to let you get away with it. I'm under strict instructions from Doctor Morris to take proper care of you. And NO scotch!"

"No scotch!" Derek moaned, pulling a face.

"I mean it Derek" Karen laughed, stroking Derek's head gently. "Nurse Cartwright is not going to be a pushover!"

"We'll see about that!" Derek teased, kissing Karen passionately. "I feel like I can get through anything you know, with you by my side. The two of us together ... what is it darling?" he asked, noting Karen shift nervously on his lap.

"Nothing ... well actually, it's not nothing. It's far from nothing. It's just ... I know we didn't plan this, and the timing is terrible, but, the thing is ... the thing is ..."

"What?" Derek asked imploringly. "What is it Karen?"

Karen shifted off Derek's lap, moving to sit next to him, taking his hands in hers, looking deeply in his eyes.

"The thing is ... what you should have said was 'the three of us together' she said quietly, as she took his hand and moved it to her stomach.

"Wow" said Derek, his heart skipping a beat as the realisation of Karen's words slowly hit him. "... You've asked my mother to move in?!"

"Oh my god!" Karen shouted, giving Derek a whack on the arm. "I can't bel ..."

"I'm kidding I'm kidding" Derek laughed, tears starting to form in his eyes, as he gripped tighter the hand Karen was holding to her stomach, and stroked her face. "We're going to have a baby?!"

Karen nodded, her own tears starting to fall. "Yes we are" she whispered. "I'm pregnant."

Derek didn't think he could have felt happiness like this. Knowing that he and Karen were going to be a family, it was too much.

"God I love you so much Karen" he said through his tears. "Whatever happens, know that I'll fight harder than I've ever fought for anything ... for you, our child ... for our family."

"I know you will" Karen whispered. "I know you will."


	31. Chapter 31

**AN: This chapter is a little bit of filler, but everything's been so heavy recently I wanted to bring back a bit of the light heartedness. Hope you enjoy! :)**

* * *

2 MONTHS LATER ...

"So let me get this straight. Out of all the men in all of New York. Out of all the men you could have chosen, you're going to sit me next to Josh?!"

"Well who would you rather I sat you next to?"

"Ummm let me see ... anyone but Josh!"

"Trust me girl!" Karen laughed.

"Trust you? Oh my god Karen. For the last time, quit trying to pair me up with Josh. He's an arrogant playboy who'll sleep with anyone to raise his own profile!"

"That's not true!" Karen said. "He plays off his reputation, but underneath all that he's a total sweetheart. You just need to peel away the layers. He's been an amazing friend to me ... I'm going to miss him when I leave 'Greed'.

"Yeah well, if you will go and do stoopid things like getting knocked up!" Ana grinned.

"This is true, this is true!" Karen laughed.

Karen and Ana had met up for lunch at their favourite little cafe in the East Village, and were putting the world to rights as usual. Derek and Karen had planned a low key wedding with less than a hundred of their closest friends and family at their favourite restaurant in Manhattan, and it was now less than a month away. Derek wanted to give Karen the big white wedding and suggested they waited until after his treatment had finished so that they could plan properly, but Karen was insistent they shouldn't wait, and insistent that she didn't need the fairytale wedding.

"Why don't we just get a married at the Manhattan Marriage Bureau as soon as we can? I'm not bothered about the rest, just as long as at the end of it I can call you my husband" Karen had said, although she knew deep down she could never get married without at least her mom and dad being there.

"No way!" Derek had insisted. I know you darling, and I bet when you were an adorable little Cartwright playing with your friends back in Iowa you used to dream of the big fairytale white wedding with all the trimmings. I'll bet you used to recreate them in your garden alllll the time!"

"Maybe" laughed Karen. "But things change. Priorities change. And all the fluff, well, that's just what it is. Fluff. It doesn't mean anything."

"But your friends and family do mean everything, so no more of this wedding bureau crap. We're having a proper wedding. It doesn't need to be big, but I'll be damned if I'm having someone I've never met before witness out big day!"

"Okay okay, you win. But nothing too big alright? You need to take it easy."

"Whatever you say ma'am" Derek grinned, kissing his fiancée.

Derek was in the middle of his radiotherapy treatment. A cycle of daily doses at the hospital to shrink what remained of the cancer cells in his brain. The treatment had left him tired most days, and he'd be lying if he said he hadn't been feeling sorry for himself some of the time. His headaches had returned, worse than ever, but Doctor Morris assured him that this was the result of the radiation causing some short time swelling in the brain. He was taking steroids to counteract the swelling, and to prevent any worsening side effects, like seizures.

If Derek hadn't have had Karen to help him through he was sure he would have reverted to type. He didn't doubt he would have been a nightmare to live with. But being with Karen calmed him. She was a godsend. She'd been taking him to the hospital each day for treatment, then heading to the theatre for her nightly performance of 'Greed.' He didn't know how she managed it whilst remaining so optimistic and kind hearted. She was allowed to have a bad day like everyone else, but even if she felt tired, or grumpy, or anxious, she never showed it. Derek knew she was staying strong for him, so the least he could do was to bear his treatment with as much fortitude as possible.

The thought of their child growing inside Karen also helped. Their child! A family had never even crossed his mind until he met Karen, but now he could barely contain his excitement. Karen had caught him looking at cribs on the internet one morning, and teased him endlessly.

"If this gets out your Dark Lord reputation will be ruined! ... Just let's not get ahead of ourselves though sweetheart" she'd said. "We haven't even had the 3 month scan yet!"

"I know I know. I'm just excited that's all."

"Me too sweetheart" Karen smiled.

* * *

After lunch with Ana, Karen headed back to the apartment. She had her show later, and it wasn't a treatment day for Derek, but he'd been struggling the last few days and she wanted to check on him. She'd been worried that Derek wouldn't cope so well with the radiotherapy, but she needn't have. Of course he had his bad days, but she couldn't have been more proud of the way he was dealing with everything.

She could tell he was desperate to get through the treatment, and to start working again. Doing nothing didn't sit well with a workaholic like Derek, and although he'd mellowed immeasurably since he'd been with Karen, he wasn't used to being idle like this. But unfortunately his treatment was making him too sick to work right now.

"Heyyyyy sweetheart" Karen called as she made her way into the apartment.

"Hi darling, I'm in the study."

She made her way into Derek's workroom, where she found him sitting behind his desk on his laptop, furiously typing away.

"Hey gorgeous" she said, kissing him on the lips, and then his head where his scar ran down.

"What you up to?"

"Just sending an email to the American Theatre Wing."

"The American Theatre Wing? Why?"

"We'll it seems they want to give me the "Lifetime Achievement Award" at the Tonys this year, and I'm politely declining."

"Oh my god Derek, what?! That is amazing news, oh my god, oh my god!" Karen practically screamed, jumping on Derek's lap and kissing him all over.

"Wait!" she said, after a while, removing herself from Derek's clutches. "You're declining? No way mister!"

"Yes way! You know why they're bloody we'll giving it to me this year don't you? Because they don't think I'll make it to next year, that's why. I'm not going to be their sentimental sympathy story thank you very much. They can shove it!"

"Oh my god, Derek! I'm telling you right now, you are going to the Tony Awards and you are going to accept that award if I have to drag you on stage myself. Did it ever occur to you that you're winning this because you deserve it. Because you're the most successful director and choreographer that's ever been on Broadway, and if you ask me, they should have given you recognition wayyyyy before this!"

"You would say that!"

"Maybe, but it's true sweetheart. And you know it too. I've never seen you doubt your abilities. It's one of the reasons I love you!" she said, kissing him tenderly on the lips. "So don't you even think about saying no Derek Wills!"

"We'll see" Derek grumbled.

"There'll be no 'we'll see' about it Derek! Email them back saying you would be honoured to accept. Why won't you ever take credit for your achievements!"

"Well there's one achievement I do take credit for. Somehow getting you to fall in love with me!" he grinned. "Still not sure how I pulled that one off!"

"Yeah well, it definitely wasn't your stubbornness that attracted me" Karen laughed, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, I'll accept" said Derek. "But I'm doing this for you darling."

"No you're not. You're doing it for you because it's the least you deserve, okay?! ... just think how proud this little one is going to be growing up with a super director daddy!" Karen said, running her hand across her tummy. Derek reached for Karen's tummy too, then leaned down to kiss it.

"Just promise me one thing" he whispered, talking to Karen's stomach. "Promise me you'll inherit your mummy's sweet hearted nature, her good looks ... AND her voice! That's not too much to ask is it?!"

"Well just as long as they don't inherit your cheesiness" Karen laughed.

"Right, I'm going to go and get changed, and then I need to head to the theatre!" Karen said, slipping off Derek's lap and heading towards the door. "Can I get you anything sweetie before I go?"

"No I'm fine, thank you darling. It's been a good day today!" he winked. "Oh how was Ana by the way?"

"Good good, she sends her love! She wasn't too happy mind when I told her I was sitting her next to Josh at the wedding!"

"I'm not surprised" Derek laughed. "I did warn you those two will probably tear each other to shreds. Josh and Ana together. It's like throwing magnesium into a fire!"

"Exactly! They're made for each other!"

"Yeah not quite what I meant. You and your match-making! It'll all end in tears, you mark my words."

"Whatever!" Karen grinned, sticking her tongue out at Derek before heading upstairs.

* * *

"Curtains in 10 minutes!" the stage manager called, as Karen and Josh were putting the finishing touches to their opening scene attire.

"Ana?!" Josh said incredulously. "Ana?!"

"Yes, Ana!" Karen laughed. "Saying it over and over isn't going to change anything. The table plan is sorted, and you and Ana are next to each other!"

"Well that's just great! Great if you want a bloodbath, because as you know Cartwright, I cannot stand Ana, and I'm pretty sure she can't stand me either! She's such a know it all and so obnoxious!"

"No she isn't. She just scares you that's all, because shes a challenge! I never thought the great Joshua Jennings was scared of a challenge. I guess I was wrong" Karen said shaking her head.

"Yeah good try Cartwright" Josh laughed. "I'm up for any challenge as you know, but I'm pretty sure the only challenge I'll be concentrating on on your wedding day will be not killing your best friend!"

Karen couldn't help but laugh. "I can't wait! ... Come on you, we better get to the stage."

"Okay, but this isn't over Cartwright. This is far from over!"


End file.
